But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, ‘Spreadsheet, do your stuff.’ Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies …………Everyone agreed that was good.
But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said ‘Measure, do your stuff.’ Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk,, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass. Everyone agreed that was pretty good.
Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said,‘What can your cat do?'
The Government Employee called his cat and said…. ‘Coffee Break…..do your stuff.’ Coffee Break jumped to his feet………..
Ate the cookies……..
Drank the milk………….
Sh*t on the paper………………..
Screwed the other three cats……..
Claimed he injured his back while doing so………………
Filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions.
Put in for Workers Compensation……..and
Went home for the rest of the day on sick leave…………..!!!!!!!!!!
*This joke is specially for Cat-in-Sydney :-), my dear blogger friend from where else? Sydney! I think I posted it before but it is worth another read :-).
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The following joke is specially for Pug. (I have to be fair and show no partiality to dogs or cats.)
To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets
1. They live here. You don’t.
2. If you don’t want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That’s why they call it ‘fur’niture.)
3. To you, it’s an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn’t speak clearly.
Remember:
Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don’t ask for money all the time
3 Are easier to train.
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don’t hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don’t smoke or drink
8. Don’t have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don’t want to wear your clothes
10. Don’t need a gazillion dollars for college, and…
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.
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A blonde and her husband are lying in bed, not able to sleep because of the neighbors constantly barking dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours. The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, ‘I’ve had enough of this!’
She goes downstairs. The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says, ‘The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?’ The blonde says, ‘I put the dog in our backyard, let’s see how THEY like it.’
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Unforgettable nursery rhymes
Mary had a little p**,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of p*rk went up,
She shot the little bastard.
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Mary had a little lamb.
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two chunks of bread.
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Jack and Jill went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.
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Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie man,
“What have you got there?”
Said the pie man unto Simon,
“Pies, you dumb ass”
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Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings’ horses,
And all the kings’ men.
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again.
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Hey diddle, diddle, the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.
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Georgie Porgy pudding and pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too ’cause he was g**.
*No offense meant - just for humor.
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There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad……..
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.
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Sometime this year we taxpayers may receive an Economic Stimulus payment.
This is a very exciting new program, the explanation is via the Q and A format:
Q. What is an Economic Stimulus payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.
Q.. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn’t that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the Canadian economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:
* If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China .
* If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.
* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India .
* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico , China Honduras and Guatemala .
* If you buy a car, it will go to Japan or Korea .
* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .
* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.
Instead, keep the money in Canada by:
1 spending it at yard sales, or
2 going to ball games, or
3 spending it on prostitutes, or
4 beer or
5 tattoos
(These are the only Canadian businesses still operating in Canada )
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Have a nice day folks! Next post is still in the oven and will be coming up soon. Swing by again ok? Thanks!
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A young, good-looking cowboy walked into a drug store in Montana and asked
to speak to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and as she and her sister owned the store, there were no males employed there. She then asked if she could help him.
The cowpoke said that it was something that he would be much more
comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist. The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.
The cowboy reluctantly agreed and began by saying, ‘This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erec****. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it.’
The pharmacist said, ‘Just a minute, I’ll talk to my sister.’ When she
returned, she said, We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can
do is as follows: 1/3 ownership in the store, a company pickup truck, and $3,000 a month living expenses!
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Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby” when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?
Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They’re going to see you naked anyway.
If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?
Why is “bra” singular and “panties” plural?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, “I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!”
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being woul d eat?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
When your photo is taken for your driver’s license, why do they tell you to smile? If you are stopped by the police and asked for your license, are you going to be smiling?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don’t point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs!
What do you call male ballerinas?
If Wyle E. Coyo te had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it’s outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it’s in your butt?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?
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Yes, I know I am very crazy posting on a variety of subjects :-). No matter what, midday humor is a must to help us make it through the rest of the day!
Have a nice day, dear reader! Next post is still baking in the oven so do swing by again later.
bakarmerah 0 comments ha ha
awww...nobody layan ah?
any hoo, thanks for the doggie jokes
how's your back young lady?
have a restful evening