Lately, I have been doing lots of soul-searching - asking myself lots of questions, thinking things through and talking to different people to explore different perspectives of life and the political landscape. There is so much of life to live and even though I am in my late 40's, it almost seems as though I have barely begun to live. Yet, in retrospect, there have been so many lessons that I have learnt so far.
It is past four a.m.now and I just spent a long time chatting with my goddaughter who is in a fix because of a relationship. I have seen her grow up from a scrawny kid to a lovely woman doing her doctorate and it breaks my heart to know that the two of them are pushing each other away because of their insecurities. I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All we can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them. Truly, I hope the two of them will finally, even after more than ten years, come to terms with the fact that they love each other and that they will get married and I can go to US to attend the wedding and be the matron-of- honor!!!
Sometimes in life, the ones we love may not reciprocate accordingly and it hurts if they push us away. I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people just don't care back. I have had experiences with people with whom I could click with and then a hiccup happened and they reacted negatively. It hurt. Really. I apologized and moved forward to reach out but the more I reached out, the more they backed off. With much pain in my heart, I also stepped back.
In the past I would feel upset. In retrospect, I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it. I've learned that it's not what you have in your life, but who you have in your life that counts. And I reflect and count my blessings for friends who accept me as I am - blogging mania, eccentricities, idiosyncrasies and all.
I oft wondered what did I do that was wrong and USED to compare myself to the best of what others can do and would fret and lose sleep over it. Now, I realize - heck - everyone is different so I celebrate the diversity of life and people.
After over four decades, it is funny how one small act in an instant can give me a heartache for life. And if I didn't let go, I learned that I would take a long time to become the person I want to be or can be. Indeed, I have let go of many things and have blogged about it a couple of times in various posts.
Just two days ago, I posted something on TOMORROW IS NEVER PROMISED and I've learned that I should always leave loved ones with loving words for we never know if it may be the last time I see them. I will never forget that the last time I told my dad "I love you' was on Sept 26th 2007 and then he died on Oct 15th 2007. I never had a chance to tell him before he died because he had slipped into a coma after a fall and died the next day. :-( To this day, I tell my loved ones EVERYDAY that I love them for indeed, tomorrow is never promised.!
In my younger days, I used to be such an emo queen ( I am still emo sometimes but to a lesser degree) and it is funny how no matter how I thought I could not bear the pain, somehow, something in me kept me going long after I thought I couldn't last. And it was then I realized that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel. I had to make a conscious decision to control my attitude lest I allow it to control and inhibit me from growing into a better, stronger and wiser person.
And then there is the usual pipe dream of my husband being the gallant knight in shining armor riding on a white horse to whisk me to fairy land. In my younger days, I used to ask him -
"Oh! Why don't you kiss me like that...?" while watching a romantic movie and he would nonchalantly say,
"Hai, that is only in the movies. Reality is not like that." I still wish he would kiss me like that :-) but I've learned that just because he doesn't love me the way I want him to doesn't mean he doesn't love me with all that he has. I know he does. Any man who can survive masterwordsmith for over 33 years must have the highest degree of patience, tolerance, long suffering and most of all, love that endures! :-)
Has my growth thus far been quite retarded? Perhaps. At least now, I know I am becoming who I can be, want to be and will be. Maturity is derived from precious life experiences and not the candles on our birthday cake.
At this stage of my life, I live like a recluse with only a few friends in Penang as most have migrated thanks to the current circumstances!!! Yet, I have also made some very precious friends with blog readers and truly, blogging has opened a new dimension of life for me. This blog gives me the outlet to rant, to write, to be crazy and to just be who I am and to do the little I can to effect change in this country. And I am thankful for your patience with me. My husband will say -
"Hoi - How come from a political post you can swing to jokes or about life?" My response - this is me and you know it. Thank you that despite the variety of stuff I post, you are still reading the rants of a very eccentric old lady!
To be honest, there have been times when there is a lapse in my writing or my moods. I guess regular readers would be able to feel the shift in the tone or momentum or the focus. Unspoken words are there and I know you know how I feel. Yet, I know that no matter how badly my heart is broken or grieved, the world doesn't stop for my grief. And so I move on....and here I am still blogging as if tomorrow might never come!
Ultimately, our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become. Sometimes, like now, with the current situation which looks so hopeless and I tell myself
"Golly - I don't know what to write any more or how to express my deep grief and disappointment! Is there any more that I can give or write?"Amazingly, I find within myself, the strength to move on, to continue the fight....and you know what? Having fantastic blog readers like you makes such a tremendous difference to me because so many of you stop by to leave a comment, to share your thoughts, views, your rants etc.. and I suddenly realize - I AM NOT ALONE...There is someone out there who feels the same way as I do albeit in different degrees and cares enough to leave an inspiring comment even if I do not know your identity. Thank you, dear reader, for that act of kindness and words of inspiration and strength. You may never know how deeply you have touched my heart.
Sometimes, people ask me, "Why do you respond to all your readers?" The truth is, I am responding with my heart. When I say, thanks for your passionate response - it is because I feel the passion in your writing...or the wit or humor or the strength or whatever!!! Life is so precious, dear reader. There is so much I have learnt of late and I know I could never have done it without you, my dear blog readers and those who have become friends. It is almost 5am and I need to sleep. But before I do, I just want to say "Thanks for who you are, for reading my blog, for sharing your comment, for accepting my idiosyncrasies, mood swings, typo errors and all :-) - and for making me more than who I used to be....Take care and have a good day!!!
As always, do leave a comment because I would love to hear from you. Have a great day!
