There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into the Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10 miles visibility when his instruments went out.
He began circling around looking for a landmark. Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with a guy working alone on the fifth floor. He banks the plane around, rolls down the window and shouts to the guy,"Hey where am I?"
The man replies, "You're in an airplane." The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to perform a perfect blind landing on the airport runway 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out.
The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it.
"Quite easy," replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless, therefore, that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is just five miles due East."
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One day little Jenny came home from school, and said to her mother, "Mummy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn't do."
The mother exclaimed, "But that's terrible Jenny dear! I'm going to have a talk with your teacher about this! By the way, what was it that you didn't do?"
Little Jenny replied, "My homework."
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Signs Your Co-Worker Is A Hacker
Everyone who ticks him or her off gets a £26,000 phone bill.
They've won the Readers Digest Sweepstake three years running.
When asked for their phone number, they give it in hex.
They seem strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.
They mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeeez!" 295 times during the movie "The Net."
Their bank account receives a massive £400,000 contribution made in half-penny increments.
Their video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among turn-ons.
Instead of the "Welcome" voice on AOL, you overhear, "Good Morning, Mr./Mrs. President."
You hear them murmur, "Let's see you use that VISA card now, Professor "I-Don't-Give-A's-In-Computer-Science!"
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This 45 year old woman is naked, jumping up and down on her bed laughing and singing. Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her. He watches her a while then says, "You look ridiculous! What on earth do you think you're doing?"
She says, "I just got my checkup and my doctor says I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old." She starts laughing and jumping again.
He says, "Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 45 year-old ass?"
"Your name never came up," she replied.
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Why it's Great To Be A Man
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
Movie nudity is virtually always female.
A 5 day holiday requires only one suitcase.
You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives.
Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
You can open all your own jars.
Short skirts.
Old friends don't care whether you've lost or gained weight.
Dry cleaners and hairdressers don't rob you blind.
When clicking through the channels, you don't have to stall at every shot of somebody crying.
All your orgasms are real.
You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
Your last name stays put.
You can leave the hotel bed unmade.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
Nobody secretly wonders whether you swallow.
Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
None of your co-workers has the power to make you cry.
You don't have to curl up next to a hairy butt every night.
If you're 34 and single, nobody even notices.
You can write your name in the snow.
Everything on your face gets to stay its original color.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
Flowers fix everything.
You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
Three pairs of shoes is more than enough.
You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into a room.
You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
You can quietly watch a game with you buddy for hours without ever thinking "He must
be mad at me".
The world is your urinal.
Hot wax never comes near your pu*** area.
One mood, all the time.
You never have to drive on to another petrol station because this one's just too mankey.
You can sit with you knees apart no matter what you're wearing.
Grey hair and wrinkles only add character.
You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
*Posted for laughs and not to insult men! Cheers and smiles!
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Women Talk Too Much
Rodney was reading the morning newspaper when he came upon a study that said women use more words than men.
Excited to prove to his wife, Cathy, his long-held contention that women in general, and Cathy in particular, talked too much, he showed her the study results.
Rodney read the report to Cathy, "Men use about 15,000 words per
day, but women use 30,000."
Cathy thought awhile, then finally she said to him, "It's because we have to repeat everything we say."
Rodney said, "What?"
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Cat's On The Roof
John had just won first prize at a cat show and had received a 10-day cruise to the Puerto Rico. The catch was, though, pets weren't allowed on the cruise. So John decided to leave his cat with his best friend, Al.
Al agreed to come over to John's house and live with his mom for the duration of the cruise. John told Al, "Just feed the cat three meals a day, and take good care of him. He's my prize-winning cat!" And with that, he left.
The next day, John phoned Al on his cell phone and asked, "How are things?" To which Al responded, "Things are fine."
"How's Mom?"
"Mom's fine."
"How's the cat?"
"The cat's fine." Satisfied, John hung up.
Next day, John called Al again, asking the same questions.
"How are things?"
"Things are fine."
"How's Mom?"
"Mom's fine."
"How's the cat?"
"The cat's DEAD."
"WHAT?!?" John was quite distressed. "How could you let it die?
It was my prize cat!"
"Well, John, I'm sorry, but I couldn't do anything, I didn't see it. But what I think happened was that the cat was on the roof, fell off, and broke his leg. Then, he hobbled out into the road, and got run over."
John was cooling down a bit now, and said, "Well, couldn't you have tried to break it to me over time? You could have said it bit by bit. For example, you could have first said 'The cat's on the roof', then the next day said 'The cat fell off the roof, and broke its leg', see what I'm saying."
"Yeah, yeah, I get it. See you later, John."
"Ok... bye." John hung up.
The next day, John phoned Al again.
"How are things?"
"Things are fine."
"How's Mom?"
"Umh," Al said, "Mom's on the roof."
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Fairytale Couple
A couple had been married for 25 years and was celebrating the husband's 60th birthday.
During the party, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.
The wife said, "We've been so poor all these years, and I've never gotten to see the world. I wish we could travel all over the world." The fairy waved her wand and POOF! She had the tickets in her hand.
Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, and then said, "Well, I'd like to be married to a woman 30 years younger than me."
The fairy waved her wand and POOF! He was 90.
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Here's wishing you and yours a wonderful day and a fantastic weekend!
14 comments to NOTHING BUT THE BEST JOKES FOR FRIDAY!!!
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Unknown Dear Cat-in-Sydney
Hehee!!! I share the same view :-)...
I also like the one about men..
Here's wishing you plenty of laughter and cheer with your feline loved ones.
Take care and salam to your entire household,
mws
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nick Sis, yet again I have hijacked your humorous post and change it to:
Signs Your Co-Worker Is AN UMNO BRANCH LEADERS
Everyone who ticks him or her off gets a call from the police or MACC asking them to come in for questioning.
They've won the Best Employee Award and Vertical increases of salary even though they are always missing during office hours and they have carpal tunnel syndrome from playing solitaire too much.
When asked for their phone number, they instead give you their bank account number with a sly remark” I can kautim anything and with everyone!”
They seem strangely calm whenever there is a work performance review.
They shout, "1Malaysia!" every time they see Najib's pictures in the office.
Their bank account receives massive deposits whenever it’s time for GE or by election.
Their all time favorite video/movie is “the live coverage of Isa Samad victory in Bagan Pinang by election”.
They don’t own a PC, doesn’t know what the internet is but keep on complaining that “bloggers are lying and cheating traitors!"
You hear them murmur, "Let's see your children try to apply for local Uni intake now, Mr smart goody two shoe putting adults content blocker IT dept Head!”
Have a nice day and GOD bless us all, Sis.
Hamba.
P.s Hope you're not tired of me always taking pot shot at that political party.
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Unknown Hi Nick
Thanks so much!!! By all means, go ahead - please convert, transform whatever you like - as long as it drives home the point that Malaysia needs to move on..
Thanks for the effort to write these...
You take care and please keep in touch!
Have a great day!
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bakarmerah and HERE ARE another: 30 more Reasons It's Great To Be A Woman
31. No endless bragging bullshit. Friends don't talks deals over tuna salad.
32. Plastic surgery.
33. No matter how small your feet are, no one ever wonders how small anything else is.
34. Make-up. No one ever has to know what you really look like.
35. Money discussed only in relation to shopping or alimony, never income or real estate.
36. Tuxedo rental: $10 Loehman's slipdress: $39
37. No proctology exams.
38. Nothing but pee expected in a plastic cup.
39. Anything you do with your mouth (besides talking) will get his attention, even if done badly.
40. Never feel like a failure because you didn't get to be president.
41. Seeing you eat a banana turns him into a blithering idiot.
42. No one asks you "So, who's gonna win the championship?"
43. No one checks out your genital size in a public restroom.
44. If you lose a tennis game, friends don't feel superior or think you're slipping.
45. No one expects you to know about or fix what's under the hood.
46. Affirmative Action.
47. No rejection. Guys do all the asking.
48. Power. Governments crumble over what's under your skirt. Guys risk their jobs, reputations and homes for it. The world is run on it. It's currency.
49. You finish dressing ... he gets the car.
50. Everything you do is an accomplishment. No one even expects you to be logical.
51. Electricity: dishwashers, microwaves, vibrators (no need for porn).
52. PMS Defense.
53. Always have company in the Ladies Room.
54. Never have to get your face pummeled to impress dates or friends.
55. No one ever says to you in bed, "It's okay, honey, it happens to everyone."
56. You're not compelled to bite people on the back.
57. Waiters always give the check to him.
58. No comb-overs. No rugs.
59. A dip in the ocean makes your interesting parts expand, not shrink.
60. Lorena Bobbitt.
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Unknown *claps gleefully*
*bows*
*standing ovation and encore!!!
Thanks so much for such a brilliant list - satire, dark humor, wit, etc!!! I bow in homage to Ah Pek!!!
I really cannot stop laughing, Pug!!! Aiyo - your humor is priceless and classic!!!
May I repost your comment as a separate post???? Please, please???
Thanks for sharing and for making me enjoy aerobic exercise with air going into my lungs from all that laughter - helping me to look er think I look more like Megan :-)
Cheers!
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bakarmerah Aaaaiyohhhh this auntie ahh, so kampung one.
Why need my permission lah? I stole them la.
Go to "google". Type "why it's great to be a woman".
Wet your panties giggling.
I had 60 reasons but your comment box allowed less than that, so I thought post them 30 + 30 but first 30 did not "post".
PS Remember to change to fresh panties after the deed is done ah?
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bakarmerah okay, since it's a fry day here are the first 29 Reasons WHY It's Great To Be A Woman:
1. Every guy who ever dumped you will die first.
2. You're not compelled to save the universe.
3. No performance anxiety ... ever. In fact, the worse you are in bed,the better your reputation.
4. Never have to call Sy Sperling; your forehead remains the same size forever.
5. Don't have to knock yourself out ... the less you do for guys, the better they treat you.
6. No one gives a damn what you do for a living. If a guy wants you, you could work in a slaughterhouse, for all he cares.
7. Never have to know where you are or where you're going; some guy will always give you directions.
8. You can wear dresses or pants ... no one questions your sexual preference.
9. No suits in summer.
10. Tank tops OK in restaurants.
11. No clearing your throat at sad movies.
12. He will NEVER know how many times you faked it.
13. Your sex drive goes off the chart after 40; younger men LOVE you.
14. A picture of you taken from the back never reveals a shiny spot on your head.
15. No ulcers. All problems resolved by girlfriends in hour over the phone. Okay, hours, who cares?
16. No therapy. All magazines, self-help books, Oprah, made for women.
17. No rubber products pulled over your genitals.
18. Designer outlets.
19. You don't have to be interesting; he only wants you to listen. Smile, nod, think about sale at Saks. Actual opinions about anything, a big turnoff to him.
20. Two (or three or four) orgasms to his one.
21. Chocolate can give you one.
22. Miracle Bra. No matter how little you put into one, he becomes your slave.
23. Short skirts. He can't stop thinking what's under them, no matter how many times he's seen it.
24. A really good cry.
25. Short means cute, not Napoleon complex; he loves being looked up to.
26. There is always a sale on somewhere.
27. Martha Stewart can't keep a guy, no matter HOW she folds a napkin.
28. No such thing as bad sex to guys. You can pretty much be in a coma.
29. Your friend asks, "How are you?" You can answer for an hour; someone will actually be listening.
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Unknown Aiyoyoooo This Ah Pek ah pandai to bully this innocent Auntie LOL!!!
I respect you :-) and thought you wrote the 30 reasons....
Wah lah - you are very cheeky haha!
Thanks for sharing...
Disposables are easier haha!
Cheers
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Unknown Dear Pug
WOW!!! Thanks so much for this list.
I will repost on another day as a full post and credit to your contribution.
Love the humor in this list...
Take care and hope to meet you one day.
Cheers
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bakarmerah wahh you want to meet me ah?
now i pee in my Victoria Secret panties
non-disposable one
whoops wrong post
fry day mah
OK SERIOUSLY, which rock are you hanging out in now? And which church? You seem like a sugary-sweet, offer-the-other-cheek Christian to me. Me, just a baby Christian.
sure can meet one. to be safe, bring your gang (hubby + replicas). I'll bring mine. But they are not as siow as me, so no worries.
can meet you some where safe, some random weekend, like Mid Valley kua?
and then do what? u ah.
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Unknown Alamaak...you have incontinence problems. What to do??? :-) Just pulling your leg.
Me???? Sugary sweet??? Yau moe kau chor??? Me martial arts student wor!!! Wing zhun to be exact and MMA ie mixed martial arts...combination of tai chi and shao-lin.
I thought you are from Penang ...So you are from KL! Next time I go to KL i will look you up and meet in a fish/pet shop, Kinokuniya/Borders/MPH or plaza Low yat which is where I hang out.
Let me know if you come to Penang and I will belanja you together with my brood...
Take care tai ko...
TGIF!!!
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bakarmerah Miss Master-of-words,
Re: Alamaak...you have incontinence problems. What to do??? :-) Just pulling your leg.
It looks like you are not as sick as me!
When I said, "wahh you want to meet me ah?"
I meant I was so scared that, "...now i pee in my Victoria Secret panties"
And lagi sicko, i'm a man, why would i be wearing panties? Eeeuuugh.
You really are a naive, sweet-sweet, butter wouldn't elt in your mouth piece of marvelous work.
You should really check out 5xmummy blog. Now that is a Penang char bor of the world!
But, having said that, it's all good.
Cheers, you have an awesome weekend, mighty blessings to you and your brood.
See you at Low Yat, but ai yoh, that one low class la, unless u are a IT nerd. How about Mid Valley, or 1Utama?
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Unknown Hi again Pug
Ahem - I was playing along with your line re peeing..
Thanks for the kind comments but really not that sweet haha!
Yes, I am an IT nerd indeed. I live, breathe and sleep and dream IT and if I could live my life again, i wanna be a musician or writer or an IT expert :-). Most of the guys in Low Yat know me...
Can - the next time I go to KL I will see you in Mid-Valley...
Take care and email me when you are free.
Cheers
Cat-from-Sydney MWS,
I like the last one best! The man deserves it. And may the wife leave him alone at home while she travels the world as he's too old and feeble. Beware what you wish for...hahahah...