Witty Puns For Laughs

Posted by M ws On Saturday, February 28, 2015 0 comments

Due to the current economic crisis, Greece is cancelling all production of
humus and Taramasalata. It's a double dip recession.
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A dwarf goes to a very good but very busy doctor and asks "I know you are
busy but do you treat dwarves?"

The doctor replies "Yes, but you will have to be a little patient".
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Jonathan Ross has been accused of shoplifting a kitchen utensil from Tesco.
Ross says it was a whisk he was prepared to take.

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Paddy & Mick stagger out of the zoo with blood pouring from them..

"Bollocks to that" said Paddy "That's the last time I go dancing with the wolves"
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Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."
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Since the snow came, all the wife has done is look through the window.  If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.
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I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper.  To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.
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A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt ..
Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Rocher.......
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Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Year's Riots......
Your One Year Manufacturer's Warranty Runs Out Soon.
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In the first few days of the Olympics, eastern Europeans took gold, silver, bronze, copper & lead.
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Sailing results are in:  USA took gold, GB took silver and Somalia took a Middle aged couple from Weymouth .
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A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'
Granny replies, bugger the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!
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A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband: 'I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly, pay me a compliment.'  He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'
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An elderly couple are in church.  About halfway through the service, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart;
what do you think I should do?'

He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'


Thanks to Angela for sharing this post.


Pinch My Nixples??? *joke*

Posted by M ws On Tuesday, February 24, 2015 0 comments

Thanks to Angela for this joke which I am posting for laughs with no intention to offend anyone.

Hilarious! Remember this the next time you need to return something & they give you a hard time!

A woman went to the service counter and told the clerk she wanted a refund for the toaster she bought because it won't work. The clerk told her that he couldn't give her a refund because she bought it on 'special'.

Suddenly the woman threw her arms up in the air and started screaming,

 
'PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES!'

The befuddled clerk ran to get the store manager in front of a growing crowd of customers.  

The manager comes to the woman and asks, 'Ma'am, what's wrong?'
She explains the problem with the toaster, and he also tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on 'special'.

Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and screams,


'PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES,
PINCH MY NIPPLES!'

Which then draws an even bigger crowd!

In shock, the store manager pleads, 'Ma'am, why are you saying that?'

In a huff, the woman says,

'BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES PINCHED WHEN I'M BEING SCREWED !'

The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded!

Now stop laughing & forward this to your friends :-) whom you think may enjoy this joke :-).


Enjoy Poetry In Motion

Posted by M ws On Monday, February 23, 2015 0 comments

Good morning!

I hope many, if not all, have had a restful break and ready for the week ahead.

Here is something for everyone to enjoy.

CLICK HERE to watch.


The Significance of Chinese New Year Traditions

Posted by M ws On Tuesday, February 17, 2015 0 comments

New Year's Eve Dinner
The New Year's Eve dinner is the most important dinner for the Chinese. Normally, this is the family reunion dinner, especially for those with family members away from home. During the dinner, normally fish will be served. Dumplings are the most important dish in Northern China. These two dishes signify prosperity. Other dishes are dependent on personal preference. The majority of Chinese will have New Year's Eve dinner at home instead of a restaurant.

Fireworks
Fireworks are used to drive away the evil in China. Right after 12:00PM on New Year's Eve, fireworks will be launched to celebrate the coming of the New Year as well as to drive away the evil. It is believed that the person who launched the first firework of the New Year will obtain good luck.

Shou Sui
Shou Sui means "after the New Year's Eve dinner" as family members will normally stay awake during the night. Some people just stay up until the midnight after the fireworks. According to tales and legends, there was a mythical beast named the "Year". At the night of New Year's Eve, the "Year" will come out to harm people, animals, and proprieties. Later, people found that the "Year" is afraid of the color red, fire, and loud sounds. Therefore, at the New Year's Eve night, people will launch fireworks, light fires, and stay awake the whole night to fend off the "Year".

Red Packets
The Red packet is a red envelope with money in it, which ranges from one to a few thousand Chinese Yuan. Usually the red racket is given by adults, especially married couples, and elderly to young children in the New Year days. It was believed that the money in the red packet will suppress the evil from the children, keep them healthy, and give them a long life.

New Year Markets
In the course of the New Year's days, a temporary market will be setup to mainly selling New Year goods, such as clothing, fireworks, decorations, food, and small arts. The market is usually decorated with a large amount of lanterns.

Small Year
Small year is the 23th or 24th of the last month of the year. It is said that this is the day the food god will leave the family in order to go to heaven and report the activity of family to the Emperor of the heaven. People will follow religious ceremony to say farewell to the food god, including taking down and burning the paint of the food god. After the New Year's Day, people will buy new paint of the food god and display it in the kitchen.

CLICK HERE for more.

I take this opportunity to wish all my readers, subscribers and friends a very happy and prosperous Chinese New Year.



How Cayenne Pepper Can Stop Heart Attacks!

Posted by M ws On Sunday, February 15, 2015 0 comments

Did you know that you can actually stop a heart attack in its tracts with the simple but amazing and awesome power of cayenne pepper? It’s true. Cayenne pepper can actually stop a heart attack in about 60 seconds flat!

How To Use Cayenne Pepper To Stop A Heart Attack Fast!
Famed healers such as Dr. John Christopher, N.D., and Dr. Richard Schulze, N.D., sang the praises of Cayennepepper. For instance Dr. John Christopher declared: “In 35 years of practice, and working with the people and teaching, I have never on house calls lost one heart attack patient and the reason is, whenever I go in–if they are still breathing–I pour down them a cup of cayenne tea (a teaspoon of cayenne in a cup of hot water, and within minutesthey are up and around).”

It should be noted that these men, and many other healers like them, were speaking from personal experience and not speculation when referring to this powerful plant.

So what are the best practices in using Cayenne pepper based upon the voice and experiences of those that have actually used it?

First the Cayenne pepper must be at least 90,000 heat units or 90,000(H.U.) to be able to stop a heart attack. If the cayenne is at least 90,000 H.U. and the person is still conscious, the recommendation is to mix 1 teaspoon of cayenne powder in a glass of warm water (this is essentially a “cayenne tea”), and give it to the person to drink.

If the person is unconscious then the recommendation is to use a cayenne tincture or extract, again of at least 90,000 H.U., and put a couple of full droppers underneath their tongue full strength. As noted above by Dr. Christopher, in 35 years of practice he never lost even 1 heart attack case if the person was still breathing when he arrived, and he attributed this to the prudent use of the cayenne pepper.

Other Uses Of Cayenne
One of the most profitable uses of cayenne pepper is as a catalyst in other herbal combinations. As a general rule it should be added to almost all herbal combinations with the exception of those classified as nervines (combinations made specifically for nerve issues). Because it has a stimulating effect upon the body, it speeds the circulation thereby causing it to enhance digestion as well as absorption. Therefore it can enhance or increase the effectiveness of practically any herbal formula.
In fact it is often used this way in formulas for arthritis, various female complaints, infections, heart or circulatory issues, laxatives, diuretics, ulcers, thyroid issues etc.

*I am sharing this post to share information with good intentions and do not know if this is true as I have yet to be able to try it out as I have not been in this situation.

Thanks to Angela who shared this information via email.

Have a great day!



Tango With Me

Posted by M ws On Monday, February 9, 2015 0 comments

Too many people put off something that brings them joy just because they haven't thought about it, don't have it on their schedule, didn't know it was coming or are too rigid to depart from their routine.

I got to thinking one day about all those women on the Titanic who passed up dessert at dinner that fateful night in an effort to cut back.  From then on, I've tried to be a little more flexible.

How many women out there will eat at home because their husband didn't suggest going out to dinner until after something had been thawed? Does the word 'refrigeration' mean nothing to you?

How often have your kids dropped in to talk and sat in silence while you watched 'Jeopardy' on television?

I cannot count the times I called my sister and said, 'How about going to lunch in a half hour?' She would gas up and stammer, 'I can't. I have clothes on the line. My hair is dirty. I wish I had known yesterday, I had a late breakfast, It looks like rain.' And my personal favourite: 'It's Monday.' She died a few years ago. We never did have lunch together.

Because we cram so much into our lives, we tend to schedule our headaches. We live on a sparse diet of promises we make to ourselves when all the conditions are perfect!

We'll go back and visit the grandparents when we get Steve toilet-trained. We'll entertain when we replace the living-room carpet ... We'll go on a second honeymoon when we get two more kids out of college.

Life has a way of accelerating as we get older. The days get shorter, and the list of promises to ourselves gets longer. One morning, we awaken, and all we have to show for our lives is a litany of 'I'm going to,' 'I plan on,' and 'Someday, when things are settled down a bit.'

When anyone calls my 'seize the moment' friend, she is open to adventure and available for trips. She keeps an open mind on new ideas. Her enthusiasm for life is contagious. You talk with her for five minutes, and you're ready to trade your bad feet for a pair of Roller blades and skip an elevator for a bungee cord..

My lips have not touched ice cream in 10 years. I love ice cream. It's just that I might as well apply it directly to my stomach with a spatula and eliminate the digestive process The other day, I stopped the car and bought a triple-Decker. If my car had hit an iceberg on the way home, I would have died happy.

Now... go on and have a nice day. Do something you WANT to ...... not something on your SHOULD DO list. If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you could make, who would you call and what would you say? And why are you waiting?

Make sure you read this to the end; you will understand why I sent this to you.

Have you ever watched kids playing on a merry go round or listened to the rain lapping on the ground? Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight or gazed at the sun into the fading night? Do you run through each day on the fly? When you ask ' How are you?' Do you hear the reply?

When the day is done, do you lie in your bed with the next hundred chores running through your head? Ever told your child, 'We'll do it tomorrow.' And in your haste, not see his sorrow? Ever lost touch? Let a good friendship die? Just call to say 'Hi?

When you worry and hurry through your day, it is like an unopened gift .... Thrown away..... Life is not a race.  Take it slower. Hear the music before the song is over.

Show loved ones how much you care.


Thanks to Angela who shared this post.


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