A husband in his back yard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air, the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth.
He tries this a few more times with no success. All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window,
Muttering to herself how men need to be told how to do everything, she opens the window and yells to her husband, "You need a piece of tail."
The man turns with a confused look on his face and says,
"Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite."
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Pre-takeoff announcement on a China Southern Airlines flight. This is said to be a true account of what was heard on a recent flight from Shenzhen to Qingdao :
" Good afternoon, Ladies and the German. This is your cheap purser Wang Lui speaking.
On behalf of China Sudden Airlines, I would like to welcome you on board our Bowling 737 from Shenzhen to Qingdao .
Members of my crew speak Chinese and other languages that you do not know. It is a great pressure serving you to-die. Should you need any resistance during the fright, peace do pest the call button. I and my gals are available to make you feel comfortable. Meanwhile, the airkwaft is going to fry. Peace sit uplight and keep you belt tightly fastened until dinner is served at five dirty p.m.
Hope you would enjoy your fright with us. ! "
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To my wine drinking friends...
I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner. I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago", the homeless woman told me. "Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" I asked.
"No, I don't waste time shopping," the homeless woman said. I need to spend
all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" I asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!"
Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight." The homeless woman was shocked."Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty
disgusting."
I said, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a womanlooks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.
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Q:What three things are common between the sun and woman's underwear?
A: Both are hot, both look better while going down and both Disappear at night.
Q: Why do men ask for a woman's hand in marriage?
A: Because they are tired of using their own.
Q: What's common between men and video?
A: Both go backward...forward...backward...forward...backward.....forward... stop and eject.
Q: What is the closest thing similar to a woman's period?
A: Your salary, it comes once a month lasts about 5-7 days and if it doesn't come means you are in big trouble.
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7 qualities to be a perfect wife:
Beautiful,
Responsible
Energetic
Adorable
Sweet
Truthful and
Self-Organized.
In short, she must have good B.R.E.A.S.T.S.
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Q: What is the similarity between men and rats?
A: Both keep searching for new H*LES.
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Doctor: You look so weak & exhausted. Are you having 3 meals a day as I have advised?
Lady: Doctor, I thought you had said 3 males a day.
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AND FINALLY to end this all
Tarzan and the animals went to the river to take a bath. Tarzan removed his clothes. All the animals laughed. Tarzan asked "Why"?
The animals told him..........."Your tail is in the front".
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*Posted for laughs with no intention to offend anyone.
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cin2tan Tarzan laughs at Jane : " your tail is flat !!"