Back in university, I had a terrific Social Psychology lecturer who stirred my interest in Erikson's Stages of Psychosocial Development. Looking back, I smile as I realize how true is his psychoanalytical theory. I am no in Stage 7 and am taking stock of my life to prepare for stage 8 and realize, more than ever before, how little things matter after all.....To understand what I mean, do take a look at the following explanation of his theory at Wikipedia.
When I was a teenager, I dreamt of finding the “perfect” partner, the ultimate job, the “dream” home or wedding and living life to the fullest. Little things didn’t matter much as I thought they were unnecessary distractions that I treated as accidentals which I either ignored or considered much later. Older and wiser, I can see how deeply I was affected by the mass media and music. I was always waiting for the sweeping climax that would bring a resolution to a particular problem, my knight-in shining armour riding on a white horse to whisk me to a brand new life. In short, I got married a day before I turned 23, six months after I graduated. I was young and eager to fit together the largest pieces of the puzzle of life or so I thought, foolishly believing that little things in life didn’t matter - little things such as health.
Now that I am in my late forties, I have a different perspective as though someone has given me a brain/eye transplant. Little things in life DO matter after all. Every little stroke makes a difference in the landscape painting of my life. What I eat, whether I exercise, my parents' medical history, my mental state, my lifestyle etc all matter and these are factors which I seldom considered when I made major decisions in my life. Whereas in the past, I stayed focused on the big picture, the grand payoff at the end of my life, now, I consider how the little things in life make a big difference to my life and how it ends.
These days, when I meet my friends or relatives, we seldom ever talk about investments or movies or music anymore but we compare blood pressure readings and the findings of our latest medical report, the latest discoveries, new breakthroughs in treatment/exercise, deaths, illnesses and so on. A far cry from the good ol' days indeed.
Then there are other days when I wonder whether my perspective keeps shifting from macro view to micro and back again, or whether it grows more refined as the days go by. I honestly do not know how and when the changes occur.
Looking at Erikson's theory, I ask myself whether the big things cease to matter at a certain stage in life? I guess it makes a big difference if we include a spiritual perspective. I am not a religious person - used to be though. I still have my faith but I have my doubts about institutions and man-made laws. To be honest, I am not a perfect person with the perfect family, social relationships etc. The accomplishment of my dream seems to elude me but on a rainy day like this evening when I’ve got nothing to do, I do feel a big surge of happiness welling up from within me as I look back on the years gone by and the sum of my life experiences reminds that even though I may be an insignificant person in this world, it is how I live, how I keep healthy and how I touch lives that will make the difference....little things do matter after all.
During one of her classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
'Kaiser, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'
Kaiser said, 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'
The teacher responded by saying, 'That would be rude and impolite.
What about you Sara, how would you say it?'
Sara said, 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.'
'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, Rohinton, can you use your brains for once, and show us any good manners that you may have?'
Rohinton:- 'I would say: Darling, please may I be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very close friend of mine from down under, whom I hope to introduce to you, after dinner.'
The teacher promptly fainted.
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The Lie Detector
One day Jack's dad bought a robot.
The robot was special in that it could detect a lie and would slap the liar on the face.
Jack returned late from school that day and his dad asked him, "Son why are you late from school?".
Jack answered, "Dad we had extra classes today".
Much to his astonishment the Robot jumped up and slapped Jack on his face.
His dad told him, this robot is special in that it could detect a lie and would then slap the person who lied. "Now come on tell me the truth. Why are you late?"
"Dad, I went for a movie",
"Which movie?"
"The Ten Commandments."
Splatt... Jack got a tight slap on the face from the robot.
"Ok, dad. Honest - I went for a naughty movie."
"Shame on you son! When I was your age I never used to do such shameful things."
Splatt, the dad got a tight slap on the face from the robot.
Hearing all this, Jack's mother came out of the kitchen and said, "After all, he is your son, he will be like you."
The robot stepped up and gave a resounding slap on Jack's mother's face.
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One day, a man walked into 7-Eleven to buy toilet tissue. Cost = 30 cents.
He only had 50RM with him.
The cashier fumbled here and there looking for loose change for the man.
"Don't you have any small change, sir?" she asked.
" It's too late, miss. I need to buy a pair of underpants now."
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Have a nice day!!!
Since last Friday, my younger boy has been enjoying the Hari Raya school break so I have been spending lots of time with him in a variety of activities because of one fact - my son is growing up and he will be moving on in his life one day. Now's the time for me to let go and not hold on to unimportant details or hang ups or whatever.
I have been looking at him more often lately and realize how he is growing up to be my little man. In fact, I have been snapping lots of photographs of him doing various activities including sleeping. I know that if I don't talk to him now and bond with him, I will lose this fantastic growing up stage in his life.
Looking back, I recall many melting moments that I had with him. From day one, he has been a precocious boy and has hardly ever given me any problems. I miss his tiny size when he was born but I don't miss changing soiled diapers. I miss his warm smile, chuckles of glee whenever I tickled him and his innocent, open, spontaneous and unguarded emotions which reflect how unconditional joy can be in life. When he was a baby, he was always gurgling and smiling even when the paediatrician gave him the monthly jabs. As a toddler, he humored himself with books and books and only bugged me to buy him books each time we went out. Honestly, his even temper has brought me much happiness and fulfilment in my life.
Lately, I have been looking at babies and I really miss being able to carry my son in my arms - if I were to carry him now, I am certain it would trigger a relapse of my spinal injury.
You know, I cannot think of any other thing I would want to do than to be at home to look after my family. Waiting for him to come home from school gives me so much anticipation for even from the gate, he will start relating anecdotes of the day.
Oh how time flies!
When I took him to Gurney Plaza yesterday to watch "G-Force", he did not want me to hold his hand.
"I'm a big boy now, mom," was his line.
Reality hurts sometimes.I love my boys so much that sometimes my heart hurts. I can’t look at old photos without tearing up. See how young they look!
When I am free, I try to recall moments of their childhood, treasure those precious moments and I grieve every moment that I cannot remember in precise detail.
I wish that I could travel back in time to relive those wonderful moments of his growing up years again whilst acknowledging that there were moments that I wish I could forget. Parenting is not about perfection, but about giving our best and our selves to our children.
So, here is my humble parenting tip for the day: We all need to pay attention to our kids. If we want to slow down the growing up years, I guess we have to live in the moment, every moment of our child's life.
We have to be there beside and with our children now.
During this school break, take a few moments today to simply look at your children.
Pay careful attention to details such as the color of their eyes, shape of their face, the curve of their eyebrows, their expressions and their smiles...their whole being!
Spend quality time making conversation with them, hug them until they wriggle free.
And when the time comes for them to move on, leave home for college or marriage, it won't be so painful then...because we have to let go...without holding on to them...and we need to give them the space and the freedom to move on and I guess the time will also come for me to move on when he grows up...
And when I am done, please pass me the tissues.
