Due to the current economic crisis, Greece is cancelling all production of
humus and Taramasalata. It's a double dip recession.
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A dwarf goes to a very good but very busy doctor and asks "I know you are
busy but do you treat dwarves?"
The doctor replies "Yes, but you will have to be a little patient".
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Jonathan Ross has been accused of shoplifting a kitchen utensil from Tesco.
Ross says it was a whisk he was prepared to take.
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Paddy & Mick stagger out of the zoo with blood pouring from them..
"Bollocks to that" said Paddy "That's the last time I go dancing with the wolves"
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Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."
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Since the snow came, all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.
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I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.
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A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt ..
Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Rocher.......
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Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Year's Riots......
Your One Year Manufacturer's Warranty Runs Out Soon.
----------------------------------------------------
In the first few days of the Olympics, eastern Europeans took gold, silver, bronze, copper & lead.
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Sailing results are in: USA took gold, GB took silver and Somalia took a Middle aged couple from Weymouth .
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A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'
Granny replies, bugger the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!
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A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband: 'I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly, pay me a compliment.' He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'
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An elderly couple are in church. About halfway through the service, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart;
what do you think I should do?'
He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'
Thanks to Angela for sharing this post.
I Renamed my iPod The Titanic, so when I plug it in, it says, “The
Titanic is syncing.”
With the Ark settled safely after the flood, Noah opens the doors and commands the animals, “Go forth and multiply!” All the animals depart the Ark, except for two snakes in the back. Noah proclaims again, “Go forth and multiply,” yet the snakes stay put. Perturbed, Noah finally asks them, “Why have you not followed my command?” The snakes flicker their tongues and answer, “We can’t multiply, Noah—we’re Adders.”
Q: Why don’t Calculus majors throw house parties?
A: Because you should never drink and derive.
Q: Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
A: He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?
There’s no menu—you get what you deserve.
The problem with math puns is that calculus jokes are all derivative, trigonometry jokes are too graphic, algebra jokes are usually formulaic, and arithmetic jokes are pretty basic. But I guess the occasional statistics joke is an outlier.
Q: Why are football stadiums so cool?
A: Because every seat has a fan in it!
·To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
·When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
·A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
·When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , U.C.L.A.
·The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
·The batteries were given out free of charge.
·A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
·A will is a dead giveaway.
·If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
·With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
·Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
·You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
·Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.
·A boiled egg is hard to beat.
·When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
·Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
·Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
·If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
·A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
·In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
·When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
·The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
·He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
·Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
·When she saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she'd dye.
·Acupuncture: a jab well done.
I posted the following list two years ago and am reposting again...completely forgot about it till Angela kindly sent it to me again recently....Have a lovely evening.
1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned
out to be an optical Aleutian .
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it
was a weapon of math disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for
littering.
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum
Blownapart.
8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are
looking into it.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway.
One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the
Grass.'
15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small
medium at large.
16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a
seasoned veteran.
17. A backward poet writes inverse.
18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your
count that votes.
19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine .
21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The
stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion
allowed per passenger.'
22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and
says 'Dam!'
23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in
the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't
have your kayak and heat it too.
24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The
other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root
canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope
that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
1. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
2. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was ticketed for littering.
3. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
4. The best way to stop a charging bull is to take away his credit card.
5. The eagles club formed an add hawk committee.
6. Biologists have recently produced immortal frogs by removing their vocal cords. They can't croak.
7. A toothless termite walked into a tavern and said, "Is the bar tender here?"
8. The best way to communicate with a fish is to drop them a line.
9. Pour hot water down a rabbit hole and you get a hot cross bunny.
10. Did you hear about the two seeing eye dogs that went on a blind date?
11. In the winter my dog wears his coat, but in the summer he wears his coat and pants.
12. It was raining cats and dogs. There were poodles all over the road.
13. What does a porcupine like to do when playing volleyball? Spike.
14. A cat ate some cheese and waited for a mouse with baited breath.
15. When my cat lost her three male kittens, I had to call missing purr sons.
16. The flock of doves decided to stage a coo.
17. Peacocks are meticulous because they show attention to de tail.
18. Horses in the movies only have Bit parts.
19. When a new hive is done bees have a house swarming party.
20. He bought a donkey because he thought he might get a kick out of it.
21. Two giraffes were in a race. They were neck and neck.
22. Are evil wildebeests bad gnus?
23. I phoned the zoo but the lion was busy.
24. His horse is missing a bit. I got it right from the horse's mouth.
25. When a cow gives birth she not only gives cream, she is de-calf-inated.
Pun of the Day - Funny Puns, Jokes, and one-liners
Great One Liners of the Month
Select month and year to display
1. I wrote a novel about a fellow who had a small garden. It didn't have much of a plot.
2. A relief map shows where the restrooms are.
3. When the head of the consulting team suggested that the canal around the castle be filled up with cement, he was demoted.
4. I finally got rid of that nasty electrical charge I've been carrying. I'm ex-static!
5. I didn't have the faintest idea as to why I passed out.
6. I was kicked out of math class for one too many infractions.
7. The weigh-in at the Sumo wrestling tournament was a large scale effort.
8. There was a sale at the fish market today. I went to see what was the catch.
9. The race dogs got a bad case of the fleas - they had to be scratched.
10. When asked whether or not I was bilingual, I was about to say I knew sign language, but I figured it was sort of a mute point.
11. The patient decided against an organ transplant. Instead, he changed his mind.
12. Short-order cooks in busy restaurants call themselves 'pressure cookers'.
13. My mate swallowed a cordless vacuum cleaner, they took him to hospital and he is picking up nicely.
14. I told my wife I thought the electrician had said he'd be over by noon, unless I got my wires crossed.
15. The bridegroom got to the church when he was supposed to. He was at the rite place at the rite time.
16. Making up puns about the finest soil is the loess form of humor.
17. To disparage the wind is disgusting.
18. Reading music makes me crotchety.
1. Twelve male sheep with beepers created a ram-page.
2. An ailing hamster revived after receiving mouse to mouse resuscitation.
3. A smelly ant was expelled from the colony because he was deodorant.
4. On the surface of things whales are always blowing it.
5. A zoo had a camel with no humps named 'Humphrey'.
6. A parrot that goes without breakfast is a polynomial.
7. Two attractive female birds were showing off in front of some males. Both had spent two hours at the hairdresser, but it was the curly bird that got the perm.
8. A cross between a puppy and a bunny is a rabid dog.
9. The bear went over the mountain to see what was bruin.
10. Pure-bred dogs are bona-fido.
11. Animals that tunnel in the soil have to have an escape root.
12. Herbivores come in browns and graze.
13. A horse is a very stable animal.
14. The duck said to the bartender, 'put it on my bill.'15. A cat that swallowed a ball of wool had mittens.
15. Insects that make honey are always on their best bee-hive-iour.
16. There were three horses on a ship including a sick bay.
17. The chicken went to the middle of the road. She was going to lay it on the line.
18. We found a dead crow in our front yard but have yet to hear the caws of death.
19. Rabbits breed by leaps and bounds.
20. After the horse ate all of his hay he had a baleful look about him.
21. One horse said to another: your pace is familiar but I don't remember the mane.
22. To purchase a cat, find a pet store with a fee line.
23. Hunting elephants is illegal as ivory well know.2
24. Its amazing how eagles catch their prey, they must be really talonted.
25. Two giraffes were in a race. They were neck and neck.
- Don't believe what you hear about fleas and ticks -- it's all lice.
- A job circumcising elephants isn't so bad. The base salary is small but the tips are big.
- If you hear it from the horse's mouth you're listening to a neigh sayer.
- What do you call a lion wearing a stylish hat? A dandy lion.
- A bird watcher had a mynah problem but with no egrets.
- Birds are grouchy in the morning because their bills are over dew.
- The marine biology seminars werent for entertainment, but were created for educational porpoises.
- A cat found a mysterious sweater, but the mystery was soon unravelled.
- Use conscience-stricken in a sentence: 'Never conscience-stricken before they're hatched.'
- Have you ever heard of an honest cheetah?
- If a cow is being fed properly but doesn't give milk there must be an udder reason.
- An elephant's opinion carries a lot of weight.
- A skunk fell in the river and stank to the bottom.
- It's OK to watch an elephant bathe as they usually have their trunks on.
- Several carniverous animals were eating the carcass but the king of beasts got the lion's share.
- If a horse could predict the weather, it would probably say that the weather is stable.
- Our cat sleeps on a down pillow. We've always had a soft spot for her.
- A goat that ate office supplies was on a staple diet.
- It's hard for a depressed turtle to get out of his shell.
- Scientists have created a flea from scratch.
- The farmer gave his chickens a bushel of feed, but they only took a peck.
- She thought it was a real horse, but it was a phony.
- Don't kiss birds or you may get an untweetable canarial disease.
- When a vulture flies, he takes carrion luggage.
- An angry bird landed on a door knob. Then flew off the handle.
- There was a snake that gave birth to a bouncing baby boa.
- Did you hear about the crab in financial difficulty? It was starting to feel the pinch.
- Cats are often the victims of fur-ball abuse.
- If you sight a whale, it could be a fluke.
- An eagle and a hawk had a difference of a pinion.
- One grasshopper told another about eating corn. It went in one ear and out the other.
- His job was to find a leopard as an on-the-spot reporter.
- The chicken crossed the playground to get to the other slide.
- Two foxes chasing four rabbits decided to split hares.
- Birds dont mind fowl weather in fact they usually find it just ducky.
- News: a monkey at the zoo backed into a fan. Details to follow.
- Sign at a deer crossing: The Buck Stops Here.
- A kitten born in the 10th month of the year is an Octo-puss.
- Lions always take great pride in their families.
I changed my i Pod name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned
veteran.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Than it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met
herbivore.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity . I can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she
couldn't control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!
Broken pencils are pointless.
I tried to catch some fog. I mist.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
Velcro - what a rip off!
Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
Venison for dinner? Oh deer!
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
Thanks to DPP aka Donplaypuks who sent me this post!:-)
The British Medical Association has weighed in on Prime Minister David Cameron's new health care proposals.
The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but the neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.
The Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception.
Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.
Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Paediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!"
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.
The Surgeons were fed up with the cuts and decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
The ENT specialists didn't swallow it, and just wouldnt hear of it. The Pharmacologists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter...."
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.
The Anaesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas, but the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the ar*eholes in London.
-Author Unknown-
Lexiphiles (lovers of words you know: i.e., you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish or I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me etc.)
The following is a list of lexiphiles that Linda sent me last week. Enjoy reading!
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , U.C.L.A.
The professor discovered that her theory of
earthquakes was on shaky ground.
The batteries were given out free of charge.
A will is a dead giveaway.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll
show you A-flat miner.
You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.
A boiled egg is hard to beat.
When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
Police were called to a day care where a
three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side
was cut off? He's all right now.
If you take a laptop computer for a run you could
jog your memory.
A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in
feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
When she saw her first strands of grey hair, she thought she'd dye.
Acupuncture: a jab well done.
-Author Unknown-
Take care and have a great day!
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it's two-tired.
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway)
A backward poet writes inverse.
In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down on a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat minor
'
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine? He's fully recovered.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart
You feel stuck to your debt if you can't budge it.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted. Taint yours and it taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large
Those who are too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Bakers trade bread secrets on a knead to know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Marathon runners with bad footwear will suffer the agony of defeet.
How do crazy people go through the forest? - They take the psycho path.
-Author Unknown-
How can you make holy water at home? - You boil the hell out of it.
What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall? - Dam!
What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? - Polaroids
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? - A stick.
What do you call cheese that isn't yours? - - Nacho cheese.
What do you call Santa's helpers? - Subordinate clauses.
What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand? - Quatro sinko.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? - Frostbite.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? - A nervous wreck.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? - Anyone can roast beef.
Where do you find a dog with no legs? - Right where you left him.
Why do gorillas have big nostrils? - Because they have big fingers.
Why don't blind people like to sky dive? - Because it scares the heck out of the dog.
What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? - Sanka.
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover? - The location of the dirt bag.
Why do a pilgrim's pants always fall down? - Because they wear their belt buckle on their hat.
What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver? - A bad golfer goes, whack, "darn." - A bad skydiver goes "darn," whack.
How do you catch a unique rabbit? - Unique up on it.
How do you catch a tame rabbit? - Tame way, unique up on it.
What do you call skydiving lawyers? - Skeet.
What goes clop, clop, clop, bang, bang, clop, clop, clop? - An Amish drive-by shooting.
-Author Unknown - a compilation from here and there-
Why aren't Electricians delighted or defused, Musicians denoted or detonated, Models deposed, Tree Surgeons debarked, Dry Cleaners depressed or decreased?
Why aren't Playwrights deactivated, Secretaries defiled, Tanners debated, Sleepers debunked, Hypocrites decanted, Con men deployed, Debt Collectors debilitated, Logicians deposited, Florists deflowered?
Or Bankers decapitated, Security Agents deciphered, Jockeys derided, Park Attendants deranged, Writers described, Kings desired, The Falsely Modest decoyed, Plumbers deducted, Geologists defaulted, or Magistrates defined?
And shouldn't Concreters be deformed, Examiners degraded, Butchers delivered, Statisticians demeaned, Dental Technicians debited, Surveyors declined, Priests demoralised, Photographers depicted, Estimators devalued...
Last of all, Why aren't more politicians devoted?
-Author Unknown-
