Many men think that women are complex creatures. Recently, after an extended chit-chat session with a few close friends, I discovered that men are actually NOT that easy to understand either...Here are some tips to help women....:-) just for laughs! Have a nice day, folks!
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A 'translation utility' for women, so you know what your man *really* means when he says ...
"I’m going fishing.”
Really means: “I’m going to stand by a stream with a stick in my hand all day, while the fish swim by in complete safety.”
“It’s a guy thing.”
Really means: “There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical.”
“Can I help with dinner?”
Really means: “Why isn’t it already on the table?”
“Uh-huh.” “Sure, honey.” “Yes, dear.”
Really means: Absolutely nothing. It’s a conditioned response.
“It would take too long to explain.”
Really means: “I have no idea how it works.”
"We’re going to be late.”
Really means: “Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac.”
“Take a break, honey, you’re working too hard.”
Really means: “I can’t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.”
“That’s interesting, dear.”
Really means: “Did you say something?”
“Hey, I’ve got my reasons for what I’m doing.”
Really means: “And I sure I’ll think of some of them pretty soon.”
“I can’t find it.”
Really means: “It didn’t fall into my outstretched hands.”
“You know I could never love anyone else.”
Really means: “I am used to the way you yell at me and realize it could be worse.”
“You look terrific.”
Really means: “Please don’t try on one more outfit. I’m starving.”
“I’m not lost. I know exactly where we are.”
Really means: “No one will ever see us alive again.”
One day, three lawyers and three engineers were travelling by train to a conference.
At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.
“How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?” asks a lawyer.
“Watch and you’ll see,” answers an engineer.
They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, “Ticket, please.” The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.
The conductor takes it and moves on.%
When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip.
To their astonishment, the engineers don’t buy a ticket at all.
“How are you going to travel without a ticket?” says one perplexed lawyer.
“Watch and you’ll see,” answers an engineer.
When they board the train the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby.
The train departs.
Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, “Ticket, please.”
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A Letter From A Forgetful Man
... or have I already posted this?
Just a line to say I’m living.
that I’m not among the dead.
though I’m getting more forgetful,
and more mixed up in the head.
For sometimes I can’t remember
when I stand at the foot of the stairs,
if I must go up for something or
if I’ve just come down from there.
Standing before the fridge so often
my poor mind is filled with doubt,
have I just put food away or
have I come to take some out.
There are times when it is dark out
with my night cap on my head,
I don’t know if I’m retiring or
just got out of bed.
So-if it’s my turn to write you,
there’s no need of getting sore, I may
think I’ve already written and don’t
want to be a bore.
So, remember: I do love you and I
wish that you were here.
but, now it’s nearly mailtime
so, I must say good-bye my dear.
There I stood before the mailbox
with my face so very red, instead of
mailing you the letter I opened it instead!
Regards,
John
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Why aren’t you married yet?
If you're a single person who's tired of hearing the question, 'Are you married yet?' here are some snappy responses that are funny as well.
* You haven’t asked yet.
* I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life.
* Because I just love hearing this question.
* Just lucky, I guess.
* It gives my mother something to live for.
* My fiancee is awaiting his/her parole.
* I’m still hoping for a shot at Miss/Mr. America.
* I’m waiting until I get to be your age.
* It didn’t seem worth a blood test.
* I already have enough laundry to do, thank you.
* Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating.
* My co-op board doesn’t allow spouses.
* I’d have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund.
* I wouldn’t want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.
* What? And lose all the money I’ve invested in running personal ads?
* I don’t want to have to support another person on my paycheck.
* Why aren’t you thin?
* I’m married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation.
Have a lovely day folks!
