masterwordsmith-unplugged

Ah Beng always smiles during lightning storms because he thinks his picture is being taken.


Why can't Ah Beng dial 9-11?
Because he can't find the number 11 (eleven) on the phone.

Ah Beng urgently needed a few days off work, but he knew the Boss would not allow him to take leave. He thought that maybe if he acted "CRAZY" then the boss would tell him to take a few days off.

So he hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

His co-worker (Ms Lian) asked him what is he doing?

He told her that he is pretending to be a light bulb so that the boss would think he was "CRAZY" and give him a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, "What are you doing?" He told him that he is a light bulb. The boss said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days".

Ah Beng jumped down and walked out of the office.

When his co-worker (Ms Lian) followed him out, the Boss asked her "...And where do you think you're going?"

She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!

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Ah Beng with two red ears went to his doctor.
The doctor asked him what had happened to his ears and he answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone ring, lah - but instead of picking up the phone, I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear, lah"
"Oh dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But ... what happened to the other ear?"
Ah Beng answered : "That stupid dumbo called back, lah !!!!"

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Ah Beng talk to a long-distance telephone operator.
Ah Beng : "COULD YOU PLEASE TELL ME THE TIME DIFFERENCE BETWEEN TAIPEI AND LAS VEGAS ?"
Operator : "JUST A MINUTE..."
Ah Beng : "THANK YOU , lah" AND PUTS DOWN THE PHONE.

=====

After completing a jigsaw puzzle he'd been working on for quite some time, Ah Beng proudly shows off the finished puzzle to a friend.

"It took me ONLY 5 MONTHS TO DO IT", Ah Beng brags.

"FIVE MONTHS? THAT'S TOO LONG", the friend exclaims.

"YOU ARE A FOOL." Ah Beng replies, "SEE THIS BOX, IT IS WRITTEN FOR 4-7 YRS".

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At a bar in New York, the man to Ah Beng's left tells the bartender, JOHNNIE WALKER, SINGLE"
and his companion says, "JACK DANIELS, SINGLE".
The bartender approaches Ah Beng and asks, "AND YOU, SIR ?"
Ah Beng replies : "Tan Ah Beng, MARRIED lah"

======

Some classic Ah Beng jokes


Why did Ah Beng go to a movie with his 18 friends?
Because below 18 not allowed Lah !

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Ah Beng wants to buy a TV set. He goes to a shop.
Ah Beng : "Do you have color TV ?"
Salesgirl : "Yes !"
Ah Beng : "Give me a green one, please "

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Ah Beng goes to a store and sees a shiny object.
Ah Beng : "What is that shiny object ?"
Salesgirl : "That is a thermos flask."
Ah Beng : "What does it do ?"
Salesgirl : "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold"
Ah Beng : "I'll buy it"
The next day, Ah Beng goes to work with his thermo flask.
Boss : "What is that shiny object ?"
Ah Beng : "It's a thermos flask."
Boss : "What does it do ?"
Ah Beng : "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold"
Boss : "What do you have in it?"
Ah Beng : "Two cups of coffee and one cup of ice cream"

======

After making photocopies of documents, Ah Beng always compares it with the original for spelling mistakes.

HOW THE INTERNET STARTED

PLEASE DO NOT GOOGLE THIS ONE OR CHECK WITH SNOPES.

This is not a religious post  but one on humour. Posted for laughs with no intention to mock any one or any religion.

In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy(Dot for short).  Dot Com was a comely woman, large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums.  And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.

To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew.  It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew to The People (HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."

And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

"YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.

It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

That is how it all began. And that's the truth. I would not make up this stuff !!!!!!!!!!

Author: Unknown

Thanks to Angela who shared this by email.

This is the best analogy yet by the famous comic character Maxine.

Leave it to Maxine to come up with a solution for the mess that America/Canada/Australia/NZ
is now in economically. But it sounds all too familiar ...

It is an oldie and I believe I posted this years ago under a different title. Here goes...

I bought a bird feeder.  I hung it on my back porch and filled it with seed. What a beauty of a bird feeder it was, as I filled it lovingly with seed.

Within a week we had hundreds of birds taking advantage of the continuous flow of free and easily accessible food.

But then the birds started building nests in the boards of the patio, above the table, and next to the barbecue.

Then came the shit.

It was everywhere: on the patio tile, the chairs, the table...everywhere!

Then some of the birds turned mean. They would dive bomb me and try to peck me even though I had fed them out of my own pocket.

And others birds were boisterous and loud. They sat on the feeder and squawked and screamed at all hours of the day and night and demanded that I fill it when it got low on food.

After a while, I couldn't even sit on my own back porch anymore.

So I took down the bird feeder and in three days the birds were gone.

I cleaned up their mess and took down the many nests they had built
all over the patio.  Soon, the back yard was like it used to be .... quiet, serene... and no one demanding their rights to a free meal.

Now let's see......

The government gives out free food, subsidized housing, free medical care, and free education, and allows anyone born here to be an automatic citizen.

Then the illegals came by the tens of thousands.

Suddenly our taxes went up to pay for free services; small apartments
are housing five families; you have to wait six hours to be seen by an emergency room doctor;
your child's second grade class is behind other schools because over half the class doesn't speak English.

Corn Flakes now come in a bilingual box; I have to 'press one' to hear my bank talk to me in English, and people waving flags other than "ours" are squawking and screaming in the streets, demanding more rights and free liberties.

Just my opinion, but maybe it's time for the government to take down the bird feeder.

Those who DON'T agree, may just continue cleaning up the s**t!

*Posted for satirical purposes with no ill intentions. Thanks to Angela who shared this via email.

The American Cancer Society estimates that there will be over 1.5 million new cancer cases in 2015. While this is a high number, medical experts across the board agree that early detection is crucial to successfully fighting the disease.

There are some symptoms one should never ignore, and paying attention to these changes in the body is such an important part of detecting serious medical issues like cancer. I know my own body best, so when I saw this list of common cancer symptoms that can help with early detection, I knew I’d be watching out for them.

Dr. Beth Y. Karlan of Cedars-Sinai’s Cancer Institute says that if you have symptoms that are “persistent and progressive, meaning you wake up every morning and feel something and it has you worried — even for two weeks in a row — it really is worth calling your physician and having it checked out.”

Like a lot of people, I incorrectly thought that breast cancer symptoms only affected women and I didn’t have to worry about them. I was also wrong in thinking that symptoms associated with colon cancer only affected men. But I was very surprised to see how many symptoms affected both men and women, just like in the case of a heart attack. I’m so glad I know what to look for now!

Scroll through to see which symptoms should be a red flag for women, men, or for both women and men. While these symptoms don’t always mean cancer is the problem, they are a sign that you should see a doctor right away.


CLICK here to read more from Huffington Post.

Thanks to a few friends who shared this link.

Why is it that GBS bacteria affect fish species, in particular, the snakehead and Asian bighead carp?

Dr Leong: Bacteria, unlike viruses, are less species specific.

For example, the human immunodeficiency virus (HIV) can be found only in monkeys and humans, but not pigs, mosquitoes or rats.

Bacteria, however, can work on different animals and are not species-specific.

GBS has been identified in other fish, especially the tilapia fish, so it has a predisposition to affect fish - See more at THIS LINK.

Thanks to a few friends who shared this link.