One of the things I dread most about the end of the year would be all the feasting that begins with Christmas Eve right till New Year's Day. Just when we sort out the fats and barely manage to wriggle into that pair of jeans again, it's Chinese New Year. Here's a selection of funny stuff about diet diaries and diets. Have fun reading and keep smiling. Happy New Year!
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A Really Funny Diet Diary
The following is a diary extract from someone somewhere who somehow gained weight during December's festivities and now needs to work it off so as to get into her clothes.
Also all those of you out there joining fitness classes and clubs as a New Year resolution should, perhaps, read this first:
Dear Diet Diary Torturer Gym
As a Christmas present this year, my daughter, [what a thoughtful darling] bought for me a week of personal training at the local health club. Although I am still in reasonable shape since being a high school cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Carlos Santa [ooh what a name] who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started. The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
Monday
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Carlos waiting for me. Wow - an Adonis-like hunk with curly hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Yippee!
Carlos gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skilful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Carlos [call me Carl by now] was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my stomach was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FABULOUS week! My New Year resolutions will be easy.
Tuesday Dieting
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out of the door. Carl made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air. Later he put weights on it. My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Carl's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.
Wednesday
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. Carl was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning; and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Carl put me on the stair 'monster'. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Carl told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other garbage too.
Thursday
Carl was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes. That man then took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent a skinny woman to find me. Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine - which I sank.
Friday
I hate that man, Toady or whatever his name is, more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. He is a stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little bighead. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. Toady wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the flippin' barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on the health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
Saturday
That person, that Toady, left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.
Sunday
I'm having the Church bus collect me up so I can go to services today and thank God that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter [the cruel, whingeing creep] will choose a gift for me that is fun: like root canal treatment or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!
:-) Comments from any reader is most welcome.
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Diet to Start the New YearFunny New Year Resolutions - Diet
This is a specially formulated diet designed to help WOMEN cope with the stress that builds during the day. I have found that this really works!!
BREAKFAST
* 1 Grapefruit
* 1 slice whole-wheat toast
* 1 cup skim milk
LUNCH
* 1 small portion lean, steamed chicken with a cup of spinach
* 1 cup herbal tea
* 1 Penguin Biscuit
AFTERNOON TEA
* The rest of the Penguins from the packet
* 1 tub of Gino Ginelli ice cream with chocolate topping
DINNER
* 4 bottles of wine (red or white)
* 2 loaves garlic bread
* 1 family size Supreme pizza
* 3 snickers bars
LATE NIGHT SNACK
* 1 whole cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)
FINALLY REMEMBER:
* "Stressed" spelled backwards is desserts".
* Send this to four women and you will lose 2 kilograms.
* Send this to all the women you know (or ever knew) and you will lose 10kg
* IF you delete this message you will gain 10 kilograms.
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Smile a lot and stay happy. Have a lovely start to 2010!
It's the first day of 2010 and I am sure at the time of posting, many of you are still in bed snoozing or for some, trying to snooze after partying the whole night. To kick off the new year, here's a selection of great jokes to keep you smiling. Happy 2010 everyone and may this year bring us and the nations we belong to, showers of blessings everyday of our lives. Take care and stay happy always!
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A New Year Prayer for the Elderly
God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones that I do,
And the eyesight to tell the difference.
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Dear Lord
So far this year I've done well.
I haven't gossiped, I haven't lost my temper, I haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or overindulgent. I'm very thankful for that. But in a few minutes, Lord, I'm going to get out of bed, and from then on I'm probably going to need a lot more help.
Amen
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Wise Words to Start the New Year
* The early worm gets eaten!
* There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is in having lots to do and not doing it.
* Never argue with a fool, people may not know the difference.
* Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself).
* You can't skip and be unhappy at the same time.
* I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.
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New Year - Key Questions
The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter. Mark Twain
How to Tell That You have Entered a New Year:
* You enter your password on the microwave.
* You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.
* You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of four.
* You call your son's beeper to let him know it's time to eat. He 'phones you back from his bedroom, 'What's for dinner?'
* You chat several times a day with a stranger from Canada, but you haven't spoken with your next door neighbour all last year.
* Your daughter just bought a CD of all the records your college roommate used to play.
* You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea.
* Your grandmother clogs up your e-mail inbox asking you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.
* You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.
* Every commercial on television has a website address at the bottom of the screen.
* You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid.
* The concept of using real money instead of credit or debit to make a purchase is foreign to you.
* Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
* Your idea of being organised is multi-coloured Post-it notes.
* You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.
* You're reading this.
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Have a lovely day, dear reader and HAPPY NEW YEAR AGAIN!!!
