masterwordsmith-unplugged

Ah Beng always smiles during lightning storms because he thinks his picture is being taken.


Why can't Ah Beng dial 9-11?
Because he can't find the number 11 (eleven) on the phone.

Ah Beng urgently needed a few days off work, but he knew the Boss would not allow him to take leave. He thought that maybe if he acted "CRAZY" then the boss would tell him to take a few days off.

So he hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

His co-worker (Ms Lian) asked him what is he doing?

He told her that he is pretending to be a light bulb so that the boss would think he was "CRAZY" and give him a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, "What are you doing?" He told him that he is a light bulb. The boss said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days".

Ah Beng jumped down and walked out of the office.

When his co-worker (Ms Lian) followed him out, the Boss asked her "...And where do you think you're going?"

She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!

======

Ah Beng with two red ears went to his doctor.
The doctor asked him what had happened to his ears and he answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone ring, lah - but instead of picking up the phone, I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear, lah"
"Oh dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But ... what happened to the other ear?"
Ah Beng answered : "That stupid dumbo called back, lah !!!!"

======

Ah Beng talk to a long-distance telephone operator.
Ah Beng : "COULD YOU PLEASE TELL ME THE TIME DIFFERENCE BETWEEN TAIPEI AND LAS VEGAS ?"
Operator : "JUST A MINUTE..."
Ah Beng : "THANK YOU , lah" AND PUTS DOWN THE PHONE.

=====

After completing a jigsaw puzzle he'd been working on for quite some time, Ah Beng proudly shows off the finished puzzle to a friend.

"It took me ONLY 5 MONTHS TO DO IT", Ah Beng brags.

"FIVE MONTHS? THAT'S TOO LONG", the friend exclaims.

"YOU ARE A FOOL." Ah Beng replies, "SEE THIS BOX, IT IS WRITTEN FOR 4-7 YRS".

=========

At a bar in New York, the man to Ah Beng's left tells the bartender, JOHNNIE WALKER, SINGLE"
and his companion says, "JACK DANIELS, SINGLE".
The bartender approaches Ah Beng and asks, "AND YOU, SIR ?"
Ah Beng replies : "Tan Ah Beng, MARRIED lah"

======

Some classic Ah Beng jokes


Why did Ah Beng go to a movie with his 18 friends?
Because below 18 not allowed Lah !

=======

Ah Beng wants to buy a TV set. He goes to a shop.
Ah Beng : "Do you have color TV ?"
Salesgirl : "Yes !"
Ah Beng : "Give me a green one, please "

=============

Ah Beng goes to a store and sees a shiny object.
Ah Beng : "What is that shiny object ?"
Salesgirl : "That is a thermos flask."
Ah Beng : "What does it do ?"
Salesgirl : "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold"
Ah Beng : "I'll buy it"
The next day, Ah Beng goes to work with his thermo flask.
Boss : "What is that shiny object ?"
Ah Beng : "It's a thermos flask."
Boss : "What does it do ?"
Ah Beng : "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold"
Boss : "What do you have in it?"
Ah Beng : "Two cups of coffee and one cup of ice cream"

======

After making photocopies of documents, Ah Beng always compares it with the original for spelling mistakes.

HOW THE INTERNET STARTED

PLEASE DO NOT GOOGLE THIS ONE OR CHECK WITH SNOPES.

This is not a religious post  but one on humour. Posted for laughs with no intention to mock any one or any religion.

In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy(Dot for short).  Dot Com was a comely woman, large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums.  And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.

To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew.  It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew to The People (HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."

And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

"YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.

It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

That is how it all began. And that's the truth. I would not make up this stuff !!!!!!!!!!

Author: Unknown

Thanks to Angela who shared this by email.

This is the best analogy yet by the famous comic character Maxine.

Leave it to Maxine to come up with a solution for the mess that America/Canada/Australia/NZ
is now in economically. But it sounds all too familiar ...

It is an oldie and I believe I posted this years ago under a different title. Here goes...

I bought a bird feeder.  I hung it on my back porch and filled it with seed. What a beauty of a bird feeder it was, as I filled it lovingly with seed.

Within a week we had hundreds of birds taking advantage of the continuous flow of free and easily accessible food.

But then the birds started building nests in the boards of the patio, above the table, and next to the barbecue.

Then came the shit.

It was everywhere: on the patio tile, the chairs, the table...everywhere!

Then some of the birds turned mean. They would dive bomb me and try to peck me even though I had fed them out of my own pocket.

And others birds were boisterous and loud. They sat on the feeder and squawked and screamed at all hours of the day and night and demanded that I fill it when it got low on food.

After a while, I couldn't even sit on my own back porch anymore.

So I took down the bird feeder and in three days the birds were gone.

I cleaned up their mess and took down the many nests they had built
all over the patio.  Soon, the back yard was like it used to be .... quiet, serene... and no one demanding their rights to a free meal.

Now let's see......

The government gives out free food, subsidized housing, free medical care, and free education, and allows anyone born here to be an automatic citizen.

Then the illegals came by the tens of thousands.

Suddenly our taxes went up to pay for free services; small apartments
are housing five families; you have to wait six hours to be seen by an emergency room doctor;
your child's second grade class is behind other schools because over half the class doesn't speak English.

Corn Flakes now come in a bilingual box; I have to 'press one' to hear my bank talk to me in English, and people waving flags other than "ours" are squawking and screaming in the streets, demanding more rights and free liberties.

Just my opinion, but maybe it's time for the government to take down the bird feeder.

Those who DON'T agree, may just continue cleaning up the s**t!

*Posted for satirical purposes with no ill intentions. Thanks to Angela who shared this via email.

The American Cancer Society estimates that there will be over 1.5 million new cancer cases in 2015. While this is a high number, medical experts across the board agree that early detection is crucial to successfully fighting the disease.

There are some symptoms one should never ignore, and paying attention to these changes in the body is such an important part of detecting serious medical issues like cancer. I know my own body best, so when I saw this list of common cancer symptoms that can help with early detection, I knew I’d be watching out for them.

Dr. Beth Y. Karlan of Cedars-Sinai’s Cancer Institute says that if you have symptoms that are “persistent and progressive, meaning you wake up every morning and feel something and it has you worried — even for two weeks in a row — it really is worth calling your physician and having it checked out.”

Like a lot of people, I incorrectly thought that breast cancer symptoms only affected women and I didn’t have to worry about them. I was also wrong in thinking that symptoms associated with colon cancer only affected men. But I was very surprised to see how many symptoms affected both men and women, just like in the case of a heart attack. I’m so glad I know what to look for now!

Scroll through to see which symptoms should be a red flag for women, men, or for both women and men. While these symptoms don’t always mean cancer is the problem, they are a sign that you should see a doctor right away.


CLICK here to read more from Huffington Post.

Thanks to a few friends who shared this link.

Why is it that GBS bacteria affect fish species, in particular, the snakehead and Asian bighead carp?

Dr Leong: Bacteria, unlike viruses, are less species specific.

For example, the human immunodeficiency virus (HIV) can be found only in monkeys and humans, but not pigs, mosquitoes or rats.

Bacteria, however, can work on different animals and are not species-specific.

GBS has been identified in other fish, especially the tilapia fish, so it has a predisposition to affect fish - See more at THIS LINK.

Thanks to a few friends who shared this link.

Thanks to Mr Krishnan for sharing this.

We always hear "the rules" from the Wife's side. At last a Husband has taken the time to write down this all finally. Face with stuck-out tongue and tightly-closed eyes.

Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note.

These are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Husbands ARE not mind readers.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly Acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted in two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one .
1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible , Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not! A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will Be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football, cars, bikes or games.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. U r in shape..... Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping

Thanks to Angela for sharing this.

This will bring back memories!

Click on the photo and the song will play.... enjoy!!

The Nostalgia Machine

Here are links to some familiar oldies I hope you can enjoy while surfing the net:

LINK 1

LINK 2

LINK 2

LINK 4

LINK 5

LINK 6

More updates later.

A friend of mine had been experiencing problems with high cholesterol and high blood pressure. Some time later when I met her again, she was much better, thanks to fenugreek.

I do not subscribe to discrimination of any sort and am sharing the following joke solely for laughs. My deepest apologies if any blond reads this post. Thanks!

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 second and then hides it.

"This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"
The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his PROFILE."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

blond

The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

He quickly adds "...think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "Hmmmm...the suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer...wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I can't believe it...it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear!"

Thanks to Angela who shared this via email.

This message is about the unethical way of producing cooking oil using recycled oil materials.

How do we determine if we are the victims?

Place our cooking oil in the fridge for about 2 hours, if there is whitish
bubbles or foaming, you know then it is made from recycled oil waste
materials.

The simple test :-
Place a clove of garlic when frying vegetables.
If the garlic turns red, it means the toxic level of recycled oil is very high.

Garlic should remain white if the oil is of good quality.

Thanks to Angela sent me an email about 19 facts about India.

I traced it to a couple of websites.

CLICK HERE to read more.

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question:

"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left ?" "None.", replied Johnny. "'cause the rest would fly off."

"The correct answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like your thinking."

Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third one sucking her cone, which one is married ?

Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking her cone?"

"No," said Little Johnny, "The one with the wedding ring on her finger. But I like the way you think!"
__________________

TEACHER: Why are you late?
BALGOBIN: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign?
BALGOBIN: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."


TEACHER: Balgobin, why are you doing your math sums on the floor?
BALGOBIN: You told me to do it without using tables!

-TEACHER: Balgobin, how do you spell "crocodile"?
BALGOBIN: "K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
BALGOBIN: Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!


-TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
BALGOBIN: "HIJKLMNO! "!!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
BALGOBIN: Yesterday you said it's H to O!


-TEACHER: Balgobin, go to the map and find North America.
BALGOBIN: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Balgobin!


-TEACHER: Balgobin, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
BALGOBIN: Me!


TEACHER: Balgobin, why do you always get so dirty?
BALGOBIN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.


-BALGOBIN: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
BALGOBIN: Your name on this report card.

TEACHER: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects?
BALGOBIN: Don't bite any.

-TEACHER: Balgobin, give me a sentence starting with "I".
BALGOBIN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Balgobin. Always say, "I am."
BALGOBIN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

-TEACHER: "Can anybody give an example of "COINCIDENCE?"
BALGOBIN: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."


TEACHER: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
BALGOBIN: "Because George still had the axe in his hand?"


-BALGOBIN: Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt?
FATHER: No. Why do you ask that?
BALGOBIN: Well, where did you get THIS mummy then?


-TEACHER: What a pair of strange socks you are wearing, one is green and one is blue with red spots!
BALGOBIN: Yes it's really strange. I've got another pair just like that at home.


-TEACHER: Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped
him, what virtue would I be showing?
BALGOBIN: Brotherly love?

-TEACHER: Now, Balgobin, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?
BALGOBIN: No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.


-TEACHER: Balgobin, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
BALGOBIN: No, teacher, it's the same dog!


-TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
BALGOBIN: A teacher

New Senior's Exam, you only need
4 correct out of 10 questions to pass.

1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last?

2) Which country makes Panama hats?

3) From which animal do we get cat gut?

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?

5) What is a camel's hair brush made                                  of?

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?

7) What was King George VI's first name?

8) What color is a purple finch?

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?

Remember, you need only 4 correct answers to pass.
Check your answers below ....


ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ

1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years

2) Which country makes Panama hats?Ecuador

3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses

4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November

5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur

6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs

7) What was King George VI's first name? Albert

8 ) What color is a purple finch?Crimson

9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand

10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?
Orange (of course)

Did you pass or fail?

I failed! :-)

Pass this on to your brilliant friends.

Thanks to Mr Tio for sharing.

This is a very interesting read that may shock or surprise you.

Ten persons who were driven mad by the government - read all about them at THIS LINK.

Basic information over here.

FAQ over here.

Pregnant woman amongst latest MERS cases in S. Korea.

In the 1960s there was a US TV game show called Hollywood Squares.
Basically stars were asked questions by the host, and the contestants had to guess whether their answer was correct or not.
But the real power of the show was the one-liners that the stars answered the question with, before giving their real answer…..remember it was the 60’s….some smart cookies here!
Some of the best responses are below.

Q.  Do female frogs croak?
A.  Paul Lynde:  If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q.  If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A.  Charley Weaver:  Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q.  Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat?
A.  Paul Lynde:  Loneliness.
(The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)

Q.  True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel:  Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q.  You've been having trouble going to sleep.  Are you probably a man or a woman?
A.  Don Knotts:  That's what's been keeping me awake.

Q.  According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he's married?
A.  Rose Marie: No.  Wait until morning.

Q.  Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A.  Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q.  In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say 'I Love You'?
A.  Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q.  What are 'Do It,' 'I Can Help,' and 'I Can't Get Enough'?
A.  George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming from the next apartment.

Q.  As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A.  Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture you'll never forget.

Q.  Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A.  Paul Lynde:  Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q.  Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries.  Are you going to get any during the first year?
A.  Charley Weaver:  Of course not, I'm too busy growing strawberries.

Q.  In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A.  Rose Marie:  Ralph, the pin boy.

Q.  It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at Nudist camps.  One is
politics, what is the other?
A.  Paul Lynde:  Tape measures.

Q.  During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A.  Rose Marie:  Unfortunately Peter, I'm always safe in the bedroom.

Q  Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A.  Marty Allen:  Only after lights out.

Q.  When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail.  What will a goose do?
A.  Paul Lynde:  Make him bark?

Q.  If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A.  Paul Lynde:  Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q.  According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A.  Charley Weaver:  It got me out of the army.

Q.  It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A.  Paul Lynde:  Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn't neglected.

Q.  Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel:  Get it in his mouth.

Q.  Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A.  Paul Lynde:  Who told you about my elephant?

Q.  When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A.  Charley Weaver:  I'll lend him the car, the rest is up to him .

Q.  Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions.  What are they?
A.  Charley Weaver:  His feet.

Q.  According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A.  Paul Lynde:  Point and laugh.

Thanks to mr SKT who shared this post via email.