One day there was a man who was walking through the forest and got lost. He wandered around for over a week, and was beginning to starve. He spotted a Bald Eagle who had just caught a fish and chased it, hoping to get it to drop the fish so he could eat it. Then he saw the bird land on a tree stump not far from him, so he picked up a stone to toss at it--hoping the bird would be frightened and fly away without the fish. But, weak as he was, his aim was off and he hit the poor bird square on the head, and killing it.
"Well," he thought to himself, "no sense letting it go to waste, if I leave it here it will just rot, and it could save my life if I eat it."
So, he built himself a little fire--using a couple of stones and cooked the eagle to eat. While it was cooking a ranger stumbled upon the man, and when he saw what he was up to, he immediately arrested him--because as you know, that is quite illegal!
The man told the ranger what had happened, and asked for a trial so he could explain the situation to a judge.
So, the day of his trial he told the judge, "Please your Honor, it was a life or death situation! I was lost and starving, and I didn't mean to harm the bird--I only wanted the fish! And when I accidentally killed it, well, I felt terrible but couldn't see any reason to let it go to waste!"
The judge listened to the man's story and deemed him, "Not guilty, on the grounds of extenuating circumstances."
The man was very grateful, and thanked the judge for his fairness.
Then, the judge leaned over and quietly asked the man, "Just between you and me, what DOES a Bald Eagle taste like anyway??"
The man comtemplated this for a moment and then spoke, "Well, it's kind of hard to explain... but, I would say somewhere between a California Condor and a Spotted Owl."
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Three women were in a bar talking about their husbands and how they made love. The first woman said, "My husband is a psychologist, and before we make love, he brings me flowers and candy. I like that."
The second woman proclaimed, "My husband is a mechanic, he makes love a little rough, but really tunes my engine; I like that!"
The third woman replied, "Well my husband works for Microsoft and all he does is sit on the edge of the bed and tell me how good it's going to be, when I finally get it..."
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You may be a geek if....
You've ever used a computer on Friday, Saturday and Sunday of the same weekend.
You find yourself interrupting computer store salesman to correct something he said.
The first thing you notice when walking in a business is their computer system and offer advice on how you would change it.
You've ever mounted a magnetic tape reel.
You own any shareware.
You know more IP addresses than phone numbers.
You've ever accidentally dialed an IP address.
Your friends use you as tech support.
You've ever named a computer.
You have your local computer store on speed dial.
You can't carry on a conversation without talking about computers.
Co-workers have to E-mail you about the fire alarm to get you out of the building.
You've ever found "stray" diskettes when doing laundry.
Your computer has it's own phone line - but your teenager doesn't.
You check the national weather service web page for current weather conditions (rather than look out the window).
You know more URLs than street addresses.
Your pet has a web page.
You get really excited when Yahoo adds your link.
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Be Sure You Know The Subject Matter
The male teacher in a girls' school asked the science class: "Who can tell me what organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated? Mary, can you tell me?"
Mary blushed furiously as she stood up. She said: "Sir, how dare you ask such a question? I will complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal."
The male teacher was taken aback at first by Mary's reaction. Then, as understanding dawned on him, he called for another pupil, this time a volunteer.
Lily put up her hand. "Yes, Lily?"
"Sir, the correct answer is the iris of the eye."
"Very good. Thanks, Lily," said the male teacher. He then turned to the first girl, who threatened to complain to her parents and principal: "Well, Mary, I have three things to tell you: First, you have NOT done your homework. Second, you have a DIRTY mind. And thirdly, I fear, one day, you are going to be sadly disappointed."
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Heavenly Transportation
Three men die and go to heaven. At the gate St. Peter tells them, "Before you go into heaven, we are going to give you each a vehicle with which to get around. The way we determine what type of vehicle you will get is by how faithful you were to your wives. Now," he says, turning to the first man, "were you true to your wife?"
Yes, I was, St. Peter," says the first man. "I never strayed. From the day I married her to the day I died, I slept with no woman other than my wife. I loved her very deeply."
"As reward for your complete fidelity," says St. Peter, "I now give you these keys to a beautiful Roll-Royce."
The man happily accepts the keys, and St. Peter turns to the second man. "Sir," he says, "were you faithful to you wife?"
"Well, St. Peter," says the second man a little shyly, "I must admit that when I was much younger, I did stray once or twice. But I did love my wife very much, and after those minor indiscretions, I was completely faithful until my dying day."
St. Peter looks down at the man and says, "As a reward for good marital conduct, I am giving you these keys to a Pontiac."
As the man takes the keys from him St. Peter turns to the third man. "Sir," he says, "were you faithful to you wife?"
"St. Peter," says the man, "I screwed everything I could, every chance I got. There wasn't a week of my marriage that I didn't sleep with someone other than, wife. But I must admit to you, St. Peter, that it was a problem I had, because I really did love my wife very much."
"Well," says St. Peter, "we do know that you did love your wife and that does count for something, so this is what you get." With that he rolls out a ten-speed bicycle and gives it to the man.
The gates of heaven open, and the three men enter.
Some time later the man on the bicycle is riding along, when he sees that the man with the Rolls Royce has pulled over and is sitting on the bumper of his car. He is sobbing uncontrollably.
The man pulls his bicycle up next to the car and says, "Hey, pal, what's the matter? What could possibly be wrong? You have a beautiful Rolls Royce to drive around in?"
"I know," says the man through his sobs, "but I just saw my wife on roller skates!"
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Washing The Dog
A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner "Mom & Pop" grocery picking out a pretty good size box of laundry detergent.
The grocer walked over, and, trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.
"Oh, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog."
"But you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him."
But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.
About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.
"Oh, he died," the boy said.
The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog."
"Well," the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him."
"Oh? What was it then?"
"I think it was the spin cycle!"
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Have a lovely evening, dear reader!
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