I have made a few good friends in my life journey on this planet so far. Though there were bad times, there were good ones, some that lasted for many years while some for only a few weeks or even days! I believe that friends are the ones who will follow us through life with whom we are likely to share most of our secrets and are likely to be with us through thick and thin.
Tonight, my family had dinner with a former student and his family (minus the dad and sis who were busy). I taught Jackson for ELEVEN years from the time he was a tiny chap in Year 3 back in 1996. From the first few months till now, his family has shown so much love to mine just as my family love him very much. Currently, he is an Economics undergrad in Taiwan and doing very well indeed!
In those days, Jackson would stay overnight at my place and play with my older boy and we even brought him along on a holiday. It has been a wonderful experience teaching him, watching him grow and I regard him as my own godson. Certainly, it will be my pleasure to attend his graduation in 2011. Throughout my association with him, he has shown me nothing but respect, love, cooperation and much compliance with regards to my expectations of him in his work and reading.
When I was expecting my younger boy, Mel-Mel (his mom) would bake wholemeal bread or chocolate chip bread for me and without fail, she would also send me soya bean milk and soya bean curd almost every week. I really believe that my younger boy has a wonderful complexion because of all the soya bean milk I enjoyed during that period.
She is such a wonderful, warm, loving mother and friend that I have truly learned so much from her parenting style (not forgetting Una and Linda of course!!!). I know I will never see another mother like her who is so positive, forgiving, understanding, tolerant and generous. For all the blessing this family has brought into my life and that of my family too, I just want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart. Thanks also for being a sincere and loving friend to me for almost 13 years of my life!!! God bless you all! Here's a pic of us at The Sire, my favorite museum restaurant.
Personally, I treasure friendship and believe one must make an effort to keep friendships strong unless the other party retreats for whatever reasons known to them. Yet, I do not think of them unkindly but instead, treasure the moments shared in the past and still keep a place in my heart for those individuals. If ties are renewed, good. If not, still I would remember them fondly and not think the worst of them. Whatever it is, it takes both parties to maintain a friendship so here are some suggestions taken from my personal experience and readings.
1: AFFINITY---CELEBRATE WHAT WE HOLD IN COMMON
What's the basis on which my friendships with others are formed? What's our common ground? If you took away the activity we share, would our relationship wither? Or do we have the potential of going much deeper, because we share common values or interests or because we just get along naturally?
2: ACCEPTANCE---RELATE ON AN "AS IS" BASIS
David W. Smith describes a plaque that defines friendship this way: “A friend is one who knows you as you are, understands where you've been, accepts who you've become, and still gently invites you to grow.”
But our natural inclination isn't to accept people. We tend to be quick to judge, criticize, and ostracize others. Like them, we want other people to conform to us, so we set up little tests to see whether they measure up. Nope. That is not the way.
Yet Proverbs says, “A friend loves at all times.That doesn't mean we condone our friends’ moral lapses or approve of their character flaws. Instead, it means we cherish people for who they are and extend them grace.
The truth is that we're better able to accept others if we stay in touch with our own mistakes, deficiencies, and blunders. It's easier to extend the hand of acceptance to a friend if we imagine our other hand simultaneously reaching out to receive acceptance and forgiveness.
When you're evaluating your relational life, ask yourself what attitude you bring into your friendships---critical and judgmental or accepting and gracious? Do we try to get other people to conform toour opinions, or do we celebrate the way they're different from us?
**Inevitably we're all judgmental people... Reminder to self - embrace peoples' differences!
3: AUTHENTICITY---FEEL SAFE ENOUGH TO BE REAL
Authenticity begins when one person in the relationship sends up a relational trial balloon by disclosing part of his real self and then cautiously watches to see how the other individual reacts.
If there's affirmation, encouragement, and personal disclosure from the other person, he's apt to continue down the path toward a deeper friendship. If not, he will retreat to safer but superficial grounds.
Going deep requires disclosure. Transparency should be appropriate, equal, and gradual, and it should come after trust and confidentiality have been established, but at some point it has to come, or the relationship will remain shallow and ultimately unfulfilled.
**Quantity DOES NOT equal Quality (of friendships)
4: ASSISTANCE---PUT OUR FRIENDS FIRST
Too many times people enter relationships with a solely selfish agenda. Someone once said that if Galileo were a baby boomer, he would have concluded that the sun revolves around himself---and unfortunately we all share that egocentric attitude to some degree. But when we enter into a friendship with the explicit goal of getting our own emotional and psychological needs met, we invariably end up disappointed.
Yet here's the irony: when our goal at the outset is to meet the other person's needs---to build up, serve, and support our friend---then we nearly always end up benefiting in the long run.
But does that mean we get any less disappointed when our OWN needs are not met by the other person?? Being "there" for friends can get tiring when they're NOT "there" for you. Its abit like taking and giving.. but humans are still humans. Endless giving can be straining as well.
5: AFFIRMATION---CHEER YOUR FRIEND
Another way to assist a friend is through affirmation. “People have a way of becoming what you encourage them to be,” said U. L. Moody, “not what you nag them to be.”The absence of affirmation can cut deep.
Whatever you do, never assume that your friend---or your spouse and children, for that matter---know how you feel about them. Everyone needs to be told from time to time. Get in touch with a dear friend today and touch base with him/her/them. Yes, it is possible to have a meaningful and mutually enriching friendship because it is up to us to make the effort to ensure that it lasts!
May God bless you, dear reader, with many real and sincere friends.
