NINETY-EIGHT YEAR OLD LADY'S LETTER TO LAWYER
11/21/2009 06:45:00 AM Lovingly unplugged by masterwordsmith
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Dear Sir,
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.
I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, re-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts,
assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.
As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:
1-- To make an appointment to see me.
2-- To query a missing payment.
3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7-- To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.)
8-- To return to the main menu and to listen again to options 1 through 8
9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.
Your Humble Client
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Addendum from The Editor:
IMPORTANT to REMEMBER that this letter was written by a lady who is 98 years old; DOESN'T SHE MAKE YOU PROUD!!!
And, one need not be conversant with the legal aspect to pen effective words too.
Three cheers for consumerism !!!
HEAD AND SHOULDERS ABOVE US ALL
11/19/2009 03:34:00 PM Lovingly unplugged by masterwordsmith
Dr Lim, a founding member of Singapore’s ruling PAP, was incarcerated for 19 years without trial from 1963 to 1982 on “suspicions” of being a “communist”. Singapore’s longest political prisoner is Mr Chia Thye Poh, who spent 32 years behind bars, longer than Nelson Mandela and Aung San Suu Syi.
When I first watched the following video, I was awestruck by this humble, gentle-looking elderly person - soft spoken and yet radiating a strength from his eyes and not by sheer force of personality. I had to turn up the volume of my speakers and at certain times was miffed by the sound of laughter that drowned the sincere voice of a giant called Dr. Lim.
The video was taken of Dr Lim during the book launch of the “Fajar Generation”, a book relating the history of the University Socialist Club and the politics of post-war Malaya and Singapore.
In the video, Dr Lim first described the ordeals he had been through as a political detainee, including being placed in solitary confinement in the most “hideous” prison in Singapore – the Central Police Station:
“That was a place not fit to keep animals let alone human beings. The place was so dark, so stinky and so ill-ventilated that you cannot stand inside for more than 24 hours but I was locked in there for 24 hours a day and the whole place was infested with bugs. I had a lot of bugs for company, no reading material and the light was so dim that I could hardly see the crease of my hand.”
On the basis of principles which he held dearly and not because of pride, Dr Lim did not relent to the demands of his captors to renounce politics and show “repentance”.
In the course of his career as an activist, he had tried to challenge and overturn the government’s decision to detain him on several occasions to no avail. When he was released from detention briefly due to a technical error, he was re-arrested a minute later by the Special Branch.
Upon his release in 1982, Dr Lim retired from politics altogether . Very few young Singaporeans have heard about him or his colleagues in the opposition Barisan Sosialist. I am sure many Malaysians have not heard of him either. I would encourage you to watch the following video not once, but many times, to hear for yourself, the horrible experiences that he went through.
And as you do, please remember the other ISA detainees in Malaysia, Singapore and other places that practise this archaic law that has outlived its original usefulness and then to step up our effort to lobby for this law to be abolished once and for all.
"You must say something to show repentance," the ISD officer told his captive, "otherwise Lee Kuan Yew will lose face." Dr Lim Hock Siew recounts his 20-year ordeal under the caprice of the PAP Government. The speech is peppered with humourous remarks, but Dr Lim's horrifying experience is anything but that. This is a video, courtesy of Mr Martyn See, that everyone in this world, must watch.
Dr. Lim, you have my deepest and utmost respect for the integrity, courage, conviction and commitment you have shown to your cause, beliefs and principles.
Did you know that Singapore Law Minister told an American audience a few weeks ago that the ISA is not abused in Singapore and there are “proper” procedures in place to safeguard the welfare and rights of the detainees?
He did not elaborate the “proper” procedures in place to safeguard the welfare and rights of the detainees”.
Dr. Lim paid the price for integrity = 20 years of his life. I have tears in my eyes as I type this. How many people would have been able to withstand the aftermath of paying such a heavy price of freedom for ideals and then to emerge from it all with a deep sense of peace and with an even stronger conviction? Innocent ISA detainees (past and present) all over the world must be remembered. People such as Dr. Lim, Said Zahari, Dr. Chia Thye Poh (the longest serving prisoner of Conscience in the World); Lim Chin Siong (deceased) and the many unsung heroes must not be forgotten. Their sacrifices must not be swept under the carpet of sanitized history. For the benefit of our children and their children and future generations…to come, this story and that of many ISA detainees must be told.
The cruelty must never be allowed to happen again.
Read Dr. Lim Hock Siew's 1972 press release OVER HERE.
A review of THE FAJAR GENERATION can be accessed AT THIS LINK.
Once you finish watching the video, please pass it on and leave a comment if you like. Perhaps by then, you will be both teary-eyed like me and inspired to fight for the abolishment of the ISA. Truly, Dr. Lim stands head and shoulders above us all!
Take care, dear reader and have a pleasant evening thinking about the message and legacy that Dr. Lim has left with us.
REALLY CRAZY JOKES FOR MORE LAUGHTER
11/19/2009 02:34:00 PM Lovingly unplugged by masterwordsmith
But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, ‘Spreadsheet, do your stuff.’ Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies …………Everyone agreed that was good.
But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said ‘Measure, do your stuff.’ Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk,, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass. Everyone agreed that was pretty good.
Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said,‘What can your cat do?'
The Government Employee called his cat and said…. ‘Coffee Break…..do your stuff.’ Coffee Break jumped to his feet………..
Ate the cookies……..
Drank the milk………….
Sh*t on the paper………………..
Screwed the other three cats……..
Claimed he injured his back while doing so………………
Filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions.
Put in for Workers Compensation……..and
Went home for the rest of the day on sick leave…………..!!!!!!!!!!
*This joke is specially for Cat-in-Sydney :-), my dear blogger friend from where else? Sydney! I think I posted it before but it is worth another read :-).
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The following joke is specially for Pug. (I have to be fair and show no partiality to dogs or cats.)
To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets
1. They live here. You don’t.
2. If you don’t want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That’s why they call it ‘fur’niture.)
3. To you, it’s an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn’t speak clearly.
Remember:
Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. Eat less
2. Don’t ask for money all the time
3 Are easier to train.
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don’t hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don’t smoke or drink
8. Don’t have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don’t want to wear your clothes
10. Don’t need a gazillion dollars for college, and…
11. If they get pregnant, you can sell their children.
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A blonde and her husband are lying in bed, not able to sleep because of the neighbors constantly barking dog. It has been in the backyard barking for hours and hours. The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, ‘I’ve had enough of this!’
She goes downstairs. The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says, ‘The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?’ The blonde says, ‘I put the dog in our backyard, let’s see how THEY like it.’
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Unforgettable nursery rhymes
Mary had a little p**,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of p*rk went up,
She shot the little bastard.
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Mary had a little lamb.
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two chunks of bread.
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Jack and Jill went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.
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Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie man,
“What have you got there?”
Said the pie man unto Simon,
“Pies, you dumb ass”
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Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings’ horses,
And all the kings’ men.
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again.
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Hey diddle, diddle, the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.
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Georgie Porgy pudding and pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too ’cause he was g**.
*No offense meant - just for humor.
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There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad……..
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.
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Sometime this year we taxpayers may receive an Economic Stimulus payment.
This is a very exciting new program, the explanation is via the Q and A format:
Q. What is an Economic Stimulus payment?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.
Q.. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is that you will use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn’t that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the Canadian economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:
* If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China .
* If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.
* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India .
* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico , China Honduras and Guatemala .
* If you buy a car, it will go to Japan or Korea .
* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .
* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.
Instead, keep the money in Canada by:
1 spending it at yard sales, or
2 going to ball games, or
3 spending it on prostitutes, or
4 beer or
5 tattoos
(These are the only Canadian businesses still operating in Canada )
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Have a nice day folks! Next post is still in the oven and will be coming up soon. Swing by again ok? Thanks!
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A young, good-looking cowboy walked into a drug store in Montana and asked
to speak to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and as she and her sister owned the store, there were no males employed there. She then asked if she could help him.
The cowpoke said that it was something that he would be much more
comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist. The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.
The cowboy reluctantly agreed and began by saying, ‘This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erec****. It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it.’
The pharmacist said, ‘Just a minute, I’ll talk to my sister.’ When she
returned, she said, We discussed it at length and the absolute best we can
do is as follows: 1/3 ownership in the store, a company pickup truck, and $3,000 a month living expenses!
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Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby” when babies wake up like every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?
Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They’re going to see you naked anyway.
If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?
Why is “bra” singular and “panties” plural?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, “I think I’ll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out!”
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being woul d eat?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
When your photo is taken for your driver’s license, why do they tell you to smile? If you are stopped by the police and asked for your license, are you going to be smiling?
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don’t point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs!
What do you call male ballerinas?
If Wyle E. Coyo te had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?
Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Why do they call it an asteroid when it’s outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it’s in your butt?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride; he sticks his head out the window?
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Yes, I know I am very crazy posting on a variety of subjects :-). No matter what, midday humor is a must to help us make it through the rest of the day!
Have a nice day, dear reader! Next post is still baking in the oven so do swing by again later.
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