masterwordsmith-unplugged

There is one book that I carry with me in my handbag wherever I go that is written by Alan and Barbara Pease - WHY MEN DON'T LISTEN AND WOMEN CANNOT READ MAPS. This wonderful book explores the profound communication differences between men and women to give us insight into why we each have a different reaction to the same thing. In very simple terms, they show (with the most hilarious illustrations) how the wiring in male and female brains is significantly different and affects how we perceive the world and each other.

Now, if I were to adopt that premise, I can safely confirm that women make many mistakes with men simply because women EXPECT men to be like them (and when men are like them, they get upset!!!), think like them (and when men do think like them, they still get upset!!) and of course to understand them, to know what they want or need without opening their mouths. We have to face it - Men and women are DIFFERENT! Period. And we can save ourselves a lot of heartache if we stop trying to change our spouse, trying to force our spouse/partner into the mould that we selected for them. There is freedom in expressing our own individuality, within boundaries of course. If we were to adopt this perspective, there would be less quarrels, misunderstandings and unnecessary conflicts.

Men are different from women. Women really need to accept this fact, and deal with it. When a woman sees a man, she unconsciously analyzes his style, body language, status and character that will tell her all kinds of things about him. But men just DON"T DO THAT!!

Generally, men are more visual and pay less attention to non-verbal communication cues like women. It is just not the same because often times, men lack emotional awareness and “intuition” which seem to abound in women!!! To exacerbate matters, women don't seem to realize this about men.

I have been hunted down by some girlfriends who keep recounting dates and what the date said or did and I have to give a verdict of whether the guy is or is not interested in her. Gosh! And when I have given my two cents worth, they replay the whole scenario and expect me to give my verdict again. A few days later, they ask me again and again!!!! I am not joking. After a few times, I tell them - please don't ask me again. I have already said my piece and if they still do not listen, I start the conversation by saying, "If you are going to ask me the same question which you have been asking me for the past two weeks, which I have already answered, then I cannot carry on a conversation with you." Stunned, they change the topic quickly. I am serious. I do not like to feed people's needy nature even though I used to be needy. Thankfully, I came to my senses and am not like that any more.

So do men feel sexually attracted to w0men based just on looks? Or is something else going on?It is obvious that men have their “attraction mechanisms” triggered by things OTHER than looks. Especially when it comes to longer term relationships. Looks just happen to be the most obvious way...

But looks are NOT the most powerful.

One must know how to use your body language AND communication correctly, to make men feel the same kind of powerful sexual attraction that YOU feel when you see that hot, great looking guy that you got to know. But it's not an accident. You have to LEARN how to do this. And ANY woman can learn how without behaving like a tart!

Personally, I believe that the greatest mistake women make with men is that they need men to validate their person hood or femininity and to make them complete. Far too many women are in a needy position - I have seen it so often in many women and how they can die without their boyfriend or when they are dumped etc. I know of cases where some took months to recover! So what if someone you are dating dumps you..it is better that it happened before marriage than when they are married. Each person regardless of their gender MUST find their person hood themselves, to be in touch with themselves without being in a needy situation where they feel that they can only move into self-actualization mode when someone of the opposite sex validates them in the way they want.

Thirdly, I believe that many women make mistakes with men because they give and give and give of themselves to men in terms of their time, emotions, phone calls, little gifts and often her body without asking for anything in return but secretly expecting dividends! Some even have the misconception that by giving more, she'll be more appreciated and loved. (Her friends adore her.) In fact, this sort of 'giving' is preventing her from getting what she wants most...a successful, intimate, romantic relationship.

Well, truth is, little boys may appreciate such levels of giving but a real man does not want a generous woman...no matter how much he says he does. Chances are, he will enjoy it for a while. Let's be honest with ourselves. Is there a man among us who doesn't enjoy free treats, especially if a woman were to throw herself at a man???? But he won't fall in love. I have seen how some women just give and give endlessly to a guy who takes and takes and has no qualms about just accepting it like a sponge and the woman may not even realize that when giving so much, by doing for him, performing for him, giving him ideas and advice, he doesn't love it. He resents it. He finds it disrespectful. And he does not respect her....cos he wants a woman to love and one who loves him - not one who behaves like a Madam Know-it-all-do-it-all. I have seen how men seem to shy away from capable women and zoom in for women who are in a lesser state than they are. Ultimately, he leaves. And then what happens? Ah - the woman blames the man when it is her own fault!!! I am being objective here.

Such women love to tell men what to do and they think they are doing men a favor. Tsk tsk tsk...Most men do not wake up in the morning and thank God for sending a woman to tell him what to do. Men cannot fall in love with women who give too much.

Men fall in love with women who love themselves first and know how to give back in appreciation.

Men need to be pro-active in a relationship to "feel good".

Women must "feel good" and satisfied in a relationship to "do good".

It becomes tricky when one is "doing good" for someone without "feeling good" about it - in other words, one is definitely giving too much. Of course, it is different if you are a man. At the same time, there are many "men" in women's bodies in that they want to dominate the men and feel emancipated but in this way, they suffocate men!!!

When we give equally to a man, we neutralize the chemistry.

When we give more, we block intimacy.

When we give less, mother him less, order him less, expect less and really appreciate what he offers, we fall in love and can embark on a satisfying relationship BUT that is rare and difficult because for so long, many of us have been conditioned (consciously or unconsciously) into expecting what counts in a relationship.

So the next time you want to give to a man you like...your date, your husband, your teenage son...

Ask yourself, "Am I giving too much?"

If the answer is "yes", then stop what you are doing (or saying) and wait for him to give you something. (It could be a compliment, a dinner invitation or a piece of advice, whatever...)

Then say, "thank you".

A book which helped me a lot in my road to recovery (sadly - I lent it to a girlfriend and she has not returned it yet and I feel too embarrassed to ask for it after a few reminders) is Robin Norwood's "WOMEN WHO LOVE TOO MUCH."

It can be uncomfortable to receive what a man has to offer. (Especially since it will never be how or what you would give.) (Ever.)

But it is important to acknowledge him and say "thanks", especially if he is divulging information about his past. Some could even dump the poor guy after he confesses his past to her even though he did not want to in the first place because he knew she would react that way but had no choice because she coerced or blackmailed him to do so and then judged and condemned him!

From my experience, when one stops giving too much and learn to appreciate and respect what a man can give...the rewards will be most satisfying.

Last but not least, many women spend loads of their time trying to change their partners to fit into their moulds and forget that when we love someone, we accept them for who they are, we love them in spite of...despite....I believe there is one way of making sure we are happy with our partner - just concentrate on being the right partner instead of searching the world for the right partner or trying to change our partner to be what we want them to be and in the process lose them and lose our sanity!

In closing, a good friend of mine told me that she saw a book in a book shop entitled, "ALL YOU EVER NEEDED TO KNOW TO UNDERSTAND WOMEN". She picked up the rather thick looking book and flipped through the pages. Empty. Page after page was empty until she reached the last page where the following sentence was printed in large bold font:

YOU CAN NEVER UNDERSTAND A WOMAN.

I tend to agree.

Being a woman, I dare say that women are generally complex, unpredictable and volatile creatures. The path to inner fulfilment is in understanding ourselves and being in touch with ourselves...then only can we avoid making mistakes with men or our friends and loved ones....

So ladies, let's live life to the fullest and avoid the pitfalls of a relationship and men, don't be too hard on us, ok? After all, we are as human as men...

Have a pleasant evening! Do leave a comment. I would love to hear your views. Thanks!

This post is a reprise of what I wrote and posted here in July 2009.