An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated andand bet twenty-thousand Euros on a single roll of the dice. She said, 'I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude'.
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, 'Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!'
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...'YES! YES! I WON, I WON!'
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, 'What did she roll?'
The other answered, 'I don't know - I thought you were watching.'
MORAL OF THE STORY
Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb, but all men...are men.
* Thanks to Pauline who sent me that joke.
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A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was saying to his lawyer, "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined."
"It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.
"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?" asked the defendant.
"Oh no!" said the lawyer. "This judge is a stickler for ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even find you in contempt of the court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge."
Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked."
"I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them," said the lawyer.
"But I did send them," said the defendant.
"What?! You did?"
"Yes, That's how we won the case."
"I don't understand," said the lawyer.
"It's easy. I sent the cheapest cigars that I could find to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's
business card..."
*Thanks to Freddie who sent me this joke and the next one as well.
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The Irish Farmer
An Irish farmer named Seamus had a car accident. In court, the lorry company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus.
'Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.
Seamus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the...'
'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident,
'I'm fine!'?'
Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....'
The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.'
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.
Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't
want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me,
and asked me, 'How are you feeling?'
Then Seamus turned to the Judge and the Solicitor : "If you were me, what the hell would you say?"
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And now, some Manglish/Singlish jokes for a change....
Story 1
Ah Seng bought a Honda VTI recently and drove to Ah Sui's place to show it to her. So there Ah Seng was bragging the various functions of his new car to his girlfriend.
"This is ah, so fast even the Mata Chia cannot catch ah!"
"Ha! Really ah!!! Steady lah!" said Ah Sui.
"Some more hor, this is Automatic one, vely easy to drive!"
So Ah Sui said, "Let me try! I wan, I wan!"
So Ah Sui took the driver's seat and shifted the gear and floored the accelerator.
The next moment, the car sped backwards and crashed into the lamp-post.
"Alamak! What u doing? U Siao Char Bo! U see lah!
"Wah Piang eh!" screamed Ah Seng.
"Solee, solee, pai sei lah! No lah, I tot hor, "R" for racing mah!"*
Story 2
The Titanic was sinking, and there weren't enough lifeboats. So the captain had to persuade male passengers to jump into the icy waters to make room for women and children.
To the British he said. "You must act like gentlemen." They jumped.
To the Americans he said, "You can be heroes." They complied.
To the Germans he said, "It's the rule." They obeyed.
To the Japanese he said," It's the consensus." They obliged.
Then came the Singaporean and they just weren't budging until he came up with the appeal: "Free life jackets for those who jumped."
Story 3
3 recruits - Chinese, Malay & Indian are at the army supply base to collect underwear. The sergeant was there to aid the supplies.
Sergeant: Hei Ah Seng! How many underwear you need ah?
Ah Seng: (thinks a while) 7 sasen(sergeant)!
Sergeant: (puzzled) How come so many?
Ah! Seng: Mon, Tues, Wed, Thurs, Fri, Sat & Sun. One day one.
Sergeant: (Malay recruit) Eh Mat! How many underwear?
Mat: (without hesitation) 6 sargen!
Sergeant: (curious) How come six?
Mat: Mon, Tues, Wed, Thurs, Sat & Sun. Friday I wear sarong.
Sergeant: (Indian recruit) Dei Tambi. How many underwears dah dei?
Tambi: (very confidently) 12 Sarjen !!!!
Sergeant: (shocked & fell to the ground) Why you need so many for?
Tambi: January, February, March.....One month one.
Story 4
Once upon a time, a group of Ah Sengs stepped into a lounge and wanted the DJ to play the song "Ah Cheng Buey Ro Ti" (In Hokkien means Ah Cheng buys bread).
The DJ told them that they only have English songs and told them to re-select another song.
The Ah Sengs were very angry and kicked up a bigfuss, c lai ming the DJ was insulting them. The manager had to intervene in order to calm them down.
Finally, after long talk with Ah Sengs, the manager found out that Ah Sengs actually asking for the song "Unchained Melody" by the Righteous Brothers.
Story 5
One day, two Ah Suis got into a lift from the 20th storey and want to get down to the ground floor.
As they looked at the dial, they could see the number 20 down to number 2.
It was then followed by a G. As they not English-educated, they were puzzled and had no idea what does the letter G mean.
Suddenly one of them exclaimed excitedly and hit G. When they finally reached the ground floor, the other Ah Sui was so impressed and asked the first Ah Sui, "Wah low!!!, how you know one?"
The first Ah Sui reply smugly, "Easy lah.. G for Gero mah..."
Story 6
Santa Singh (remember him?) just graduated from Law school and decided to apply for a job in the most prestigious "Lee & Lee Law Firm".
During the interview, Mr. Lee KY looked at Santa Singh's resume, thinks for a while and said, "Well, I would need to discuss your application with my wife."
And went off to discuss Santa's application with his wife. Lee KY's wife said, "C'mon, don't you know that we only hire lawyers with surnames beginning with 'Lee' only?
"Of course, we can't hire Santa Singh!" So Lee KY told the bad news to Santa Singh about his rejection.
Few days later, Santa Singh came back to the same company and request for another interview and Lee KY said, 'Look Santa, I have already told you that we only hire.......'
when Santa Singh interrupted him and said, 'I know, I know. I have just changed my name.
Lee K Y looked at Santa Singh in surprise and asked, "What is your new name then?"
On this, Santa Singh replied, 'Surname Lee, Last name, Manga!' (Manga-Lee)
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I was at Wal Mart shopping for my loyal pet, Streek, and was in the checkout line when woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.
(I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack as he was laughing so hard. Wal Mart won't let me shop there anymore.
Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say- especially when they're not really certified as insane.
*Thanks to Uncle John who sent me this joke.
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Choosing a Profession :-
An old kampung imam had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.
Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't
seem too concerned about it.
One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects.
1. The Holy Book.
2. A fifty ringgit note.
3. A bottle of whiskey.
4. And a Playboy magazine.
'I'll just hide behind the door," the old imam said to himself. "When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up."
"If it's the Holy Book, he's going to be an imam like me, and what a blessing that would be!"
"If he picks up the fifty ringgit note, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too."
"But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and God, what a shame that would be."
"And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer."
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and heading for his room..
The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Holy Book and placed it under his arm. He picked up the fifty ringgit note and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired the Playboy magazine's centerfold.
"God have mercy," the old imam disgustedly whispered. "He's going to be a POLITICIAN !!!
*Thanks to Freddie for this joke. Have a nice day and a lovely weekend!
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