masterwordsmith-unplugged

For a change, I thought I'd post some funny one-liners to bring a smile to your face as you begin a new day. Enjoy this selection and may today bring many blessings into your life!

Tell-tale Signs of a Loser

* He has a wife and a cigarette holder - neither one works.
* If it rained soup he would have a fork instead of a spoon
* She's had bad luck with two husbands, The first on left her, and the second one won't.
* She got a divorce and all she got was custody of her 'husband's parents'.
* He waited for years for Dame Fortune to knock on his door, but it was her daughter, Miss fortune, showed up.
* He worked two years on his boss's signature, then the perfectly forget check came back, marked 'Insufficient Funds'.
* If he went into the men's pants business, men would start wearing kilts.
* He's as useless as a one legged man at an ass kicking contest.
* Couldn't hit the side of the barn from the inside with all the doors shut.
* His boss would gladly pay him what he's worth, but it's against the Minimum Wage Law.
* She bought a house with lots of doors for opportunity to knock on, but only his 'relatives' did.
* He couldn't direct traffic down a one-way street.
* She's a two-handicap golfer - she has a boss who won't let her off early, and a husband who keeps her home weekends.
* She has delusions of adequacy.

Ways You Can Tell You Are A Sad Sack

* You get fired from your job at McDonalds.
* You are so annoying that even your multiple personalities won't speak to you any more.
* Your imaginary friends keep finding excuses not to come over.
* Your mom still pick your clothes out for you.
* You pick your nose and don't care who sees you.
* You are over 30 and still living with your parents.
* You look forward to going to a Catholic church for confession just so you can have someone to talk to.
* You welcome calls from phone salesmen because no one else will talk to you.
* You remind a teacher that she forgot to give homework.
* You notice that all of your long-distance phone calls start with "900."

You Know It's Going To Be A Bad Day When:

* You wake up face down on the pavement
* You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold
* You put your bra on backwards and it fits better
* Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles
* Your son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind her own business
* You want to put on the clothes you wore home from last night's party - and there aren't any
* You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city
* Your twin sister forgets your birthday
* You wake up to discover that your waterbed broke and then realize that you don't have a waterbed
* Your horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway
* You see the "60 Minutes" News Team waiting in your Office
* Your boss tells you not to bother to take off you coat
* You walk to work and discover that your dress is tucked in the back of your pantyhose
* Your kid say "Did you know that it's almost impossible to flush a grapefruit down the toilet?"
* You're driving to work smoking a cigarette. At a stop light, you drop it between your legs. As you frantically search for it, a full city bus pulls up alongside of your car.
* You wake up to late to catch the van pool - then you realize that you're driving the van this week.

Have a lovely day!