masterwordsmith-unplugged

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.

The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR”. What’s my mother going to do?

He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

God must love stupid people. He made SO many.

Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.