masterwordsmith-unplugged

Dear [insert screen name here] (if that is your real name),

I regret to inform you that, under a plan for the periodic removal of unpleasantness from my life, I must terminate our online affair.



This termination takes effect immediately, but only because I could not make it retroactive. Below, you will find the reasons for this action:

While our cyber**x sessions were, for the most part, competent, your constant use of "brb gotta pee" took some of the romance out of it.

Your use of the term "the ol' cyber ball and chain" to refer to me has hurt my feelings.

I've found another lover, one who knows the importance of punctuation.

Certain errors during cyber sessions indicate that you were less than honest:

You typed: "I remove my bra" when you claimed to be a man.

You typed: "I enter you" when you claimed to be a woman.

You typed your own name at the end.

Your supposedly original scenario, it turns out, is simply page 56 of a Jackie Collins novel.

Your repeated references to animals suggest that you are hiding something from me.

Your refusal to cyber until I submitted a recent AIDS test suggests a degree of paranoia that is, simply put, unhealthy.

I finally opened the file with your __ gif __ jpg __ police record.

I have no choice but to comply with the court orders unless I wish to face stalking charges.

Mommie says I need to spend less time on the computer.

Your mommie called me and yelled at me because of all the time you're spending on the computer.

I have established a more personal relationship with the Lord, and I would like to talk to you in great detail about what you can do to ensure a place in Heaven when the endtimes come. They are closer than you think.

The fact that you BCC all your love letters to me leaves me feeling less than special. As in cyber cheating, I finally read your profile, and the fact that you are only 14 violates the terms of my parole.

I am entering the witness protection program.

Please understand, __ [screen name] and/or __ that there is nothing personal in this. We've simply grown apart.

Any additional correspondence you may direct to my attorney,

Sincerely,

Gleefully,

I have to go before the warden calls "lights out,"

Uh oh, my Real Life mate is coming up the stairs,

Good riddance,

[Name or alias]

*Posted for humor with no intention to insult anyone or offend anyone.