JOKES ABOUT MEN FOR MEN AND WOMEN :-)

Posted by Unknown On Friday, January 15, 2010 39 comments

I have always thought that I make a better man than I do as a woman :-) because of my in-born traits. Although I may appear subdued and er *cough* gentle in my posts, in real life, I can be quite an aggressive character. However, after being married to my dear husband for over 26 years, his mild characteristics and gentle nature has sort of influenced me so I have become more er...feminine *ahem* and normal in recent years :-). I always get along better with men than I do with women with the exception of Angela, my dearest friend, without whom I would not be where I am today. I have many good male friends and find that they are very easy-going and forgiving in nature...so this post is dedicated to all GUYS to make you laugh a lot and also to WOMEN - to make them remember that men - we can't live without them!!!
As always, my intention is to inject humor into cyberspace and not to offend anyone! Serious! Take care and have a lovely day! Cheers!

*Please do not imagine I have warped thinking LOL!!! It is up to you how you wish to interpret these onliners hehehe...
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Men are like ...Laxatives.

They irritate the sh*t out of you.

Men are like ... Bananas.

The older they get, the less firm they are. Ahem. I am talking about their character!!!

Men are like ... Bank Machines.

Once they withdraw, they lose interest.

Men are like ... Weather.

Nothing can be done to change them.

Men are like ... Blenders.

You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

Men are like ... Chocolate Bars.

Sweet, smooth and they usually head right for your hips.

Men are like ... Coffee.

The best ones are rich, warm and can keep you awake all night.

Men are like ... Commercials.

You can't believe a word they say.

Men are like ... Department Stores.

Their clothes are always half off.

Men are like ... Government Bonds.

They take so long to mature.

Men are like ... Horoscopes.

They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

Men are like ... Mascara.

They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like ... Popcorn.

They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Men are like ... Lava Lamps.

Fun to look at, but not very bright.

Men are like ... Parking Spots.

All the good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped

So what do you girls think this is . . . is it true or not ? . . .

I hope the guys out there can write something along these lines about WOMEN. I am very sporting and game to accept wisecracks all in good fun! Take care and have a lovely day!


WARRANTY CARD ON ELECTED OFFICIAL - humor

Posted by Unknown On 14 comments

With all the absurd incidents happening around us, I thought I'd post a satirical piece to give us some comic relief lest we go bonkers with frustration. Yes, I know I can be a madcap sometimes. :-) If only such warranty cards existed - what a wonderful world it would be! Take care and laugh a lot to forget our troubles and cares! Have a nice day!

* This warranty card was posted and adapted for HUMOR and not to deride anyone.
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Dear Voter,

Congratulations on the choice of your genuine Government Official. With regular maintenance your Government Official[tm] should provide you with a lifetime of sweetheart deals, insider information, preferential legislation and other fine services. Before you begin using your product, we would appreciate it if you would take the time to fill out this customer service card. This information will not be sold to any other party, and will be used solely to aid us in better fulfilling your future needs in political influence.

1. Which of our fine products did you buy?

City Council Official
Village penghulu
Senator
State Assemblyman
Member of Parliament
Cabinet Secretary - Commerce
Cabinet Secretary - Other
Other Elected Official (please specify)
Other Appointed Official (please specify)

2. How did you hear about your Government Official? Please check all that apply.

TV ad.
Magazine/newspaper ad.
Shared jail cell with.
Former law partner of.
Unindicted co-conspirator with.
Crony of
Procured for
Related to
Recommended by lobbyist.
Recommended by organized crime figure.
Frequently mentioned in conspiracy theories. (On Internet.)
Frequently mentioned in conspiracy theories. (Elsewhere.)
Spoke at fundraiser at my temple.
Solicited bribe from me.
Attempted to seduce me.

3. How do you expect to use your Government Official? (Please check all that apply.)

Obtain lucrative government contracts.
Have my prejudices turned into law.
Obtain diplomatic concessions.
Obtain trade concessions.
Have embargo lifted from own nation/ally.
Have embargo imposed on enemy/rival nation/religious infidels.
Obtain patronage job for self/spouse/mistress.
Forestall military action against self/allies.
Instigate military action against internal enemies/aggressors/targets for future conquest.
Impede criminal/civil investigation of self/associates/spouse.
Obtain pardon for self/associates/spouse.
Inflict punitive legislation on class enemies/rivals/hated ethnic groups.
Inflict punitive regulation on business competitors/environmental exploiters/capitalist pigs.

4. What factors influenced your purchase? (Please check all that apply.)

Performance of currently owned model.
Reputation.
Price.
Appearance.
Party affiliation.
Professed beliefs of Government Official[tm].
Actual beliefs of Government Official[tm].
Orders from boss/superior officer/foreign government.
Blackmail.
Celebrity endorsement.

5. Is this product intended as a replacement for a currently owned Government Official?

If you answered "yes," please indicate your reason(s) for changing models.

Excessive operating / maintenance costs.
Needs have grown beyond capacity of current model.
Defect in current model:
Dead.
Senile.
Indicted.
Convicted.
Resigned in disgrace.
Switched parties / beliefs.
Outbribed by competing interest.

Thank you for your valuable time.

Always remember: in choosing a Government Official, you have chosen the best politician that money can buy!

_________________________________________________________________

The intention of this post is to humor and not to ridicule anyone, in particular any politician (former, present or budding politicians included). My apologies if this has offended anyone. Strictly for humor and laughter only!!! Thanks and have a nice day!


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