by George Harris
Communication is one of the most important aspects of our lives that, ironically, many of us pay the least attention to. Regretfully, the main reason is that many of us have never been taught how to communicate in a way that benefits us and the person we are communicating with.
From the moment we wake up in the morning until we go to bed, we are communicating, first with family, then with coworkers, neighbors, friends, and so on.
We communicate either verbally, through our spoken words, or nonverbally, through eye contact, body language, and touch as well as through our thoughts, feelings, and passions. It has been estimated that only about 20 percent of our communication is verbal, and the rest is nonverbal. It is important, then, to pay attention to all the nonverbal clues we express to people as they speak more than the words we say.
For example, most people can remember when they were children and “the look” their parents gave them that expressed much more than words would.
Imagine if our communication with our spouses was clearer so that we knew how to express our feelings and ask for what we wanted—and we were heard. What if we, as parents, communicated from a place of personal power inside ourselves, expecting our children to listen and cooperate without having to yell?
Through verbal and nonverbal communication we let people know who we are, what we want, and how we feel. Therefore communication is one of the necessary building blocks for creating a solid and successful family environment.
Here are four steps that will enhance communication with your family.
1. Expressing Our Wants and Feelings
We all have wants and feelings. Once upon a time, in our youth, it was all right for us to want, and more so, it was even necessary for us to want. But many of us had parents who told us no, we could not join the big kids in the street, we could not ask for money or play with a certain thing, and that we asked too many questions. So “no, you don’t want that” became the mantra of our lives.
How many times did we hear statements such as these: “don’t argue with me”; “if you want to cry, I’ll give you something to cry about”; and so many others that taught us to stuff our feelings and shut up. No wonder we have a hard time expressing ourselves.
This transfers into our adulthood to our spouses and children. When we do not get what we want, we tend to blame and attack others, causing upset and a belief that relationships are hard. In order to improve our ability to communicate and therefore improve our relationship with our family, we need to understand and release any emotions like anger and resentment and the belief that we are going to upset someone by stating our wants. It is when we release these that we can express our current wants and feelings, and we can then hear the wants and feelings of our spouses and children.
2. Making Others Right
Any time we make negative comments to people about something they are doing or about a feeling or thought they have, we are making them wrong for who they are. This is called projection: the tendency to unconsciously place onto others our own undesirable ideas and impulses.
How can you tell if you are projecting? The easiest way to know is if you are judging. How many times do you judge your spouse or your children for actions they take or feelings they have? No one wants to be ignored, accused, or made wrong. Think of someone right now that you have done this to. What was his or her reaction?
When we project, we think they are undeserving of our love or caring. Truly, the place to start letting go of judgments is within ourselves. The more we release our own judgments about ourselves, the less we project them onto our family members. We can then make them right and see them as important, having value, and being okay for who they are because we have seen that about ourselves.
3. Listening
What does listening have to do with communication? Why is listening so important? Listening allows us to get information, to learn about someone, and to understand another’s feelings.
Research has shown that people are listening only 25 percent of the time and that they make up the rest of what they think they hear. Therefore the nonlistener does not learn what there is to know, and the relationship becomes a classic lose-lose situation.
There are many reasons why we do not hear what other people are saying. Some of them include talking too much, being too consumed with our own opinions, thinking we know a lot more about something than the person talking and planning our remarks and actions before the other person finishes.
A good listener gives his or her undivided attention, asks questions without interrupting, does not judge until comprehension is complete, sees things from all points of view, and, especially, exercises the mind.
4. Having Agreements Instead of Expectations
Since we have not learned positive ways to communicate due to holding back our feelings and not asking for what we want, we end up having expectations of others. We feel as if they can read our minds and know what we want without having to express it.
Expectation is defined as “a prospect of future benefit.” Because of this desire for a future benefit, we habitually deprive or withhold something desirable from ourselves for some outward goal or the love of someone in our lives. This is referred to as Sacrifice. For example, you think, “I will do this certain thing for my spouse, and when I do, she or he will love me more for it.” Another example is thinking “I will pick up my child’s toys, and he or she will learn from that and then pick up his or her own toys.”
We also have expectations of ourselves based on what we think others want of us, and they become shoulds; examples are “I should be a better parent” or “I should be happy around my spouse all the time.”
Because of fears we carry within ourselves about relationships and asking for what we want, we hold these expectations as a desire or a hope, wanting them to come true. We then sacrifice ourselves with these expectations, depriving ourselves of our wants. We become angry and disappointed when they do not come true and then feel guilty for having expressed the anger. In reality, we are angry with ourselves for not speaking up and asking for we want and need.
To resolve this, we need to observe when we run our lives by shoulds or expectations and instead then communicate to others our desires and make agreements with each family member. Successful family relationships depend on how well we communicate. By using these tools, you will learn how to listen and communicate with each other. You will empower yourself and your family members. And you will create more joy, love, and peace in the family household.
An old man and his dog were walking along a country road, enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to the man that he had died. He remembered dying, and realized, too, that the dog had been dead for many years. He wondered where the road would lead them, and continued onward.
After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall, white arch that gleamed in the sunlight. When he was standing before it, he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother of pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He was pleased that he had finally arrived at heaven, and the man and his dog walked toward the gate. As he got closer, he saw someone sitting at a beautifully carved desk off to one side.
When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, but is this heaven?"
"Yes, it is, sir," the man answered.
"Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked.
"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up." The gatekeeper gestured to his rear, and the huge gate began to open.
"I assume my friend can come in..." the man said, gesturing toward his dog.
But the reply was, "I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets."
The man thought about it, then thanked the gatekeeper, turned back toward the road, and continued in the direction he had been going. After another long walk, he reached the top of another long hill, and he came to a dirt road which led through a farm gate. There was no fence, and it looked as if the gate had never been closed, as grass had grown up around it. As he approached the gate, he saw a man just inside, sitting in the shade of a tree in a rickety old chair, reading a book. "Excuse me!" he called to the reader. "Do you have any water?"
"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there," the man said, pointing to a place that couldn't be seen from outside the gate. "Come on in and make yourself at home."
"How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to the dog.
"He's welcome too, and there's a bowl by the pump," he said. They walked through the gate and, sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a dipper hanging on it and a bowl next to it on the ground. The man filled the bowl for his dog, and then took a long drink himself.
When both were satisfied, he and the dog walked back toward the man, who was sitting under the tree waiting for them, and asked, "What do you call this place?" the traveler asked.
"This is heaven," was the answer.
"Well, that's confusing," the traveler said. "It certainly doesn't look like heaven, and there's another man down the road who said that place was heaven."
"Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates?
"Yes, it was beautiful."
"Nope. That's hell."
"Doesn't it offend you for them to use the name of heaven like that?"
"No. I can see how you might think so, but it actually saves us a lot of time. They screen out the people who are willing to leave their best friends behind."
Have you ever noticed how dependent we are on others?
If you're good at something, chances are, other people helped you along the way. A musician is usually trained by another musician. An athlete achieves excellence because she trains hard and is well coached. A wise man became that way because of books, schools and centuries of accumulated wisdom to draw upon. No matter your field, you are probably good largely because of the work and help of others!
Author William A. Cohen in his book THE ART OF THE LEADER (Prentice Hall, 1990), tells about a man whom most people will recognize. His name is Napoleon Hill.
Hill was a young newsman around the turn of the last century. He interviewed steel magnate Andrew Carnegie. Carnegie was then one of the wealthiest men alive. He convinced Hill to devote twenty years of his life to a study of what made people successful. Carnegie helped Hill by giving him introductions to the mightiest, wealthiest, and best-known men of his day. These included Henry Ford, Theodore Roosevelt, Charles Schwab, George Eastman, John D. Rockefeller, Thomas Edison and others. (Personally, I wish the list contained the names of women, too, but this was a hundred years ago.)
The young Napoleon Hill discovered an amazing fact from his research. None of these successful individuals became successful strictly by themselves or by virtue of what they could do by themselves. Every single one of the successful individuals that Napoleon Hill interviewed excelled in their fields through the help of others. Talented as these people may have been, they needed the expertise, leadership and talents of other people in order to move to new levels.
The lesson we learn is this: We need other people - especially if we are to improve. If you want to excel, if you are ready to move to the next level professionally, economically, or in any other way, there are those with the skills and the desire to assist. You'll never do and be what you are capable of doing and being until you turn to the right people to aid your success. There are those better than you in the areas you want to improve. Find them...and use them.
A German proverb states, "When one helps another, both are strong." Conversely, when two go it alone, both are weaker. It may be time to reach out...and move ahead.
________
Steve Goodier's books & newsletter: http://LifeSupportSystem.com.
Mother
This is a truly BEAUTIFUL piece.
Please read this at a slow pace,
digesting every word and in leisure....
Do not hurry....this is a treasure...
For those lucky to still be blessed with your Mom,
this is beautiful.
For those of us who aren't,
this is even more beautiful.
you'll love this.
The young mother set her foot
on the path of life.
'Is this the long way?' she asked.
And the guide said: 'Yes,
and the way is hard
And you will be old before
you reach the end of it..
But the end will be better
than the beginning.'
But the young mother was happy,
and she would not believe
that anything could be better
than these years.
So she played with her children,
and gathered flowers for them along the way,
and bathed them in the clear streams;
and the sun shone on them,
and the young Mother cried,
'Nothing will ever be lovelier than this.'
Then the night came,
and the storm, and the path was dark,
and the children shook with fear and cold,
and the mother drew them close
and covered them with her mantle,
and the children said,
'Mother, we are not afraid,
for you are near, and no harm can come.'
And the morning came,
and there was a hill ahead,
and the children climbed and grew weary,
and the mother was weary.
But at all times she said to the children,
'A little patience and we are there.'
So the children climbed,
and when they reached the top they said,
'Mother, we would not have done it without you.'
And the mother, when she lay down at night
looked up at the stars and said,
'This is a better day than the last,
for my children have learned fortitude
in the face of hardness.
Yesterday I gave them courage.
Today, I've given them strength.'
And the next day came strange clouds
which darkened the earth,
clouds of war and hate and evil,
and the children groped and stumbled,
and the mother said: '
Look up. Lift your eyes to the light.'
And the children looked and saw
above the clouds an everlasting glory,
and it guided them beyond the darkness.
And that night the Mother said,
'This is the=2 0best day of all,
for I have shown my children God.'
And the days went on,
and the weeks and the months and the years,
and the mother grew old
and she was little and bent.
B
and walked with courage.
And when the way was rough,
they lifted her, for she was as light as a feather;
and at last they came to a hill,
and beyond they could see a shining road
and golden gates flung wide.
And mother said,
'I have reached the end of my journey.
And now I know the end
is better than the beginning,
for my children can walk alone,
and their children after them.'
And the children said,
'You will always walk with us, Mother,
even when you have gone through the gates.'
And they stood and watched her
as she went on alone,
and the gates closed after her.
And they said:
'We cannot see her but she is with us still.
A Mother like ours is more than a memory.
She is a living presence.......'
Your Mother is always with you....
She's the whisper of the leaves
as you walk down the street;
she's the smell of bleach
in your freshly laundered socks;
she's the cool hand on your brow
when you're not well.
Your Mot her lives inside your laughter.
And she's crystallized in every tear drop.
She's the place you came from,
your first home;
and she's the map you follow
with every step you take.
She's your first love and your first heartbreak,
and nothing on earth can separate you.
Not time, not space... not even death!
PASS THIS ON TO ALL THE MOTHERS & CHILDREN YOU KNOW. MAY WE NEVER TAKE OUR MOTHERS FOR GRANTED...
Pass it on to the men too because they have mothers too
May Your Day Be Blessed My Friends
