There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into the Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10 miles visibility when his instruments went out.
He began circling around looking for a landmark. Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with a guy working alone on the fifth floor. He banks the plane around, rolls down the window and shouts to the guy,"Hey where am I?"
The man replies, "You're in an airplane." The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to perform a perfect blind landing on the airport runway 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out.
The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it.
"Quite easy," replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless, therefore, that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is just five miles due East."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day little Jenny came home from school, and said to her mother, "Mummy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn't do."
The mother exclaimed, "But that's terrible Jenny dear! I'm going to have a talk with your teacher about this! By the way, what was it that you didn't do?"
Little Jenny replied, "My homework."
------------------------------
Signs Your Co-Worker Is A Hacker
Everyone who ticks him or her off gets a £26,000 phone bill.
They've won the Readers Digest Sweepstake three years running.
When asked for their phone number, they give it in hex.
They seem strangely calm whenever the office LAN goes down.
They mumbled, "Oh, puh-leeeez!" 295 times during the movie "The Net."
Their bank account receives a massive £400,000 contribution made in half-penny increments.
Their video dating profile lists "public-key encryption" among turn-ons.
Instead of the "Welcome" voice on AOL, you overhear, "Good Morning, Mr./Mrs. President."
You hear them murmur, "Let's see you use that VISA card now, Professor "I-Don't-Give-A's-In-Computer-Science!"
-----------------------------------
This 45 year old woman is naked, jumping up and down on her bed laughing and singing. Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her. He watches her a while then says, "You look ridiculous! What on earth do you think you're doing?"
She says, "I just got my checkup and my doctor says I have the breasts of an eighteen-year-old." She starts laughing and jumping again.
He says, "Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 45 year-old ass?"
"Your name never came up," she replied.
---------------------------------------
Why it's Great To Be A Man
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
Movie nudity is virtually always female.
A 5 day holiday requires only one suitcase.
You don't have to monitor your friends' sex lives.
Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
You can open all your own jars.
Short skirts.
Old friends don't care whether you've lost or gained weight.
Dry cleaners and hairdressers don't rob you blind.
When clicking through the channels, you don't have to stall at every shot of somebody crying.
All your orgasms are real.
You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
Your last name stays put.
You can leave the hotel bed unmade.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
Nobody secretly wonders whether you swallow.
Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
None of your co-workers has the power to make you cry.
You don't have to curl up next to a hairy butt every night.
If you're 34 and single, nobody even notices.
You can write your name in the snow.
Everything on your face gets to stay its original color.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
Flowers fix everything.
You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
Three pairs of shoes is more than enough.
You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into a room.
You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
You can quietly watch a game with you buddy for hours without ever thinking "He must
be mad at me".
The world is your urinal.
Hot wax never comes near your pu*** area.
One mood, all the time.
You never have to drive on to another petrol station because this one's just too mankey.
You can sit with you knees apart no matter what you're wearing.
Grey hair and wrinkles only add character.
You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch adjustment.
*Posted for laughs and not to insult men! Cheers and smiles!
------------------------------------------
Women Talk Too Much
Rodney was reading the morning newspaper when he came upon a study that said women use more words than men.
Excited to prove to his wife, Cathy, his long-held contention that women in general, and Cathy in particular, talked too much, he showed her the study results.
Rodney read the report to Cathy, "Men use about 15,000 words per
day, but women use 30,000."
Cathy thought awhile, then finally she said to him, "It's because we have to repeat everything we say."
Rodney said, "What?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Cat's On The Roof
John had just won first prize at a cat show and had received a 10-day cruise to the Puerto Rico. The catch was, though, pets weren't allowed on the cruise. So John decided to leave his cat with his best friend, Al.
Al agreed to come over to John's house and live with his mom for the duration of the cruise. John told Al, "Just feed the cat three meals a day, and take good care of him. He's my prize-winning cat!" And with that, he left.
The next day, John phoned Al on his cell phone and asked, "How are things?" To which Al responded, "Things are fine."
"How's Mom?"
"Mom's fine."
"How's the cat?"
"The cat's fine." Satisfied, John hung up.
Next day, John called Al again, asking the same questions.
"How are things?"
"Things are fine."
"How's Mom?"
"Mom's fine."
"How's the cat?"
"The cat's DEAD."
"WHAT?!?" John was quite distressed. "How could you let it die?
It was my prize cat!"
"Well, John, I'm sorry, but I couldn't do anything, I didn't see it. But what I think happened was that the cat was on the roof, fell off, and broke his leg. Then, he hobbled out into the road, and got run over."
John was cooling down a bit now, and said, "Well, couldn't you have tried to break it to me over time? You could have said it bit by bit. For example, you could have first said 'The cat's on the roof', then the next day said 'The cat fell off the roof, and broke its leg', see what I'm saying."
"Yeah, yeah, I get it. See you later, John."
"Ok... bye." John hung up.
The next day, John phoned Al again.
"How are things?"
"Things are fine."
"How's Mom?"
"Umh," Al said, "Mom's on the roof."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Fairytale Couple
A couple had been married for 25 years and was celebrating the husband's 60th birthday.
During the party, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.
The wife said, "We've been so poor all these years, and I've never gotten to see the world. I wish we could travel all over the world." The fairy waved her wand and POOF! She had the tickets in her hand.
Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, and then said, "Well, I'd like to be married to a woman 30 years younger than me."
The fairy waved her wand and POOF! He was 90.
-------------------------------------------------
Here's wishing you and yours a wonderful day and a fantastic weekend!
.
