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Stoned Sea Birds

There was a biology student who was studying equilibrium in sea birds. He proposed that giving measured doses of various hallucinogenic substances and observing their flight patterns would give some insight to the problems of equilibrium in three dimensional space. This tale taking place in a more liberal era, the student got the funding. He filled out mountains of forms, set up a lab with a supply of sea birds, and proceeded on his way. After a year of diligent work, groveling monthly before the review committee to get his stipend, and living with stoned sea birds, he completed his study.

With trembling hands, he delivered his 247 page report, complete with charts and graphs, to the review committee. This august body peruses his study, asking penetrating questions and reducing our student to jello. Finally, the department head rises. The light reflects off her steel rimmed glasses as she stares down at our student.

"There is a lot of good work here," she says. "But we can't accept this report. You have detailed marvelously the effects of all these substances on these sea birds, but you have no control group."

Our student turns pale and says, "You don't mean..."

"Yes. I'm afraid so. You left no tern unstoned."



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Two Pieces of Tarmac

There's these two pieces of tarmac in a bar arguing over who's hardest.

First one goes, "I'm part of a driveway, I've got to be really strong in the mornings to hold the car up and again in the evenings when it comes home."

Second one goes " aghh ya wimp, I'm part of the M25. I'm dead strong, you don't last long if you're not, what with cars, lorries 'n' abnormal loads running over you all the time. And it never stops, morning, afternoon & night, I'm dead hard I am.

At that moment, this tiny piece of red tarmac enters the bar.

At this, the second piece of tarmac blanches, makes his excuses and runs for the door. The first piece of tarmac downs his pint & follows him out. "What's wrong?" he asked.

The second piece of tarmac replied " It's that red piece of tarmac. I've seen him in action before, he's a utter nutter, violent as f**k.

He's a cyclepath."

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Bjorn the Viking

Bjorn the viking is about to set off for yet another raiding party to the Islands across the sea. On his way down to the long boat he bumps into his mother Helga. She looks up at him (for he is very tall and handsome) with her one good eye and says .. "Are you going to bring back a present for your poor blind mother ?" she says to him.

"Of course mama" he replies "what do you want ?". "I'd love one of those newfangled devices they have for washing the dishes, it's a metal container you fill with water, and it has a ledge you place the plates and pots on after you've finished".

So Bjorn, with this description firmly in his mind sets off across the sea, telling all his friends how he will honour his fathers, grandfathers, and return with a great prize for his mother.

Once in England he gets down to the job of rape and pillage with an enthusiastic, if somewhat blood curdling scream. A few villages are burnt, dozens of maidens are taken, much gold is recovered.

With all this going on Bjorn forgets about his promise to his mother until he is making his way back to the boat, through the ruins of a building site. Eric (his life long friend) turns to him and reminds him of this.

Aghast, Bjorn quickly looks around for some gift for his mother, and all he can find is a pole with a cradle attached for carrying bricks around the new houses being built.

Back on the boat Eric turns to Bjorn and says "What's that you have Bjorn, that's not what you promised your mother". Bjorn is not concerned and replies "Don't fear old friend I am sure my mother will be equally happy with this gift".

When they get home Helga is indead very pleased with the gift, which just goes to show .. a hod is as good as a sink to a blind norse.

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Two Ant-Eaters

Two anteaters go out for a pub lunch. When they get to the pub they find a nice table & order their food. The waiter brings them their food & enquires if everything is OK.

Five minutes later and he's back " Are you sure everything's OK?"

Five minutes later he's back with the manager "Are you really sure everything's OK?" The anteaters reply sure they're happy, everything's fine.

"So what's with the long faces then?", enquires the waiter.