I have to confess - I am a hopeless dreamer. I can sit and daydream the whole day, especially when lazing under a coconut tree by the beach which is what I love to do on some weekends. Somehow, there is a certain magical aura that makes my mind come alive when I close my eyes and lose myself in my dreams, projects and aspirations when I am out in the open and hearing the lapping of the waves amidst the cries of the children chasing crabs on the beach.
"What lies before us and what lies behind us are small matters compared to what lies within us. And when we bring what is within out into the world, miracles happen." - Henry David Thoreau
I think I have accumulated enough 'someday, one day, any day' excuses that hinder me from getting on track in my life.
Just last week, in my post called "TIME FOR CHANGE", I had listed twelve grand projects for the next six months as my own way of coping with the imminent mid-life crisis. Thankfully, I am still in my forties but if truth be told, if I honestly took stock of all the creative/household projects I have accumulated over the years, it would take more than one lifetime to get them all finished! Reality bites - my projects are definitely going to outlive me. There are times when I wish I could be like Mary Poppins and have the supernatural power to clear the house with the snap of a finger or the lilt of a song.
Somehow, I get a natural high when I think of clearing (note - THINK - not DO PHYSICALLY :-)! ) the piles of unread TIME magazines, accumulated junk in drawers, clothes that haven't been worn in years and some still with their price tags, loads of memento and souvenirs, toys that my boys used to love and so on. I realize that I have to get moving and to start letting go of things which are not important in my life anymore. I must not procrastinate and say I will do it someday, one day or any day and I have to just DO IT.
And what am I talking about? Spring cleaning of course - both physically and mentally!
Often times, I ask myself :
If I were moving, would I take this with me?
Is this something I see myself completing and even something I want to complete?
What is the cost to building my "bigger dream" by keeping this **********?
What is my priority?
At the same time I asked these questions, I checked my feelings about letting them go or keeping them. When the feeling lacked passion or desire, I would let it go. And sometimes when I do let it go, I lament and regret. Admittedly, the range of resistance varies when deciding which object to release. Some were easier than others. Some - I simply cannot let go because I am such a sentimental character...
Would you believe me if I tell you that I still have the dress I wore on my first date with my husband? I have my Std. 3 green sports shorts that I wore as a MGS pupil. I even have my graduation dress, going away dress for my honeymoon and my son's diapers, some of their baby clothing, toys etc. (although I gave away lots). I even have my primary school pencils, pencil cases, the ink eraser that I used from Std 5 till I graduated, the ruler that I used for 32 years until I kept it in a treasured pencil box, all the birthday cards that I received from 1967!!!! I even have all the essays I wrote in secondary school and all my university term papers. If not for my husband, I would have kept all my uni notes as well! I even have my wedding cards, thank you cards, and every single card or letter or aerogram that my former students sent to me - one big box representing an era without the Internet. The list is simply endless! I even have a few drawers full of my paper bag collection from all over the world!!!
Even now, I feel so tired thinking of all the junk that I mentioned but yet, precious memento from the past. There were a couple of items that I wished I would have held on to but I seem to have blotted them from my mind. There is so much that I want to throw away and yet, I cannot bear to do so....because of the memories that they hold...
There are so many clothes, scarves, shoes, handbags, books that I bought in the past to be used SOMEDAY and that one day never came....and that is the reason why I do not like to shop now...So many beautiful pens that were given to me as gifts and I never used them for I always kept them for SOMEDAY....and when ONE DAY I wanted to use them, the ink had dried up and I lost the opportunity to maximize the pen's utility...The same for my perfume collection.
I opened a box of one of my DKNY perfumes and was horrified that 1/3 of it had evaporated!!! And it was the same for a few other bottles of precious scents. Sighs. I have so many bottles of perfume that my husband sometimes ask me if I intend to open a gift shop and sell my perfumes,, accessories (which I seldom use), books, VCDs, DVDs and the list is endless. Junk. Why did I have a-buy-when-I-feel-like-it mentality in the past???
Now, I have learnt to let go....to let go of material things. Sometimes, people ask me why it is easy for me to lead a simple life when I could enjoy one of affluence. Simplicity is a saner and environment-friendly way to live. It wasn't easy letting go. I felt guilty over money spent; guilty about letting dreams go when I saved all those stuff for someday. However, I now see the metaphor of having these "somedays" in my life. They were keeping my bigger dream of living life on purpose into the same "someday" category. In releasing my attachment to these articles, I allowed myself more space to grow emotionally, spiritually and even intellectually.
I donated a lot, gave away lots and trashed some. I still have more to do. It is amazing how much I have accumulated. I feel tired each time I think of clearing everything. But yet, I have to let go in favor of my "bigger picture" in being true to myself and purpose. I have a BIG Dream to move on in my life and to STOP being such a dreamer and to pursue my dreams with a higher level of commitment, perseverance, and discipline.
I feel more at peace. It has changed my life significantly and has me living truer to "anything is possible."
The past few days, I have been thinking of my unrealized ambitions and dreams which had been stored for somedays - one of which is my postgrad studies. I came so close to submitting my proposal but then dad passed away and I was too distraught to even fill up the form and put it all together and I lost that opportunity because my thesis was on the impact of the internet on the democratic process in Malaysia. And now, once again, I have selected another topic but there are still the 'someday' excuse which is keeping me from being on purpose to my dream.
To create space for passion, the future has to be free of baggage that is clogging the future. I have been looking around my house and have taken an inventory of what's sitting around taking up space and sucking up my energy. And yes, I will accomplish the 12 part project I listed out the other day.
And I have resolved that instead of being overwhelmed by the volume of work that has to be done, the best way to begin is small steps at a time with small blocks of time, and with a goal that each week something will be sold, trashed, or donated. And I will clear one drawer, one closet, one room at a time.
All it takes is a firm farewell to my 'Someday, One Day & Any day' excuse. Yup -time is running out and now I must seize the day!!! I will chase my dream and fulfil my ambitions without procrastinating and telling myself silly excuses that someday....one day...on any day I will...
Nope.
I will reach out and I will DO IT!
FANTASTIC FACTS ABOUT YOUR BODY
It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 3kg (6.6 lb).
The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
Women reading this will be finished now.
Men are still busy checking their thumbs.
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"DEAF WIFE?" What did you say ???????
A man feared his wife Peggy wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner ?'
No response. So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner?'
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
Again he gets no response. So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away.
'Honey, what's for dinner?' Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her.. 'Peg, what's for dinner?'
(I just love this)............................
'Frank, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!!!!!'
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What did the gangster's son tell his dad when he failed his examination?
'Dad, they questioned me for 3 hours, but I never told them anything!!'
What's the difference between people who pray in church and those who pray in casinos?
The ones in the casinos are serious.
When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.
A little boy went up to his father and asked : 'Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?'
His father replied : 'Well, son, you must have gotten it from your mother, because I still have mine.'
Jimmy's teacher sent a note home to his mother, saying : 'Jimmy seems to be a very bright boy, but spends too much of his time thinking about girls.'
The mother wrote back the next day : 'If you find a solution, please advise. I have the same problem with his father!'
Have a nice day!
Last week, I published a set of slides that showed photos of some lovable pandas. Here's another set of photographs of pandas that will surely melt your heart. Thanks to Angela who sent them to me.
Please wait a while for the file to upload and if it takes too long, please CLICK THIS LINK.
Thanks and have a nice day!
The list is long of the things we have all done to find, get and keep love in our life. Abandoning our authentic selves to become some variety of whomever you want me to be ranks among the top few. At some point we learned this was a good idea; probably the same place we all learned a version of this, from our parents, who learned from theirs, and so on. We are imprinted with the belief that love has to be earned—or, at minimum, looks a certain way. (I do this or that and then you’ll love me.) Dr. Helen Fisher, whom I greatly esteem, calls this your love map.
I, too, strongly recommend that you know what your relationship pattern or map looks like. Intimately! Otherwise you end up falling victim to the unconscious loop that most of us repeat over and over, and NOT in a good way. Your pattern may look like: you always attract people who cheat, are narcissists, are abusive, have no drive, are alcoholic or addicted to pornography, or perhaps they just can’t seem to tell the truth about anything (especially when it comes to where they have been and who with); maybe they are blamers, have anger problems or won’t commit. And no matter what you do, it seems, oops there I go again, I attracted another (fill in the blank). Whatever your love map looks like (my latest book, Hindsight, offers you a great exercise on how to identify your love patterns) there is hope. And something we can do about it.
Making the distinction between who I am being (my persona or inauthentic self) and my true self (or authentic self) is the first step in the process of awakening, which leads to the eventual shift from unconsciously and reflexively choosing the same type of relationship over and over again. For me this was part of a larger portal through which I passed and left what wasn’t working (and who) behind for a more authentic life filled with great freedom of being. This portal, I call becoming internally referenced—making the distinction between who you are and who you are not—and it’s absolutely fundamental to having a great relationship. It also happens to be one of the tools I teach in my CORR® certification program.
Over the last 25 years of working in the personal development industry I have learned some amazing things, some absolutely life-altering truths that have become creed because they were ultimately irrefutable (true whether or not I believed them).
And few rival my understanding of what love is NOT:
- Chemistry is not love. Chemistry is…well…chemistry.
- Desire is not love. It’s more like being addicted to the feeling of wanting something you can’t have, so you set yourself up again and again to feel it! Desire junkies salute!
- Longing, nope, not love! Too many Cinderella or Pretty Woman episodes.
- Feeling lovesick, uh uh, NOT. Smacks of love map laced with abandonment issues.
- Infatuation, often confused with love, is a strong psychological projection onto the love object.
- Lust - a biological function designed to procreate. (Period.)
- Abuse, definitely NOT. Usually a direct connection to our low- or no-self-esteem!
- Neglect, no, not love either. There’s always time for some loving exchange!
- Indifference. Ouch. Nope. Not likely. More likely booty call, or they’re just not into you at all!
For me, making this/these distinctions saved me a whole lot of heart ache. I learned to make better choices and found that I respected myself even more when I focused on what was real and authentic about myself, rather than focusing on trying to figure out who you wanted or needed me to be. At first, like with many things, I had a tough time believing this was true and still find I can get caught in that trap. But overall, this awareness makes it possible for us to attract and create a healthy, loving relationship rather than one based on deserve and reward.
And if you want to get really deep, my husband often reminds me that the English language has but one word for love (with 9 definitions, by the way). We have come up with our own definition (vigilant seekers of truth that we would like to think we are). We consider Love a gift, a conscious choice we make to behave with respect, patience, understanding and compassion with ourselves and towards another human being. It’s a way to behave from, and includes the concept that love bestowed need not be earned nor returned but rather wants only that which the other wants for him or her own self! Once you have a taste of the real thing, it’s hard to go back!!!
Author's Bio
Maryanne Comaroto is an internationally known relationship expert, talk show host and author. Her weekly live radio talk show reaches millions of listeners in the U.S. and around the world. Maryanne's philosophy is "Great relationships begin within!"Check out her website here: Maryanne Live.
She leads popular workshops and seminars for men and women and has had a private practice as a clinical hypnotherapist for more than 20 years. She is the author of the award-winning memoir Skinny, Tan and Rich: Unveiling the Myth. Her latest book, Hindsight: What You Need to Know Before You Drop Your Drawers, outlines the 14 critical questions to ask before you get intimate in a relationship and gives the reader six tools for their Relationship Toolbelt.
