masterwordsmith-unplugged

The following song "LISTEN" encapsulates the heart of the message in this excellent article that I wish to share with you today....Click and enjoy the video/music while you read it....Have a nice day!






THREE STEPS TO BECOMING A GOOD LISTENER

by Dr. Richard Nicastro

"You never listen to me...I've asked you a thousand times to let me know when you can't pick the kids up from daycare!"

In my work with couples, it is common to hear one person accuse the other of "not listening." This usually takes the following form:

1. You ask your partner to do something that is important to you;

2. For a period of time your partner follows-through on your request;

3. At some point your partner becomes less consistent in his/her follow-through;

4. Your partner's inconsistency increases until there is no trace that you've ever made a request;

5. Steps 1-4 are repeated and frustrations mount. A large percentage of marriage problems can be traced back to this pattern.


Relationship Problems: A lack of message adhesiveness

It's a simple fact: you (and your partner) have a limited ability to hold onto information—and our fast-paced, hectic, information-overload world just adds to the dilemma. What does this mean to your relationship? If you listen to thirty different things throughout the course of your day, you may only remember five of them a week later. Some information is more adhesive and more likely to stick in your memory, whereas other information will enter your mind one moment and seem to mysteriously vanish the next.

Because of this fact, your goal as the listener is to increase the adhesiveness of your partner's message so the information becomes a permanent entry in your mental Rolodex.

It is the responsibility of both the speaker and listener to increase the chances that communication brings about the desired outcome. So whether you are making a request or being asked to do something, there are steps you can take to increase the likelihood that your message will both hit the mark and remain in place.

Relationship Help: 3 ways for you (as the listener) to increase message adhesiveness

1. Ask for clarification about a request

Asking for clarification serves several important purposes: It helps you get a better sense of what the speaker needs and at the same time it sends the message that you are interested and want to understand what your partner has to say.

This will make your partner feel that you are fully engaged in the dialogue.

2. Translate the message/request into concrete action steps

As the listener, you need to take the words being directed at you and use them to shape your behavior in a new way. When your partner needs something from you (whether it is to "communicate more"; "listen better"; "be more responsible"), in essence you are being asked to do something different: to either add a new behavior that is absent or stop a behavior that is unwelcome…or both.

So each message you hear should lead you to think about the specific behavior change you need to make in order to fulfill your partner's request.

3. Rehearse and build on your partner's message

As the listener, one of your jobs is to make sure the request gets stored on your mental hard-drive and that you have permanent and easy access to the information. You don't want to continuously fail in the all-important department of reliable follow-through because it keeps slipping your mind. The "I forgot" excuse gets old fast.

One way to increase your follow-through is to rehearse the essential part of your partner's message. All rehearsal involves repetition. You repeat the message (either to yourself or out loud) over and over again until it becomes more adhesive. This is how people prepare for interviews; how actors memorize movie scripts; how teachers learn the lesson plans they teach; how students learn new information.

Another way to bolster message adhesiveness is to write down what you need to remember. There are two ways this is helpful:

a. You can write reminders to yourself as a memory aide;
b. You can rehearse the message by repeatedly writing it.

Messages are more likely to be remembered when they are personalized—you do this by building and expanding on your partner's message.

For instance, if you agree to work on becoming a "better listener," you can tell yourself: "I want to be the best spouse I can, so I will work on being more attentive while listening" or "When I really listen to my partner, s/he feels understood and cared for, so it's a win-win for us both. I will make it a top priority."

Notice how in each of these examples, rather than simply repeat what your partner needs from you, you expand on the message in a way that makes your follow-through more personal and meaningful—after all, don't you want to be the best spouse/partner you can possibly be?

And don't you want to create win-win situations?

Author's Bio
Richard Nicastro, Ph.D. is a psychologist and relationship coach with fifteen years experience helping individuals and couples live more fulfilling lives.

by Dr. Richard Nicastro

When it comes to love, men often get a bad rap.

"You only hear about the guys who are abusive or cheat, but how about the tons of men who are faithful and kind?" ~John

"I've been married for over twenty years. I know I'm not perfect, but I can honestly say that I do my best to be a good husband…I care about what my wife thinks of me as a husband and father." ~Hale

"It scares me to admit this, but I'd be totally lost without my wife. She's my best friend and she tells me that I'm hers. Making her happy is everything to me..." ~Luis

These are some of the messages several men shared with me while discussing their thoughts about intimacy, their partners and spouses. Before long, a theme arose: What especially bothered these men were the rampant myths about men and love.

Men and Intimacy:

Myth 1: Men do not value emotional connection.

Myth 2: Men do not care about their partners'/spouses' feelings.

Myth 3: Men only want sex (rather than emotional connection).

Myth 4: Men are controlling and tell women what to do (and therefore prefer passive women).

Myth 5: Men would rather spend time with their guy friends than their wives/girlfriends.

Let's take a closer look at the first myth, the one that claims that men do not value emotional closeness. This myth arises out of the difficulty some men have with emotions: in particular, talking about and sharing their feelings. This reality is rooted in the way in which many men are socialized. Emotional self-expression is not considered an important and useful trait for many men.

Of particular importance is the way in which fathers (and other male mentors) act as role-models for their sons. While many fathers are becoming more comfortable with their sons' emotional lives, some fathers continue to hold the expectation that once their male child hits a certain age, this emotionality will give way to stoic control.


Why are feelings difficult for men?

Feelings of vulnerability (tenderness, sadness, fear, feeling "less than," embarrassment and shame) conflict with the ideal of masculinity—central to this ideal is the trait of masculine strength. Men value power and in the arena of love, power and strength equate to being able to take care of your loved ones. As the requirements of relationships change and men are asked to be more emotionally available, the guiding questions for many men are:

How can masculinity and vulnerability exist side by side?

How can I be tender while still seen as strong?

Unfortunately, the mentality that emotional vulnerability equals weakness is alive and well in many cultures and held by too many men. This deep-seated attitude is often triggered in relationships that require and demand greater intimacy. Faced with the challenges of intimacy, men may shut down and withdraw, rather than allow themselves to feel confused and emotionally impotent.

But men still value connection!

Difficulty sharing emotions does not necessarily mean that emotional connection isn't important to men. Think of it this way: You can deeply enjoy music and yet not know how to play an instrument. How men go about creating connection has less to do with emotional sharing and more to do with actions that validate their masculine identity--providing for their loved ones, tangential giving that leads to concrete results.

As Roger recently said:

"My wife didn't like the color of our bedroom and when she was out with her sister, I painted the entire room her favorite color. I couldn't wait to see her reaction. When she got home she gave me this big hug and I felt like a million bucks…"

In other words, Roger felt emotionally connected to his wife. He experienced intimacy through doing for his wife, rather than emotional expression.

The important point to remember is that "myth" does not equate to "fact." No matter how ingrained a preconceived notion might be in a society, we are all free-thinking individuals who can choose to look beneath the surface and appreciate our partners for what they have to offer and the unique way in which they try to offer it...regardless of what prevailing assumptions about gender might tell us.

Author's Bio
Richard Nicastro, Ph.D. is a relationship and intimacy coach with over fifteen years experience helping individuals and couples live more fulfilling lives. Dr. Nicastro's relationship advice has appeared on television, radio and in national magazines.
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YAY! Streamyx internet connection is now back to normal. WHAT A RELIEF!!! For almost I week, I felt as though the world had come to a standstill when waiting for pages of my favorite websites to load. So today, I have had a veritable feast reading and reading to my heart's delight - after days of withdrawal symptoms!

From one of my favorite magazines, here's a MUST-READ from The New Yorker:

The Voting Rights Act, which passed in 1965, stands as one of the great monuments to civil rights in American history. The Fifteenth Amendment, ratified in 1870, purported to give Americans the right to vote regardless of “race, color, or previous condition of servitude,” but it was not until a century later, with the passage of the act, that the right was enforced, and Southern blacks were finally free to cast a ballot. Over the years, an ideologically diverse group of Supreme Court Justices has reviewed and approved the constitutionality of the act many times. But, in a case to be argued before the Court this spring, the current conservative majority has a chance to undo this signal achievement of American democracy. For more, click here.

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Having been in the education industry for more than 21 years, I am increasingly concerned about how many Malaysian parents, particularly those from Penang, are overemphasizing tuition classes for primary school children to the extent that kids are being robbed of their childhood and opportunities to play! Even if they are allowed to play, most resort to PSP or Play Station games etc. that numb their minds and stunt their creative thinking skills. Thus, I was pleasantly surprised to read this article in the Scientific American this morning on "The Serious Need for Play" :

On August 1, 1966, the day psychiatrist Stuart Brown started his assistant professorship at the Baylor College of Medicine in Houston, 25-year-old Charles Whitman climbed to the top of the University of Texas Tower on the Austin campus and shot 46 people. Whitman, an engineering student and a former U.S. Marine sharpshooter, was the last person anyone expected to go on a killing spree. After Brown was assigned as the state’s consulting psychiatrist to investigate the incident and later, when he interviewed 26 convicted Texas murderers for a small pilot study, he discovered that most of the killers, including Whitman, shared two things in common: they were from abusive families, and they never played as kids.

Brown did not know which factor was more important. But in the 42 years since, he has interviewed some 6,000 people about their childhoods, and his data suggest that a lack of opportunities for unstructured, imaginative play can keep children from growing into happy, well-adjusted adults. “Free play,” as scientists call it, is critical for becoming socially adept, coping with stress and building cognitive skills such as problem solving. Research into animal behavior confirms play’s benefits and establishes its evolutionary importance: ultimately, play may provide animals (including humans) with skills that will help them survive and reproduce.

Most psychologists agree that play affords benefits that last through adulthood, but they do not always agree on the extent to which a lack of play harms kids—particularly because, in the past, few children grew up without ample frolicking time. But today free play may be losing its standing as a staple of youth. According to a paper published in 2005 in the Archives of Pediatrics & Adolescent Medicine, children’s free-play time dropped by a quarter between 1981 and 1997. Concerned about getting their kids into the right colleges, parents are sacrificing playtime for more structured activities. As early as preschool, youngsters’ after-school hours are now being filled with music lessons and sports—reducing time for the type of imaginative and rambunctious cavorting that fosters creativity and cooperation.

PLEASE READ THIS EXCELLENT ARTICLE BY CLICKING ON THIS LINK. TQ.

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When I was in the Bay Area in the 1990's, I used to enjoy my hot cuppa coffee while reading the San Francisco Chronicle and even read it while on the treadmill or bike when I hit the gym with my cousin. I felt pretty sad when I read the following from Reuters:

NEW YORK/SAN FRANCISCO (Reuters) - San Francisco may lose its main newspaper, the San Francisco Chronicle, as owner Hearst Corp cuts a "significant" number of jobs and decides whether to shut or sell the money-losing daily.

The privately held New York-based publisher already is considering shutting a second West Coast paper, the Seattle Post-Intelligencer, in the face of a devastating decline in advertising revenue and big losses.

Founded shortly after Gold Rush fever hit California in the mid-19th century, the Chronicle has long been an essential part of daily life for many Bay Area residents, even as it sometimes disappointed or outraged them.

But the Chronicle lost more than $50 million last year and this year's losses to date are worse, Hearst said on its website on Tuesday. It said the paper has lost "major" amounts of money since 2001, a year after Hearst bought the paper. For more, click here.

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In another report by STEPHANIE ROSENBLOOM :

On Tuesday, some of the biggest names in American retailing reported steep profit declines. However, chains like Home Depot and Macy’s beat analysts’ expectations and sent their share prices higher — largely because they are making the radical changes necessary to stay alive and grab market share.

Home Depot, for instance, is taking painful steps to make itself leaner, like shutting peripheral businesses including its Expo Design Centers. Frank Blake, chief executive of Home Depot, said on Tuesday: “We have become a simpler company, which is a good thing.”

But while trimming the fat, retailers must also beef up the things that matter to customers. So even though Home Depot reduced inventory levels by $1 billion, its in-stock levels are at an all-time high — meaning that when customers come in looking for a nail gun or a roll of duct tape, they are likely to find it.

Along the same lines, while Home Depot is reducing costs by cutting 7,000 jobs, or 2 percent of its workers, it is not eliminating merit pay increases and bonuses for its top sales staff. This month, the University of Michigan’s American Customer Satisfaction Index showed that Home Depot had the best customer service improvement of any specialty retailer. For more, click here.

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And here's some dismal news...

CATHERINE RAMPELL and JACK HEALY reported in The New York Times today:

The Federal Reserve chairman, Ben S. Bernanke, offered a sober assessment of the national economy and the prospects of recovery to Congress on Tuesday, as reports of plunging housing prices and consumer confidence reinforced the grim outlook.

Mr. Bernanke told the Senate banking committee that the Federal Reserve was doing everything it could to unlock credit markets and encourage lending and borrowing. Still, a full recovery is potentially at least a year away, he said, and that is if all goes according to plan.

“If actions taken by the administration, the Congress and the Federal Reserve are successful in restoring some measure of financial stability — and only if that is the case, in my view — there is a reasonable prospect that the current recession will end in 2009 and that 2010 will be a year of recovery,” Mr. Bernanke said.

Though he lingered over the seriousness of the financial crisis enveloping the country, the Fed chairman buoyed investors by stating his resistance to any nationalization of the big banks. The prospect of the government taking up to a 40 percent stake in Citigroup in return for more assistance has pushed the idea to the fore. For more, click here.



Have a nice day everyone...enjoy surfing!

by Betsy Sansby

Research shows that when marriages fail, it's not fighting that tears couples apart.

It's loneliness within the marriage.

It's the feeling that the person who once understood you from across the room no longer has a clue about who you are or what makes you tick.

And what's worse, they either haven't noticed, or they no longer seem to care.

Betsy Sansby, a "marriage-friendly" marriage and family therapist from Minnesota, was determined to help couples on the brink stop drifting and find their way back to each other.

"I used to think that if I could just get couples to stop blaming each other and start seeing how their own obnoxious behaviors were hurting their relationships, their relationships would improve."

So she created three homework tools to help her couples do this: The Stop Strategy, The OuchKit, and The Art of Conversation. And their relationships did improve. "All the couples who consistently used the tools got better at stopping arguments, calming themselves down, recognizing what was beneath their anger, and expressing their feelings with less defensiveness and blame."

But something was still missing. As one woman put it: "We're nicer to each other, but I still don't feel close."

Her husband's response was: "What more do you want? I go to counseling. I do what you ask. It's never enough! I don't think you'll ever appreciate me."

Suddenly, after hearing this refrain from enough couples, a light bulb went on for Sansby. "The absence of fighting is not the same as the presence of real appreciation."

"What I realized," said Sansby, "was that women think they're being specific in their requests when they're really not. And men think they understand what women want when they really don't."

So while couples were no longer fighting bitterly, they still weren't meeting each other's intimacy needs.

A woman can tell a girlfriend, "All I want is a little compassion!" and her friend instantly understands what she means.

But her husband doesn't.

He needs more information. He's not an idiot. He just doesn't speak "Woman."

Love Bites works because it helps women meet their needs for

* closeness,

* connection, and

* appreciation

* by teaching them how express those needs in language a man can understand.

It helps men meet their needs for

* closeness,

* connection, and

* appreciation

* by teaching them first to identify what those needs are, and then

*express them in language a woman can understand.

The beauty of Sansby's tools is that the lessons they teach are built into the tools themselves. No manual is necessary. As another therapist puts it: "Love Bites sneaks up on you. It looks and feels like a game, but the lessons it teaches about giving and receiving are profound."

Author's Bio
Love Bites is available for $19.95 at: TalkAboutRelationships.net, where you can also purchase The OuchKit, and download other free tools for couples. You'll also find Ask Betsy a popular relationship advice column where you can post questions of your own. For discounts on quantity orders or distribution requests, call 800-898-8036.