Q. What occurs more often in December than any other month?
A. Conception.
Q. Only 14% of Americans say they've done this with the opposite sex. What is it?
A. Skinny dipping
Q. What separates "60 Minutes," on CBS, from every other TV show?
A. No theme song/music.
Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace. This is called propinquity.
Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
A. Obsession
Q. What do more women do in the bathroom than men?
A. Wash their hands. Women 80% - Men 55%
Q. What do 100% of all lottery winners do?
A. Gain weight.
Q. In a recent survey, what did Americans reveal was their favorite smell?
A. Banana
Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand
Q. What do bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
A. All invented by women.
Q. Married men revealed that they do what twice as often as single men?
A. Change their underwear.
Q. What stimulates 29 muscles and chemicals causing relaxation? Women seem to like it light and frequent, men like it more strenuous.
A. A kiss.
Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey
Q. What day are more collect calls made on than any other day of the year?
A. Father's Day
Q. What trivia fact about Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny) is most ironic?
A. He was allergic to carrots.
Q. 40% of all people who come to a party in your home do this?
A. Snoop in your medicine cabinet.
Q. 3.9% of all women surveyed say they never do what?
A. Wear underwear.
Q. What common everyday occurrence is composed of 59% nitrogen, 21% hydrogen and 9% dioxide?
A. A fart.
Q. About 1/3 of all Americans say they do this while sitting?
A. Flush the toilet.
Q. What person, not a "Seinfeld" regular cast member, is featured on every episode of "Seinfeld"?
A. Superman, either by name or pictures on Jerry's refrigerator.
I have been to many places but I have never been in Cahoots. Apparently you can't go there alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.
I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.
I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport. You have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my family, friends and those with whom I have worked.
I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump and I am not too
much on physical activity anymore.
I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go and I try not to visit there too often.
I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.
Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.
One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense. It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart. At my age I need all of the stimuli I can get.
Just an added note: I hope none of my dear friends are in continent!! :-)
-Author Unknown-
Thanks to Linda who sent me this post. Have a great weekend!
Police Station toilet stolen....Cops have nothing to go on.
Schizophrenia beats being alone.
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes. You will learn a lot today.
A thing not worth doing isn't worth doing well.
Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?
All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
. I don't have a solution, but I do admire the problem.
I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.
The meek shall inherit the earth.....after we're through with it.
If a thing is worth doing, it would have been done already.
Ham and Eggs: A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig.
Lord, if I can't be skinny, please let all my friends be fat.
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die
.Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.
Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.
Jesus loves you! It's everybody else that thinks you're an ass.
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
Don't get married. Find a woman you hate and buy her a house. It's a lot easier on you.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
When blondes have more fun do they know it?
Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
Losing a husband can be hard. In my case it was almost impossible.
Jesus is coming! Look Busy.
My Wild Oats Have turned to Shredded Wheat!
Is reading in the bathroom considered multi-tasking?
Seen it all. Done it all. Can't remember most of it.
Why do bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it!
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
Attempt to get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!
Urban English is a funny thing. We have acronyms such as ROTFL, IMHO, AFAIK, OTOH, LOL, LMAO and so on. Sometimes, people ask me what those things mean - my sons and hubby included. Be very careful you know the meaning of the acronym before you use it. Otherwise, something like the following might happen:
Keep smiling and do swing by again for the next post. Have a nice day! Cheers!
She sent the following message while waiting for her train:
My love
If you are sleeping, send me your dreams
If you are smiling, send me your smile
If you are crying, send me your tears
I love you
He replied:
I'm in the toilet. What do I send?
Keep smiling! Have a wonderful Sunday!
Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year
On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.
She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993
The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
The patient refused an autopsy.
The patient has no past history of suicides.
Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.
She is numb from her toes down.
While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
The skin was moist and dry.
Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
Patient was alert and unresponsive.
Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
I saw your patient today, who is still under our Car for physical therapy.
Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
Skin: Somewhat pale but present.
The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.
Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
-Author Unknown-
Collected from various emails.
Here is a very interesting link that reader SKT sent me today. In between my chores, I had loads of fun chasing the sheep. Good way to destress. Have loads of fun and please share the results of your test. Most of the time, I ended up as a Bobbing Bobcat. The first time I played it, I clicked on the grass instead of on the tranquilizer button. Have fun with this! Next post will be up after dinner. Am still doing research on it. Do swing by later. Have a great time shooting sheep! Cheers!
_________________
The driving manual says the average driver's reaction time is .75 seconds or 1 car length for every 10mph. Test your average reaction time.
Be careful this can be addictive! You will be surprised at how slow you really are!
CLICK HERE FOR THE TEST.
Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
Procrastinate Now!
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me
I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. 8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
I'm not a complete idiot - - Some parts are just missing
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes
NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
God must love stupid people; He made so many.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
The trouble with life is there's no background music.
The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.
-Author Unknown-
Have a great day!
During the "anyone caught smoking or tampering with a smoke detector in the lavatory will be prosecuted...." spiel, a creative Southwest Airlines attendant added., "Said individual will also be treated to a private screening of "Gone With the Wind.......from the wing"
On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
"Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
From a Southwest Airlines employee: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."
In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child pick your favorite.
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."
"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop down from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children ... or other adults acting like children."
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is please to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault... it was the asphalt!"
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way thought thewreckage to the terminal."
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax ... OH, MY GOD!"
Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was speaking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A passenger in coach said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!"
-Author Unknown-
Posted for the sake of HUMOR with no intention to offend anyone.
There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.
'Is there anything breakable in here?' asked the postal clerk.
'Only the Ten Commandments,' answered the lady.
========
'Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world.
There are those who wake up in the morning and say,
'Good morning, Lord,'
and there are those who wake up in the morning and say,
'Good Lord, it's morning.'
========
A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: 'I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our trespasses.'
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note: 'I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation.'
========
There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: 'I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets.'
========
A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question, 'Boys and girls, what do we know about God?'
A hand shot up in the air. 'He is an artist!' said the kindergarten boy.
'Really? How do you know?' the teacher asked.
'You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... '
========
A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.
Reverend,' said the young man, 'I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip.'
The minister chuckled, 'I know what you mean. It's the same in my business.'
========
People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.
========
A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, 'I know what the Bible means!'
His father smiled and replied, 'What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?'
The son replied, 'I do know!'
'Okay,' said his father. 'What does the Bible mean?'
'That's easy, Daddy.'The young boy replied excitedly, 'It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.''
========
Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about.
The daughter answered, 'Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt.'
Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about. He said 'Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming.'
========
VATICAN HUMOR
After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.
'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'
'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'They never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today.'
'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
'Who's going to tell?' says the Pope with a smile?
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kph. (Remember, the Pope is German.)
'Please slow down, Your Holiness!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
'Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!' moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 205 kph.
'So bust him,' says the Chief.
'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed,' All the more reason!'
'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence.
The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the mayor?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
Chief: 'A senator?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
Chief: 'The Prime Minister?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
Well,' said the Chief, 'Who is it?'
Cop: 'I think it's God!'
The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?'
Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!'
========
Give me a sense of humor, Lord,
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And pass it on to other folk!
*Thanks to Angela who sent me this list of jokes. I may have posted this ages ago because they all sound vaguely familiar. Still, these oldies are goodies and I hope they have made you smile a lot!
What happened in the year you were born?
Just type in your year of birth and view......
CLICK HERE TO KNOW What happened when you were born.
Thanks to T.O. who sent me the link. I really learnt a lot and hope you do too. Have a restful Sunday evening!
This is the message that a School staff in the Worcester area voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine.
This is the actual answering machine message for the school. It came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework.
The school and teachers are now being threatened with legal action by some parents who want their children's failing marks changed to passing marks - even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the term and did not complete enough schoolwork to pass their various key stages.
The Message:
'Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right member of staff, please listen to all the options before making a selection:
To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1
To make excuses for why your child did not do his/her work - Press 2
To complain about what we do - Press 3
To swear at staff members - Press 4
To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your Newsletter and several letters posted to you - Press 5
If you want us to bring up your child - Press 6
If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7
To complain about school lunches - Press 8
To complain about bus transport - Press 9
LASTLY:
If you realise this is the real world, and your child must be accountable and responsible for their own behaviour, class work, homework and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and have a really wonderful day!
-Actual author unknown-
*Thanks to T.O. who sent me this via email. Have a great weekend, everyone!
Since it is the school holidays, my son Nicholas and I had a leisurely breakfast in front of my laptop. While he was having his cereal and milk and I was sipping my coffee, I opened my email and started reading one particular joke that T.O. sent me. In a few seconds, my laptop had signature stains of coffee and milk :-( if you know what I mean. Lesson learnt : Never read jokes from T.O. while drinking/eating.
This is an old joke which some of you may have seen. I googled for it in an attempt to find who is the author but alas, there is no acknowledgement. If any one of you know who wrote this, please leave a comment and I would like to give a standing ovation for the creator of this fantastic list.
Please exercise caution when you are reading the next part of this post. Ensure you do not laugh too loudly. Smile and have a great day!
NATIONAL FLOWER: Bunga Raya (Hibiscus).
NATIONAL CAR: Proton.
2nd NATIONAL CAR: Perodua Kancil.
3rd NATIONAL CAR: Perodua Tikus it's suppose to be half the size of the Kancil, but somehow Malaysian drivers will still be able to squeeze in 6 or 7 passengers.
NATIONAL BEHAVIOUR AT CAR SHOWROOMS: First walk towards the car you are interested in. Then walk around the car in circles, tapping and knocking every part of the chassis with your knuckles. Then say something like "Body not very solid..." After that approach the front left tyre, give it a few hard kicks to "test" the tyre. Next walk to the rear right side and press the body of the car down a few times, while exclaiming "wah, absorber not bad". Now you are ready for a "test drive" Get into the car and give the steering wheel a few turns. Flash the lights, sound the horn, recline the seats, open up every compartment etc. Do all these tests while you're pretending to read the brochure. Finished? Final test: get out of the car and slam the door a few times to check for "solid sound". If satisfied, approach salesman and ask "How much loan can take?"
NATIONAL RICE COOKER: National Rice Cooker. 99% of Malaysian households use a National Rice Cooker, the other 1% don't eat rice.
NATIONAL DOG NAME: Lucky or Poppy. Every self respecting mongrel in Malaysia who has an owner will invariably be call Poppy or Lucky.
NATIONAL BREAKFAST (ON THE WAY TO WORK): Nasi Lemak. Who cooks and eats nasi lemak at home for breakfast?
NATIONAL BREAKFAST (AT HOME): Maggi Mee. Also the national lunch and dinner if you're an outstation student, bachelor, neglected husband, lazy fella, etc.
NATIONAL EXCUSE FOR HAIR LOSS: Maggi Mee.
NATIONAL EXCUSE FOR BEING LATE: Traffic Jam.
NATIONAL CONDOM: None. Most Malaysians still feel embarrassed buying condoms. So they rushed in to a Seven Eleven, hurriedly grab the nearest pack, any pack, pay and leave before the cashier can even blink an eye. If it's not available, Malaysians optimistically apply the other birth control method. (See below)
NATIONAL FRUIT FOR INDUCING MENSTRUATION: Pineapple.
NATIONAL APHRODISIAC DRINK: Stout. Many swear by it. But after a few pints they start swearing at everything...
NATIONAL FAKE ILLNESS FOR GETTING MC (MEN): Food Poisoning.
NATIONAL FAKE ILLNESS FOR GETTING MC (WOMEN): Menstrual Pain.
NATIONAL EXCUSES GIVEN BY WOMEN WHEN REFUSING SEX: Headache, kids not asleep, maid not asleep, mother-in-law around, early appointment, food not digested yet, air cond not cold enough, air cond too cold, nail polish not dry yet, forgot to take the pill, sleepy, stomach cramps, menstruation, haven't remove makeup, haven't shower, no water supply, going to watch "Santa Barbara", depress, no mood, etc
NATIONAL EXCUSES GIVEN BY MEN WHEN REFUSING SEX: None.
NATIONAL SECRET SEXUAL DESIRE OF MALAYSIAN MEN: Transvestites Every heterosexual male Malaysian seem to have a secret desire for a "bapok". On a Saturday night, they flocked to all those places where the transvestites hang out. They ogle at them, tease them, pay for their "services", etc. They never fail to honk in excitement when they see one on the road. And the Saturday night outings to these places are always in a group of three or four male friends. It's a kind of Malaysian male bonding. Yes. Male bonding by seeking out men dressed up as women. It's no wonder that drag shows such as "Paper Dolls" are ever so popular in Malaysia.
NATIONAL CURE FOR HEADACHES: Panadol the "cure all" for Malaysians. If it fails we have another secret weapon; Tiger Balm.
NATIONAL CURE FOR DIZZINESS: Minyak Angin Cap Kapak
NATIONAL CAUSE OF DIZZINESS (FOR YUPPIES): Happy Hours
NATIONAL INSTANT CURE FOR DIZZINESS (FOR YUPPIES): The sight of a police road block.
NATIONAL CURE FOR DIARRHEA: Pil 'Chi Kit' Teck Aun The miracle cure! It works. Ten minutes and you're "dried" up. Always pack some of this stuff when you're travelling.
NATIONAL CAUSE OF CONSTIPATION: Pil 'Chi Kit' Teck Aun The pills are so tiny it's easy to swallow an extra mouthful and overdose on it. No one can help you here.
NATIONAL CURE FOR "HEATINESS": Eno, Leng Chee Kang, Chinese Herbal Tea, Tonic Water, Barley Drink, Chin Chau.
NATIONAL PASTIME ON WEEKENDS: Queuing up patiently at Magnum 4D shops. This is very strange. On week days you'll find the same people jumping queues, elbowing the next guy at the bus stops, train stations etc. THEORY & REALITY. The probability of you winning the first prize at a 4D game is 10000 to 1. Hard to comprehend? Imagine you're at the Merdeka Stadium and you're standing on the field facing the grandstand. There are only 10000 spectators and you have lost your car keys. One of these guys in the crowd have found your keys. I give you only one chance to pinpoint that guy. No way right?! So much for the theory. Now for the reality. Malaysians are an optimistic lot and I believe that the possibility of your lucky number coming up in a permutation is always almost 10 to 1. That is why the next morning at the kopi tiam, someone will be screaming %#*&! Na Phui! Number Terbalik! My good friend Loo Singh, a regular punter has offered the following tips: When you're at any KTM (Kuda, Toto, Magnum) outlets always avoid a queue consisting mainly of Chinese. These fellas don't like pen and paper. They bark their bets across the counter causing unnecessary delays. Avoid the queue where there are many Indians. Indians like to place RM1 bets. Only problem is they place about 200 RM1 bets at the same time. The whole of Sentul probably tumpang him. Go for the queue where there are many Malays and Indonesians. Usually, they place small bets and only on one number.
NATIONAL WATCH FOR TYCOONS: Rolex. Usually the model with the gold bracelet and diamond studded bezel.
NATIONAL WATCH FOR YUPPIES: Tag Hauer. Every yuppie's must have "show off" accessory. Usually further down the wrist, in the palm is a tiny Motorola StarTac cellular phone. The irony is that Motorola spent much time and effort inventing a phone that can sit comfortably inside the shirt pocket.
NATIONAL WATCH FOR THE REST OF US: Rolex, Tag Hauer, Raymond Weil or Patek Philippe from Petaling Street.
NATIONAL FORMULA ONE DRIVERS: Mini Bus Drivers.
NATIONAL RUBBISH DUMP: Anywhere. As long as it is not your house.
NATIONAL FINANCE COMPANY: Kedai Pajak Gadai (Pawn Shop). My Tag Hauer is now proudly on display there.
NATIONAL SNACK WHEN WATCHING A MOVIE: Smelly cuttlefish (sotong bakar)(during the trailers), Kua chee (during the movie).
NATIONAL PLACES FOR SMOOCHING: Lake Gardens, cinemas and reservoirs.
NATIONAL PLACES FOR PEEPING TOMS: Lake Gardens, cinemas and reservoirs
NATIONAL JAGA KERETA: Wilson.
NATIONAL MOST MISPRONOUNCED NAME: Carrefour (sound like Car Fu). Sometimes even pronounced as Carry 4!
NATIONAL ANTHEM OF PETALING STREET: "Lemon Tree" Natural successor: "Barbie Girl".
NATIONAL ROAD: Jalan Tun Razak. On a short stretch there's the National Theatre, National Heart Institute and the National Library.
NATIONAL BEHAVIOUR AT ANNUAL DINNERS: Attacking the Balloons This one can never figure out. When the balloons are dropped from the ballroom's ceiling, grown men in tuxedos, women, children, even the Waiters will attack the balloons like savages. They squashed and stomped on the balloons so ferociously until not the single inflated balloon is left. They take no prisoners. They then quietly march out of the ballroom like victorious soldiers leaving behind a trail of death and destruction. Animals!
NATIONAL DECEPTION: The Wonder Bra Ever wonder why your girlfriend or wife suddenly looked incredibly shapely when she's dressed up for a party? It's the Wonder Bra! At this point if you experience a sudden uncontrollable urge for a quickie, she'll most likely give you the standard National Response: "I don't want to mess up my makeup".
NATIONAL ROADSIDE DISTRACTION: The Braless Tourist See how heads turn and traffic slows down when a braless Mat Salleh backpacker goes bouncing about on the streets of KL.
NATIONAL POSE: Stick Two Fingers. Another one which I can't figure out. When you're having your picture taken, the friend behind you will always place two "horns" on your head.
-Author Unknown-
*Posted for laughs with grateful thanks to T.O.
Yesterday evening, I asked my younger son to read my blog :-) to give me his opinion of the jokes I had been posting.
"Lame, mom. Your jokes are funny but not that funny to kids like me. Let me show you a real funny joke and it is for real!" he said mischievously.
With that, he ran out of my bedroom and a minute later was back with his Horrible Science magazine.
I looked at him skeptically and started reading. In a few seconds, I started laughing so much and every single sentence I read made me crack up. Thanks, Nick, for a dose of real humor.
Here it is:
The World's Worst Bank Robbers
Some days, nothing goes your way. In August 1975, three stick-up artists ran into the Royal Bank of Scotland in Rothesay, Scotland, but before they could get inside, they got themselves stuck in revolving doors.
The kind staff helped them to get free and the robbers sheepishly thanked them and left.
Two minutes later, they burst into the bank and shouted that it was a hold up. Unfortunately, nobody believed them. The helpful bank workers thought that these nice lads were pulling their legs.
When the leader of the gang demanded 5000 pounds, the head cashier laughed out loud. So then the leader asked for 500 pounds instead. This got more people chuckling so the would-be hard man lowered his demand to 50 pounds and eventually to 50p.
By this time, people's sides were splitting - they couldn't believe this hilarious joke!
Then one of the men jumped over the counter, but he slipped and twisted his ankle when he landed.
While he was rolling around in agony, his mates decided that it was time to split. They legged it for the exit, but in their panic, got caught in the revolving doors again!
-Author Unknown-
Posted for laughs. Take care and do leave a comment if you would like to share some humor :-) or your reaction. Thanks!
1) It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
2) Age is a high price to pay for maturity.
3) Age brings wisdom ... or age shows up alone. You never know.
4) Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
5) I've forgotten more than I've ever learned.
6) The older I get the better I was.
7) If you don't think pushing 60 is hard, wait till you start dragging it.
8) The future ain't what it used to be.
9) I have an impressive bank of knowledge and experience. Unfortunately, I've lost the combination to this bank.
10) If you think there's good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
11) Money isn't everything but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
12) You can hold your stomach in for just so many years.
13) Youth passes, but with luck immaturity can last a lifetime.
14) I have trouble remembering simple words like .... uh ... uh.
15) Take my advice. I'm not using it.
16) Ever stopped to think and forgotten to start again?
17) If you can't say something nice about a person ... you've come to the right place.
18) Everyone is entitled to my opinion.
19) Why has everyone started mumbling?
20) "Happy Hour" is a nap.
-Author Unknown-
Posted for laughs. Thanks to TO who sent me this post.
A woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called 'The Knob,' where a small knob is placed at the top of the woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and produce the effect of a brand new face-lift.
Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.'
Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.
After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.
'All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying
problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't
get rid of them.'
The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'Those aren't bags, those are your breasts.'
She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.'
-Author Unknown-
*Thanks to Angela who sent me this joke. No offense meant to anyone.
:-) I hope you get the joke. Have a nice day!
Good morning, dear readers! I know some of you might think I must have gone quite mad with so many postings on humor. To be honest, I am very saddened by what is happening around us. I do not wish to remain in this muted mode or in anger at the ludicrous situations around us and these little anecdotes really help me to diffuse my negative feelings in many ways.
It is actually quite painful. To have written so much, to have hoped for so much more and yet to see the situation getting more bizarre and bordering madness has led to so much cognitive dissonance within me. If I were to be 'me' and lash out, it does not help matters at all for anyone. So do bear with me as I try to calm myself and dispel those gloomy clouds with sunny side smiles and laughter.
It's Friday and also the last day of school so here's another joke sent to me by Angela. Thanks, sweetheart! If any of you have jokes or other stuff that you would like to share, please send them to mwsmithunplugged@gmail.com
Thanks! Have a wonderful Friday and fantastic weekend. If you are going off on a holiday soon, take care, drive safely and do swing by whenever you can. HAPPY HOLIDAYS!
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The next time you use a pair of rubber gloves, you're going to smile when you think of this:
A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.
'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked.
'No, I don't,' she replied.
'Well,' he spoofed, 'there's a building in Canada with a big tank of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.'
She didn't crack a smile.
'Oh, well. I tried,' he thought.
But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.
'What's so funny?' he asked.
'I was just envisioning how condoms are made!'
(Gotta watch those little old ladies! Their minds are always working!)
Be afraid of old ladies! Be very afraid! They have been there and done everything!
Just kidding!
-Author Unknown-
Posted for the sake of humor with no intention to insult/offend anyone.
Have a wonderful day!
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I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
A man was complaining to a friend: 'I had it all - money, a beautiful house,a big car, the love of a beautiful woman; then, Pow! it was all gone!' 'What happened?' asked the friend. 'My wife found out...'
Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight. Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.
A man rushes into his house and yells to his wife, 'Martha, pack up your things! I just won the California lottery!' Martha replies, 'Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?' The man responds, 'I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!'
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street bald and still think they are beautiful! I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months--I don't like to interrupt her. If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
-Author Unknown-
Each of us has a choice - to age gracefully or grumpily :-). Here's something that tells us the different phases that women may go through as the years go by. Thanks to T.O. who sent me this pic. Do leave a comment to share your thoughts :-) and experiences/observations. Thanks! Have a great day!
A man was walking on the beach and found a lamp.
After a few quick rubs, the genie pops out and says that he will grant the man one wish.
The man thinks for a moment, then replies "Well, I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm terrified of flying, and I get violently seasick if I even think about getting on a boat, so I want a bridge built that will let me drive my car to the islands.
The genie's eyes widen in amazement. "But, jeez! Do you have any clue how hard that would be? Why, the water's miles deep out there! Imagine the size I'd have to make the pilings! Not to mention all the typhoons that rip through the Pacific. Nope, can't do it. Sorry, but you'll have to pick something else."
So the man shrugs and says, "Well, OK. How about this? I've been married four times, and divorced four times. I just can't figure women out. I want to be able to understand women. What makes 'em tick, what makes 'em happy, what they fear."
The genie nods and thinks for a moment before he responds: "So, should that bridge be two lanes or four?"
Thanks to TO who sent me this joke. Take care and have a great day!
