Two doctors opened an office in a small town and put upa sign reading "Dr.Smith and Dr.Jones, - Psychiatry and Proctology." The town council was not too happy with that sign, so the doctors changed it to"Hysteria's and Posteriors". This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to "Schizoids and Hemerrhoids". No go.
Next they tried "Catatonics and High Colonics". Thumbs down again.
Then came "Manic-depressives and Anal retentives" Still not good.
How about "Minds and Behinds" ? Unacceptable again.
So they tried "Lost Souls and Ass Holes" Still no go.
Nor did "Analysis and Anal Cysts", "Nuts and Butts", "Freaks and Cheeks", "Loons and Moons" work either.
Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finaly came up with a busines slogan they thought might be acceptable to the council,
"Dr.Smith and Dr.Jones........Odds and Ends." APPROVED!!
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After a British Airways Flight reached its cruising altitude the Captain announced :
Ladies and Gentlemen this your captain speaking, Welcome to flight 293 non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto,we are now cruising at 35,000 feet, the weather ahead is good so we should have a quiet,uneventful flight, so sit back , relax and .......OH MY GOD !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Silence followed..........
Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom.
Ladies and Gentlemen I'm sorry if I scared you, while I was talking to you a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee on my lap, you should see the front of my pants !!!!!!!!!
An Irish passenger at the back yelled...........
Jaysus, you should see the back of mine !
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KIDS IN CHURCH - I posted some of these before but they are so delightful so I am reposting again....
3-year-old Reese :
'Our Father, Who does art in heaven, Harold is His name. Amen.'
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One particular four-year-old prayed, 'And forgive us our trash baskets, as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.'
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A little boy was overheard praying: 'Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am.'
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After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied, 'That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, And I wanted to stay with you guys.'
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A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service,
'And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?'
One bright little girl replied, 'Because people are sleeping.'
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A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.
Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. 'If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,'Ryan , you be Jesus !'
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A father was at the beach with his children when the four-year-old son ran up to him,
grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
'Daddy, what happened to him?' the son asked.
'He died and went to Heaven,' the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said, 'Did God throw him back down?'
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A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,'Would you like to say the blessing?'
'I wouldn't know what to say,' the girl replied..
'Just say what you hear Mommy say,' the wife answered
The daughter bowed her head and said, 'Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?'
For a few days already, I had been looking forward to a concert that I attended last night. Being the arty-farty person that I am, I even bought a new outfit to celebrate what I thought would be an evening filled with beautiful vocal harmony and music. I rushed to finish my post on DO WE HAVE THE GUTS TO DO IT?, put on my new clothes and together with my family drove to meet two other friends at Kapitan's for a pre-concert dinner.
Dinner was quite a disappointment as the tandoori chicken was half-cooked and mild while the mango lassi was dilute and quite bland unlike the thick juicy lassi that we normally enjoyed there before. Yet, it was the company that made the dinner bearable as the food did not taste as bad when we were laughing and joking away. Later, another former student joined us and we were easily the noisiest lot in the crowded restaurant.
Soon after, we drove to the venue filled with feelings of excitement and anticipation. Upon arrival, we collected our tickets and each received a complimentary set of cards. When the door was opened, we were the first few to be seated smack in the centre just behind where the key personnel were seated. The hall was less than one-third full. My heart sank as I wondered the reason for the poor turnout.
All of us had absolutely no idea as to what the opera was about safe for the title and the logo and that it was a contemporary opera. Since the logo looked pretty professional from the graphics viewpoint, I foolishly thought all would be well.
As we sat down, we looked at the bare set. I am fine with that having ventured into modern/contemporary theatrical productions. Less is better than more. Five hanging microphones could be seen and I thought those would be sufficient to pick up the voices. I was so wrong. The lighting was unimpressive and there was a very sombre mood with the dull bluish tinge of spotlight that later changed into a brighter amber glow that did not do much for the ambiance of the scenes.
The first few strains of music began and it was a blend of western and eastern music which crescendoed into a cacophony of sorts drowning the vocals completely. Serious. The loud music almost completely obliterated the attempts of any semblance of singing. The acoustics of the hall were good and the sound system crystal clear but what happened? I am sure they would have run sound checks before each production so what went wrong? In sound checking in an empty hall scenario, we normally factor in the absorption of voices by the physical presence of the audience. However, since the hall was less than one-third full, the volume of music should have been lowered within the first ten minutes. Why didn't the directors signal to the crew to adjust the volume of the music?
Shock and bewilderment filled all our faces as we looked at each other in stupor. What on earth were the cast members garbling? We saw before us mouths that were moving but the words were quite incomprehensible and there was no form or pattern of notes in the tuneless 'songs' being sung. We tried our best to endure the torture of listening to harmony that did not harmonise. Experimental theatre in the newest form? Perhaps.
The soundtrack for the whole production was synthesized music that was mainly discordant in nature with seemingly less consideration for the finer points of musical quality, harmony or form. Besides, the choice of instrumentation used for sequences was also disappointing. However, I must say that some sequences were effective, especially the dying strains to scenes and dramatic parts that helped to embellish the drama of the moment.
Apart from that, the choreography did not make sense at all. Why did the singers keep standing on one leg that reminded me so much of a certain animal about to you-know-what? Sighs. In one scene, they even shuffled like geisha girls with no semblance at all to the characters they were playing. Jumping jacks was a popular stance throughout the opera. Hmm...
In terms of vocals, one of the girls sang in such an affected manner moving her shoulders and upper torso meaninglessly that the hair on my nape stood on ends. Facial expressions of the players were inconsistent in that some were in character while others too affected and exaggerated. Only two singers stood out - a lead female and the other male singer who is an old friend. At least what they sang was audible and comprehensible. In fact, the girl has a very powerful, beautiful and expressive voice of a rich and refined quality.
Costume-wise, the girls wore linen wrap-around trousers in three earth tones and the two guys wore the same shade. All tops were white but the relationship between the choice of costumes and the theme, setting and characterization just did not gel at all.
I do not want to rant further out of respect for theatre. As one who grew up and had many opportunities in dramatic and musical productions, I am well aware of the effort that the crew and players must have put in and I applaud their diligence and tolerance of inherent weaknesses all for the love of theatre.
When the music stopped, we waited for bated breath for the door to open and we were the first to scurry away, with heads hung low, hearts filled with great disappointment. I had spent some time to persuade my dear spouse to come along and like the rest of us, he was downcast with the letdown of what should have been a beautiful evening.
In all sincerity, I truly hope that theatrical productions will consider whether its form and structure can appeal to the audience and to ensure that technical glitches do not mar the effort of the cast to give their best in the arts. The arts scene in Penang is very sterile unlike in Selangor or Wilayah Persekutuan which has a dynamic and more lively arts scene that can foster growth and development of local talent. Such a production certainly does not do much for the local scene in Penang.
