Poor Box
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.' The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'
The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'
The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again.
For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.
He paused for a moment and then started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'
The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'
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Lemon Squeeze
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'
The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad, passionate love to me seven times..'
The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'
The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'
The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'
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Catholic Dog
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'
Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'
Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'
Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
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Donation
Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
'It is!'
'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'
'I can!'
'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
'I do!'
'Is he a member of your congregation?'
'He is!'
'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'
'He will.'
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Confession
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old ..... I'm telling everybody!'
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HAVE A NICE DAY!!!!
Could it be possible that we were lied to about love? I think so. I think we have been taught a big lie about Love. To understand the origin of the lie, we need to go back to a time, not too long ago, in a place, not so very far away. That is the time you were a small child.
In that time not too long ago, you were domesticated. You were taught what was good and what was bad, what was right, and what was wrong. Your parents and caregivers were invested in a reality they had been taught, with all of its beliefs and agreements. They believed their reality was the truth, and it was very important to teach it to you. Of course, it was a totally arbitrary reality based on what they had been taught, and had nothing to do with any actual "Reality." They didn't know that-- the Toltec wisdom says they were "dreaming." (For more about how we dream reality, look for the link to "The Perfect Dream" in the Notebook on www.Joydancer.com, or subscribe to my newsletter and I will send it to you).
So your caregivers taught you their version of good and bad. In order to do that, they needed you to be afraid of the consequences of not believing them. It was called "behaving," but it was more about you believing the reality of their dream, and agreeing to deny yours. They told you they were the source of approval, acceptance, safety, and love in your life. We all learned from our caregivers that in order to receive our share of this very vital commodity we had to behave according to their demands.
What we learned in childhood is ubiquitous throughout our entire culture, and taught to each crop of new humans: "Love is a commodity that lives outside of you, and you must be good, do it right, behave, and perform properly, in order to receive your share."
That is the lie of love.
When your domestication began, the first thing "they" had to do was create fear in you, so you would be and do and feel and behave as they required. The fear they taught you was the fear of punishment, the fear of rejection, the fear of not getting the commodity of love and acceptance. They convinced you to forget yourself as love. You had no choice but to agree.
They taught you the lie of love.
I am here to remind you of the truth: You are Love, you are Life itself. You are an individual unique manifestation of the Divine Oneness. You are creation's gift of love to this universe. You are LOVE! You are LIFE! There is nothing you need to get right to earn that, no way you have to behave to deserve it. You ARE it!
In our romantic relationships, we domesticate each other. We tell each other, through words and thousands of subtle signals, how we expect each other to behave in order to earn and hold onto our love. We use the reward of acceptance and attention, and the punishment of judgment and rejection to enforce our relationship domestication. And what is even more bizarre, we do it to ourselves in our own inner worlds!
I invite you to deny the lie of love. There is nothing you must do to earn love, and no dance you need to do to keep it. Love is not a commodity; it is the truth of who and what you are.
You are an unlimited source of Love. Please share it freely with yourself and others!
Thank you.
Author's Bio
Allan Hardman is an author and expert on personal and spiritual transformation, relationships, emotional healing-- and a Toltec Master in the lineage of don Miguel Ruiz, author of "The Four Agreements."™ Allan teaches in Sonoma County, CA, guides Journeys of the Spirit to sacred sites in Mexico, and hosts wellness vacations to tropical paradises. He is the author of "The Everything Toltec Wisdom Book," and co-author of "The Heart of Healing" and "Healing the Heart of the World," with Deepak Chopra, Caroline Myss, Dr. Andrew Weil, Prince Charles, and others. Visit Allan’s extensive website and TACO, his online spiritual and social networking community, at joydancer.com.
