Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak - the last one is great! Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back.. or that you could crawl into a hole?
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....
FIRST TESTIMONY:
I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, 'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?'
I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word.....he knew better.
SECOND TESTIMONY:
I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using... After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me.
Without thinking, I looked at him and said, 'I think I like playing with men's balls.'
THIRD TESTIMONY:
My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help.
I replied, 'No, I'm just looking at your nuts.'
My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
FOURTH TESTIMONY :
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving 'right now' she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening,
'If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!'
The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing.
I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter...
FIFTH TESTIMONY:
Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training, and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean..
The realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said 'No.'
I kept thinking 'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me.' Then I said, 'Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?'
'No,' he replied.
I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, 'Danny did you have an accident?' This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled 'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST
FARTS!!'
While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down..
An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!
LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:
This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks...
What happens when you predict snow but don't get any!
We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:
'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?'
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!
--------------------------------
*I posted these jokes which were compiled from a few e-mails that I received from my friends to humor my blog readers and not to offend anyone. Please accept my apologies if any of these jokes have offended you.
The kind of resignation letter from a systems administrator that we can only dream of sending ... but hilarious to read!
A supposed letter of resignation from an employee to her boss
Dear Mr. Baker,
As an employee of an institution of higher education, I have a few very basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superiors have an intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel. After your consistent and annoying harrassment of my co-workers and myself during the commission of our duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the few true genetic wastes of our time.
Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every little nuance of everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not only a waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen. I was hired because I know how to network computer systems, and you were apparently hired to provide amusement to myself and other employees, who watch you vainly attempt to understand the concept of “cut and paste” for the hundredth time. You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple as binary still gives you too many options. You will also never understand why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you, even though I am sure this will be just as effective as telling you what an IP is. Your shiny new iMac has more personality than you ever will.
You walk around the building all day, shiftlessly looking for fault in others. You have a sharp dressed useless look about you that may have worked for your interview, but now that you actually have responsibility, you pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping their talent will cover for your glaring ineptitude. In a world of managerial evolution, you are the blue-green algae that everyone else eats and laughs at. Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle. Seeing as this situation is unlikely to change without you getting a full frontal lobotomy reversal, I am forced to tender my resignation, however, I have a few parting thoughts.
1. When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal for you to give me a bad recommendation. The most you can say to hurt me is “I prefer not to comment.” I will have friends randomly call you over the next couple of years to keep you honest, because I know you would be unable to do it on your own.
2. I have all the passwords to every account on the system, and I know every password you have used for the last five years. If you decide to get cute, I am going to publish your “favorites list”, which I conveniently saved when you made me “back up” your useless files. I do believe that terms like “Lolita” are not usually viewed favorably by the administration.
3. When you borrowed the digital camera to “take pictures of your Mother’s birthday”, you neglected to mention that you were going to take pictures of yourself in the mirror nude. Then you forgot to erase them like the techno-moron you really are. Suffice it to say, I have never seen such odd acts with a sauce bottle, but I assure you that those have been copied and kept in safe places pending the authoring of a glowing letter of recommendation. (Try to use a spell check please, I hate having to correct your mistakes.)
Thank you for your time, and I expect the letter of recommendation on my desk by 8:00 am tomorrow. One word of this to anybody, and all of your little twisted repugnant obsessions will be open to the public. Never mess with your systems administrator. Why? Because they know what you do with all that free time!
Sincerely,
xxx
written by traymond
Empowerment comes from a strong heart which holds love, not fear. With a strong heart, we can do ANYTHING! In this excerpt from her book Sustaining Joy, Shirley shows us how to work with our heart to open it gradually so that it becomes accustomed to holding more and more love. In that way we will see everything in a new light and be empowered to move forth in a life filled with Joy and all we could ever desire.
The heart seems to be one of the most vulnerable in the system because it is the one that has held the most fear, the most old pain, perhaps, and repressed energy. It is the one that is most afraid to open to pure unconditional love, which is indeed where your power lies.
So, in essence, when you open your heart and heal without fear, you are opening to your own spiritual power. For many who think that power is held in various vibrational waves, we would correct this…
The power is in the heart, in the love, in the truth, and however challenging or difficult it may appear to be at times, the power is still in the truth of Love.
When you are on your journeys, in confusion, perhaps, afraid to turn this way, turn that way, it is the confusion in the heart that keeps you from walking forth in true connected power. It is that smoke screen, if you will, of the confusion of the heart - without setting the heart free to clearly love, to support, to bring the truth of unconditional love - that keeps you from stepping into truly who you are.
Now we know at this time, this may seem a bit trite or perhaps not as important as other things that seem to be about you on the earth plane to care for. However, this is one of the most important aspects of your journey - to strengthen your heart into initiation of self-empowerment - because you are indeed being initiated into your self-empowerment. This is the first step toward true initiation: the strengthening the heart, allowing the heart to feel, waking the heart up.
For many, the heart has been in a place of just existing, but not truly loving, being a bit numb, if you will, or complacent, perhaps a bit stagnant - for without the heart truly connecting with unconditional love, there is no true connection to your own passion. There is no true connection to your own creativity because you are not fully feeling with emotion the love for yourself and then, of course, for others.
We will just give a few exercises at this time to help strengthen the heart. The exercise that is required for this particular time to strengthen the heart is to truly go deeply into the heart on all levels - feeling, connecting to the pain, to the joy, to the confusion, to the openness, to the expansion, to the Light, to the repression, to the feeling of confused darkness - because as you go into that place and hold it, and hold the energy of the heart open to it instead of fleeing from it, you do strengthen the heart.
For many who run from the heart, from a sense of purpose, and truth, and knowledge, this will only exhaust the body by the running, running, and running from that which you cannot run from because, as you know, it is inside your being. You cannot run from the heart.
You must go into the heart because it is aligned with soul and purpose. You can share and teach others how you strengthened your own being, how you strengthened your heart, how you strengthened your connection to soul-self.
Be proud of your healing, wherever it takes you. Do not be ashamed. Do not feel fear.
For those of you who find strength in the body or strength in the mind, remember that the only real strength to keep all of this going in a balanced way is to come from the strength within the heart. When your heart is not strong, the mind is fatigued because it clearly depends on the heart and the emotional support and the love to keep the mind refreshed and alive and in motion.
So, for those of you who are working around the heart and fearing going into the heart, you are really compromising your real strength on all levels. This is an important understanding, for in exchanging the frequency shift to the next level (to vibrate with the next frequency, to move forward in this time, if you will), you will move further and more forward with the heart. The mind - the rational mind - has really no clear sense of purpose here, and the physical form of the body can only take you to its own limitations. The heart and the soul, the connections of these two, are what move you through time.
So, focus your healing and your opening on this area for this is what will move you through this particular time in freedom.
Strengthening the Heart Exercise
Find a safe, quiet space in which to do this exercise. When you are fully relaxed, travel into your heart.
To strengthen the heart, allow yourself to go deeply into the heart on all levels. Connect to everything: the pain, the joy, the confusion, the darkness, the love, holding the energy of the heart open to the experience instead of backing away from it.
Tune into it and feel what energy is there. Is the heart open or constricted? Is it warm or is it cool, or even cold, perhaps?
When you are ready, think about a person, situation, or emotion and bring that energy directly into the heart. If you feel yourself back off, continue to breathe into it. Embrace it. Hold it. Breathe out.
Then bring it in again, allowing yourself to really "feel" it, holding it a little longer, a little deeper, each time. Stretch a little further.
Keep opening the heart, stretching it, holding it open, until that energy begins to feel a natural part of your being.
1. What causes your heart to contract? What person(s) or situation(s) does your heart back away from?
2.How does it feel to open your heart fully to every experience?
ANOTHER EXERCISE: Do this with someone with whom you are trying to experience more openness, more love, more joy.
Sit across from each other and place your right hand over each other's heart. Breathe, letting the heart open.
Continue to let the energy open and hold it. Open and hold. Let the energy cycle, opening each other's heart.
Hold that energy as long as you can.
1. How did doing this exercise with another person change how you feel about him or her?
2. What fears, if any, did you experience? (fear of joy, intimacy, trust, openness…)
3. My fears: _________________________________________________
4. My partner's fears: ________________________________________
Author's Bio
Shirley Knapp, U.S.A. is an internationally recognized spiritual teacher and author of "Sustaining Joy" who leads groups in personal growth. She has been in a holistic private practice, teaching continuing education classes and individuals and groups since 1986. Shirley’s mission is to heal, love and serve the world by transforming ourselves and helping others transform in joy.
