The problem with communication … is the illusion that it has been accomplished.
~George Bernard Shaw
The day at work has been horrific. Emails never stopped. The voicemail light kept flashing. The boss needed the information yesterday. And to top it all off, you had a fight with your wife as you left this morning.
You feel the tension coming from the house when you get out of your car in the driveway. The kids are in their rooms doing homework and your wife approaches you and says the words most men dread: “we need to talk.”
It seems at this moment, most men have the fight or flight response. I can berate her about the timing of things, continue to insist that I’m right and she’s wrong. Or I can shrug it off and disappear with the TV, the Internet, alcohol, or the work I conveniently brought home.
What is it about talking that is so difficult for men? Granted, this does not apply to all men, but most have some trouble with deep conversation. Especially when it comes to conversing with our spouse.
A brief history
Men have been educated from birth to compete, judge, demand, and diagnose. We are very adept at seeing a problem that needs fixing and developing a way to fix the problem. Unfortunately, this fix is according to the man, possibly not taking into account those around him. This is due in part to our learning to think and communicate in terms of what is “right” or what is “wrong.”
To add to this, we often express our feelings in terms of what has been “done to us” rather than being independent of those around us. We mix up our needs and we ask for what we’d like using demands, guilt, or even the promise of rewards. This should come as no surprise since this is how many of us were raised by our parents.
At best, the basic ways men think and communicate hinder communication and create both misunderstanding and frustration. At worst, they can lead to anger, depression and even violence.
Communicating with your spouse do’s and don’ts
* Talk face to face. Anytime you are in a discussion with your spouse that is beyond the scheduling or surface level, do it face to face. If this is not possible, the phone will work, although this can limit the connection and increase the possibility of misunderstandings. Never try to cover deeper issues via email or text messages.
* Turn off other distractions during the conversation. If you’re working on the computer, minimize the work or better yet, shut the whole thing off. If you’re watching TV, turn it off. If you are afraid of missing something in the game, get Tivo.
* Don’t answer the phone. If it rings in the middle of the conversation, you have voicemail for a reason. Let it do it’s job.
* Take the time to listen to her point of view. You are only one part of the relationship. Consider her side of things and ask for clarity if you don’t get what she’s saying. You don’t have to agree with everything she says to still love her. But it will help to understand her if you listen.
* Forget about being right or wrong. As soon as the discussion turns to who’s right and who’s wrong, you’ve both lost. If you have an insatiable need to always be right when it comes to your spouse, riddle me this: what’s it like to be married to a loser? If you have to always be right, that makes your spouse always wrong. It’s not about right or wrong most of the time.
Communication leads to community, that is, to understanding, intimacy and mutual valuing.
~Rollo May
The art of non-violent communication
Do you think it is possible to connect with what is alive in ourselves and in others from moment-to-moment? Dr. Marshall Rosenberg says yes. His non-violent communication techniques focus on how we express ourselves, how we hear those around us and how to resolve conflict by focusing our consciousness on what we are observing, feeling, needing, and requesting.
In order to connect on a deeper level, we have to check ourselves throughout the conversation. Often, whenever our emotions spike during the discussion, we will change the subject or attack the other person in order to help us feel better about whatever is going on at the moment.
My grandfather once said that when a person involved in a conversation raises their voice, it’s no longer about what best for all involved and the current situation. It’s about their power and their pride.
The art of conversation at a deeper level:
* Focus on the intention. Most marital conversations can be simplified down into one of two categories. A chance to be closer together or a chance to be my own person. Humans vacillate between being too close together or too far apart. Conversations are often used to either bring us closer together or create some space between us. If what you are really wanting is companionship, understanding, compassion, then say so outright. If on the other hand you are wanting some space to chart your own course, speak up. Both connection and separateness are necessary parts of every relationship (for more information on this subject check out my Ebook, The Simple Marriage Matrix).
* Seek compassionate connection. This is done primarily by the conversations not being tied to a particular outcome, like being right or something you’d like the other person to do. Focus on being clear with your side of the conversation and then clearly hearing their side. This may mean you don’t agree. So what. You are two separate individuals. You are not going to see eye to eye on everything.
The conflict or issue may not be resolved, that’s not the point. A mutually satisfying outcome is where both people are heard and understood. Think of your conversations in terms of sex. When both people are satisfied, the connection is much deeper and lasting.
Many attempts to communicate are nullified by saying too much.
~Robert Greenleaf
by Cory Allan from SimpleMarriage.net.
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. The following is from the Canadian Association Of Retired People. Thanks to Freddie who shared this with me.
Questions and Answers from CARP Forum
Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested
in them?
A: Try a bookstore under fiction.
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you're done you'll have a place to live.
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60-plus year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.
Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.
Q: Seriously! What can I do for these Crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out..
Q: Why should 60-plus year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, Retrieving it is the problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "Gosh, I remember these!"
Remember:
Senior Citizens Are Valuable!
We are more valuable than any of the younger generations.
We have silver in our hair.
We have gold in our teeth.
We have stones in our kidneys.
We have lead in our feet and,
We are loaded with natural gas!
SMILE, You've still got your sense of humor, RIGHT?
‘Men do not understand women.’ How could they? There’s an old joke I’d like to share with you that illustrates this point so well.
A man finds an old lamp on the beach and gives it a rub and out pops a genie. The genie tells the man that he has one wish (whatever happened to the other two?) The man thinks for a bit and then says, “I’ve always wanted to visit Hawaii but I’m afraid of flying and I get seasick on a ship. Could you create a highway from my beachfront home in Malibu to Hawaii?” The genie laughs, “That’s impossible. Think of the logistics of creating such a highway. How would the support beams even reach to the bottom of the Pacific ocean? And that’s just for starters. Can’t you ask for something else?” The man thinks for a while and then replies, “Ok, I wish I understood women.” To this the genie responds, “Would you like that highway to have two lanes or four?”
Read more in Relationships
« What Women Want
Staying Together After Cheating: Is It Worth It? »
Dr. Roger Sperry won the Nobel Peace prize in Medicine and Physiology in 1981 for his breakthrough research on the difference in brain functions between male and female babies. He discovered that between the 16th and 26th week of gestational development in the womb, a chemical reaction occurs in the brains of boys that does not happen in the brains of girls. Two chemicals are released that slow down the development of the right side of the brain. Dr. Sperry found out what all women already know, men are born with a disadvantage and it gets worse… ;)
Jokes aside, we have all been taught the right side of the brain is the creative centre of brain but it’s a little more than that. It is the part of the brain that deals with the emotions and it is also the ‘caring’ and ‘nurturing’ part of the brain. Those who claim that women and men are alike should do a little research. We are vastly different in the way we think and respond because we are different physiologically.
Henry Higgins the fictional character who had the unenviable task of turning Eliza Doolittle into a real lady, retorted, “Why can’t a woman be more like a man?”
I’m not going to go into all the physiological differences between men and women because many of them are obvious. Women were uniquely created to bear children and care for them. Men were designed to be hunters and providers. I know that in this modern age we have largely departed from our traditional roles and women are now taking on erstwhile traditionally male roles and vice versa. There are great female leaders and providers and great male house-husbands who nurture and care for the children while their wives go out and bring in the bacon but this is not the way nature intended for it to be. If it were, men would have been created like seahorses. If you don’t know what I’m talking about pull out your encyclopedia or google the reproductive processes of a seahorse and you’ll know what I’m talking about.
The purpose of this article is not to discuss the differences between men and women ad nauseum. It is to help men understand women a little better…something I know that some men would dearly love. Conversely I’d love to understand men better but that’s another subject.
‘To understand a woman is to love her’ ~ Unknown
If this were true, you could not possibly love a woman. Get this one thing straight. You will NEVER fully understand a woman but you will understand her better if you WANT to. This is the KEY.
In order to GAIN anything in life you must first WANT it. Desire, coupled with passion leads to action and action coupled with awareness leads to understanding. ~ Chanti
A couple with marital problems visited a marriage counselor in hope that he could help their relationship. The marriage counselor listened attentively to them both and after a short pause for thought, he strode around his desk, lifted the woman to her feet and then he swung her back in his arms and kissed her passionately on the lips. Her milquetoast husband was nonplussed but didn’t say a word. At this point, the counselor looked intently at the husband and said, “This….is what your wife needs every day!” to which the startled husband responded meekly, “What time should I bring her in every day?”
Men use romance to get sex.
Women use sex to get romance.
Ouch, I can almost hear the libbers rising up in defence over that one. Before you get on your high horses, I didn’t coin that expression. I don’t know who did but there is some truth in it. When a woman says to a man, “Please hold me,” a man may take this to be an invitation to have sex. His testosterone levels are charged up and he mentally rubs his hands with glee and thinks ‘Tonight is my lucky night!’. She simply wants to be held. I’m not saying that this scenario couldn’t lead to passionate love-making but it’s not the woman’s purpose or goal. In order for a woman to feel loved, she needs to be held, cuddled and caressed. If a man tended to her needs without expectation of sex (Please note: Men usually aim for the end result while women focus on the process) he is more likely to get what he wants. I’m not saying that women are not sexual creatures. We are but we’re built differently to men. Whereas a man can be visually stimulated and get turned on, a woman usually requires other ‘deeper’ stimulus. A woman needs to be turned on emotionally before she can be turned on physically. I’ve heard men say ‘My wife is not interested in sex.’ and I’ve wondered ‘Why?’ and asked “Was she ever interested in sex?” Yes there are women AND men who may have physiological or psychological problems that may affect their libido but I’m not talking about these. He will often reply, “Oh yes, when we were first married she couldn’t get enough of me but she seems to have lost interest.”
There are numerous reasons why women may lose interest in sex. Raising children is exhausting and after a hard day, a woman may not feel like the sexiest creature on earth and may find her husband’s advances tiresome but this is only one of a multitude of reasons.
Note that I said ‘…a woman may not feel like the sexiest creature on earth…’ In order for a woman to BE sexy, she needs to FEEL sexy. This is where your understanding of her makeup will make a huge difference. In order for a woman to feel sexy, she needs to feel beautiful (at least in your eyes). You can’t MAKE anyone feel anything but you can boost her self esteem by not focusing on her weaknesses but rather on her strengths.
What you focus on grows and what you neglect shrinks.
If you want your woman to be beautiful, treat her as though she were the most beautiful creature to have ever graced the face of the earth. We become what we think and you can influence what she thinks by what you say. This might be overly simplistic but it’s a basic truth. Try it out. You don’t even need to say the words ‘You are beautiful’ to make a woman feel beautiful although you should. If you pay her attention, look deeply into her eyes when she talks and make an effort to treat her with respect and love, she will blossom. Men and women love to be appreciated. We know that there are different love languages and how we show our appreciation and love may vary according to our partner’s needs but most people respond well to positive words and affirming actions. If you had to say to your wife, “You are so beautiful, I only have eyes for you,” and the next minute lasciviously stare at the waitresses long legs, she is likely to believe you about as much as she will believe a politician’s pre-election promises. Your actions need to match up to your words.
The feminist movement started in the late nineteenth / early twentieth century started for all the right reasons but as so often happens, the movement was taken to extremes. Feminists argue that sexed identities such as ‘man’ and ‘woman’ are social constructs. I won’t go down that road right now because I have strong ideas about this subject that might not be very popular. It’s a controversial subject that evokes strong feelings in men and women alike. We know that there are no hard and fast rules and we cannot state anything as a broad fact when it comes to humanity. Just on one level: Men were physiologically created to perfectly complement a woman’s physiology but we know that not all men are attracted to women and vice versa. Not all women are emotional and not all men are logical. You cannot make generalised statements like these and hope to get away with them. When I share what women want, I’m sharing subjectively but I know that I’m not alone in these thoughts having shared this subject with many women and taking in their views.
There are women the world over who seem to have lost a sense of their own femininity and the truly crazy thing is that these are women who often refer to themselves as ‘feminists’. As you can tell, I’m not a member of the ‘bra-burning’ brigade. Quite aside from the fact that I find this whole concept to be bizarre, bras have a practical purpose and I don’t really want to have breasts that look like Spaniel’s ears in a few years. *winks*
It is my opinion that most women, even those who have taken up traditionally masculine roles, do want to be feminine and they feel feminine in the presence of a man who has confidence in his own masculinity. Most women do not want wimps. We like men who are self-possessed, confident and protective of us. We do want to feel protected and safe with our men. We enjoy men who are decisive and who will take control in tenuous situations. I’m not talking about cave men who drag us about by the hair and who demand obedience and subservience from their women. Try that one out in this day and age and you’ll have an extremely rebellious woman on your hands. It’s often said that men are attracted to beautiful women and women are attracted to powerful men. This is a gross generalisation because attraction is such a complex mechanism but men are visual creatures and attraction is more likely, at least in the initial stages, to be based on what they see. Women may also be attracted to looks but you will often find that women will be very attracted to men who would not be termed conventionally attractive simply because the man has such an aura of power or confidence. He is the kind of man that walks into a room and commands attention because he is self-confident and seems to be in control. He is the kind of man who will make her feel safe. In short, one of things that most women seek, whether they admit it or not, is SECURITY. When a man cannot provide her with security, she will provide it for herself and she will lose respect for her man or men in general. Men in turn have felt threatened by the emerging Amazon women who no longer seem to need them and they may slip into a form of complacency. It really has become a vicious circle. Nevertheless, this was not intended to be a political statement or even a dissertation on the differences between men and women. It was intended to help men gain some kind of understanding of the wants and needs of a typical woman.
Women want men to listen, really listen. Please be aware that women don’t always directly say what they mean. This is where you will find confusion creeping in. How do you know what a woman means if she doesn’t tell you? Oh boy I wish I had a dictionary to offer men to help in this department. Men find the subtleties of feminine communication hard to understand. Women often take a circuitous route to a point whereas a man simply wants ‘the point’. He may become so confused by her form of communication he will start to wonder what she is getting at and when she finally communicates a point directly, he will say ‘What do you mean?’ Is it any wonder he doesn’t get it? I wish I could teach women how to communicate their needs more directly to men. It would make our lives so much simpler. Women prefer to be more subtle. We are also more inclined to hint at what we want or need rather than coming straight out and saying it. One way in which you can help a woman overcome this and get directly to the point is to reassure her. Women may avoid being direct because they fear a negative reaction. Tell her that you’d prefer for her to be very clear about what she wants and tell her that you will listen carefully and consider what she is telling you calmly before responding and keep that promise. Ask her if she requires an answer. Sometimes women share for the sake of sharing and don’t necessarily require anything from you but a willing ear. Men are problem-solvers by nature and when a women shares the details of a problem, they are inclined to click into ‘logic’ mode and tell her how to solve the problem when all she really wanted was for him to listen and make the right noises. It may be hard for you to keep your mouth shut in these circumstances but if you learn to listen without trying to solve her problems, you will find that she will be more open to you in future. She will also be more inclined to listen to any advice you may wish to offer. If you’re not sure whether you should offer anything up, ask her. “Would you like my advice here?” More often than not she’ll be more receptive if you phrase it this way. Now don’t make statements like, ‘You must…’ or judge her actions e.g. ‘How could you be so stupid as to….’ etc. The best way to tackle this is the way women deal with one another e.g. ‘Well what I would do is….’ and then end off with ‘What do you think?’ Always make her feel like her own opinion counts and you’re not just telling her what to do.
Obviously there is a lot more that I could share but I feel that I’ve covered a few key points here.
To summarise:
WHAT WOMEN DESIRE:
Romance
Physical affection (Cuddles)
Appreciation / Validation
Respect
Security (to feel safe)
The final point is vital….LISTEN
You will only understand what a woman wants if you are prepared to listen to her and if you truly desire understanding. It’s an ongoing process and the more you listen, the more you will learn.
I wrote this article with the intention of helping men gain an understanding about women and their needs but this doesn’t let women off the hook. Any relationship is a two-way street and their should be effort on both sides. I think it’s just as important that women try to gain an understanding of men and apply themselves to meeting their needs as well. I hope this article has been of some help and would love feedback if it has.
written by Chanti Niven at THIS LINK
