masterwordsmith-unplugged

Thanks to Angela who sent me the following jokes. Take care and have a great day!

The Loudmouth Parrot...

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. The sign on the cage said $50..00

"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad"

When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said,


"Hi Keith."

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THE ITALIAN ELBOW

An Italian grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

"You comma to de fronta door of the apartimenta.I'ma inna apartimenta 301. There issa bigga panel
at the fronta door. Witha you elbow, pusha button 301.

I will buzza you in .. comma inside, de elevator is ona de right. Get inna, anda witha you elbow, pusha 3.

Whena you get out, I'ma ona de left. Witha you elbow, hita my doorbell."

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow?


"What .. . . .. ..? You commin empty handed?!"

___________________________

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses 500 euros on a single hand, clutches his chest, and other five continue playing standing up.

Michael O'Connor looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife.. Who will it be?'

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one.. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

'Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet.

Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.'

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.

Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost 500 Euros, and is afraid to come home'

'Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife...

'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher.
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Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and bruised, and he's walking with a limp.

'What happened to you?' asks Sean, the bartender.

'Micheal O'Connor and me had a fight,' says Paddy.

'That little O'Connor,' says Sean, 'He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand.'

'That he did,' says Paddy, 'a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it.'

'Well,' says Sean, 'you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?'

That I did,' said Paddy, 'Mrs. O'Connor's breast, and a thing of beauty it was; but useless in a fight.'
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An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over. 'So,' says the cop to the driver, 'where have ya been?'

'Why, I've been to the pub of course,' slurs the Irishman.

'Well,' says the cop, 'it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening.'

'I did all right,' the drunk says with a smile.

'Did you know,' says the cop, standing straight, and folding his arms across his chest, 'that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?'

'Oh, thank heavens,' sighs Paddy. 'for a minute there, I thought I'd
gone deaf.'
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Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.

He says, 'So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?'

She says, 'Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.'

The priest says, 'Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?'

She says, 'That he did, Father.'

The priest says, 'What did he ask, Mary?'

She says, 'He said, Please Mary, put down that damn gun....'
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AND THE BEST FOR LAST . . .
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, 'Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side
either.