masterwordsmith-unplugged

Today is THE day - the moment that we had been waiting for has finally dawned on us. Temperatures and spirits are soaring and many in HS must be very excited and anxious. Here's a list of funny DIY definitions to bring a smile or two to your face :-). Take care and have a lovely day! Swing by again for the next sopo post. Thanks!

DIY - Tool Definitions

Hammer

Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

Mechanics knife

Used to slice through the contents of cardboard cartons; works particularly well on boxes containing newly trimmed seats and other expensive soft furnishings.

Electric drill

Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but works better when drilling holes in floor pans, particularly above fuel tanks.

Hacksaw

One of a family of tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course the more dismal your future becomes.

Pliers

Used to round off bolt heads and when nothing else is available, excellent for transferring intense welding heat to the palm of your hand

Oxyacetylene Torch

Used almost entirely for setting fire to various flammable objects in the garage or vehicle no matter how much care you took to remove everything beforehand.

Drill press

A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your drink across the garage, splattering it all over that freshly painted part.

Rotary Wire wheel

Cleans rust off old bolts then throws them somewhere under the bench at the speed of light. Also removes flesh in about the time it takes to shout, "Ouc...."

Bolt & Stud extractor

A tool that snaps off in engine blocks and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

Body filler spatula

Theoretically a useful kitchen tool for spreading mayonnaise in sandwiches which seems to end up spreading filler, but mainly useful for scraping doggy poo off your boots.

Timing light

A stroboscopic instrument excellent for illuminating oil and grease build up.

Hydraulic Engine hoist

A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of earth straps, wiring and throttle linkages.

12" Long Screwdriver

A large prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

Battery Electrolyte Tester

A handy tool for transferring sulphuric acid from the battery across the bodywork into the toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.

Inspection Light

The mechanics own tanning booth, it is a good source of Vitamin D, the sunshine vitamin not otherwise found when working under Jaguars. Its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at the same rate as 105mm howitzer shells in the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

Phillips Screwdriver

Normally used to stab lids of old oil cans and splash oil all over your shirt, but also to round off Phillips screw heads.

Your Politics

Which statement best describes your political beliefs?

1. The government can and should provide care for its citizens, and actively engineer and influence its society, funded by tax dollars.
2. Each person is responsible for his/her own self and his/her dependents, and should live their lives free of undue taxation and government interference.
3. I have no social nor moral constraints whatsoever.
4. The government and its responsibilities can be found either in the Reference Section or in Section 300 of the Dewey Decimal System.
5. I was born between September 23rd and October 23rd.
6. I play piano whilst wearing a sequined tuxedo, a full-length fur coat, and a bouffant hairdo.

How did you score?

If you answered [A] - you are a Liberal
If you answered [B] - you are a Libertarian
If you answered [C] - you are a Libertine
If you answered [D] - you are a Librarian
If you answered [E] - you are a Libra
If you answered [F] - you are Liberace

Have a lovely day!