masterwordsmith-unplugged

I wrote the following post on June 5th 2009. While deleting my stuff in Facebook, I stumbled upon this piece. Originally titled THE BEGINNING OF REAL LIVING AND THE END OF MERE EXISTENCE I changed the title to Passion, Purpose and Power and have edited it to reflect my current perspective. Take care and have a blessed day.

Passion, Purpose and Power

Along this journey of life, we grow up, sometimes at a tender age and sometimes at a much later stage in life. There are surreal moments when we feel so alive that the world seems to be so unreal as though we are mere beings floating in our little corner of existence.

And then moments of great disappointment descend upon us when we realize those in whom we placed our trust are not who we thought they were.

And how did we feel?

So we picked up the pieces, tried to maintain our composure and after that first heartbreak swore that we would never allow any other person to do that to us again.

In the past, bitterness grew but of late, I have learnt to keep the good and throw away the bad AND to keep my distance from such persons. I choose to remember the happy moments and not to succumb myself to the hurt and deprive myself of the opportunity to live and then to merely exist.

And then what? Is it so easy?

History repeats itself and each time, it gets more and more painful and transforms itself into an insurmountable obstacle as we endeavor to forgive and to forget.

Letting go and moving on is never easy but neither is it impossible. Yes, there were tears but after all the roller-coaster ups and downs, I reckon my tears are precious to me and I will not even cry unless it is really worth my tears. Unconsciously, I had been fortifying my weak and emotional side to be more Amazon-like in my character, a far cry from the feeble one I used to be.

Reality check.

We are but humans ourselves and in the circle of life, sometimes we do the same to others, although not deliberately and when they cry, we remember the times when we ourselves cried.

Sometimes we would cry together with our friends but more often than not, we would cry in the comfort of our own little world. There have been times I worried if the teardrops would short circuit the laptop as I expressed grief in an email or in a Skype chat with Angela to unload my woes.

And Angela would say to me, "On my God, Paula....come on. You siau-ah? You crazy ah? Oh my God - you are crying over this.... Grow up. Stop being an emo queen." followed by her laughter. She scolded me, cajoled me, even yelled at me punctuated with her French :-).

Honestly, I am so glad that I never reacted negatively to her criticisms or laughter. I am so glad that she loves me enough to tick me off, laugh at my stupidity, vulnerability and to point out where I erred. She is the mother I lost when I was 11, the girlfriend I always yearned to have and my sparring partner on issues. I used to say that I would die if she died before me and she would knock me into shape by reminding me of how life goes on etc and today, I think I graduated with honors from the University of Angela. :-) I look back fondly at the way she used to tease and sometimes mock me lovingly for the stuff I used to do, things I used to say. Crying is no longer my hobby. Living and not existing is my main pre-occupation now. And I know I have become a stronger and better person because she cared enough to knock me on the head without the overtures of hypocrisy or pretentiousness.

So we move on - we may leave some friends behind if it hurts too much to continue or make new friends in an effort to make right what went wrong in the past, to prove to ourselves that we can do it right the next time but still there will be hiccups...

At one point in time, I used to cherish the old hurts and disappointments, some which were decades old disappointments and if truth be told, it still hurts sometimes,. Previously, the tears cascaded in moments of weakness. But now, they don't any more. I cannot even remember some of those instances. I have detached myself from such painful experiences and/or toxic people and am able to look at them objectively and continue not just to live, but to thrive. I never thought I would be able to do this but I have and I am so glad for that. Imagine having to take so many decades to reach where I am today. Better late than never.

Yes, life is so short and so often we lose someone we love, someone who meant the world to us be it a family member, a classmate, a pet or a friend and so on. The past two years, I lost many friends and relatives who passed on because of illnesses. All that brought much heartbreak and tears to my life. I never cried so much but looking back now, I realize I have learnt a lot from it. I learnt that life is so precious and that I needed to lose weight, keep fit, be emotionally resilient, unemotional and to practise detachment, not suppression of feelings for personal growth to take place.

To really live, I believe that we should look out for those moments of happiness and joy and remember that those moments are treasures while disappointments are temporary setbacks for us to treasure the important things in life which we may have overlooked or taken for granted.

A few months ago, I felt as if I was going into mid-life crisis - worrying about health issues, death and who would die first - my spouse or me etc..and what would happen? My hubby reminded me most wisely - when I worry, I am robbing myself of the chance to happiness and then I would be merely existing, not even realising when the best moments of my life had passed me by...

Life is about living it to the fullest, exploring opportunities, taking up challenges and achieving growth in different areas of our lives. Even at my age now, I want to matter - not just to my family members, but also in tangible ways to leave my mark in society ...and truly, the latter is a formidable task, with all the challenges facing us today but try I must - although MORE wisely now, sizing up those who need help to see if they are genuine cases. Through all that, even though I am now more reserved and even more reclusive than before, I will not hesitate to reach out to help genuine and sincere friends, even strangers.

I truly want to live, and not to merely exist and to take up space on this planet. My life is no accident and there must be a central purpose or mission for me to fulfil while I am still alive ....And I want to live my life with purpose, passion and power!!! I am sure you do too!

*This post is dedicated to those who have taken the time to connect with me and to help me see myself better and to realize the need to improve in areas of weaknesses. Special thanks to my longsuffering spouse and boys, Angela, Linda, UP41, Joshua, Walla, YK, SK, Freddie, PL, Evelyn and Alan, my beloved cousins and other friends whom I know would rather not be named. God bless you and yours always.


For the record, I only reflected on the past few years because I have spent the past few days deleting my Facebook posts from June 2007 to June 2012. As I read my wall updates and reactions through the past few years, I realize how much I have changed and I am truly thankful even though at first I was miffed that I had been put on Timeline. I must admit I cringed in horror when I saw some of the emo stuff I used to post *gulps*. I don't do that any more. Phew! The rainbow will shine through after a storm.