Having been in the education sector since 1988, I was not surprised when Freddie sent me the following post. I have my own collection of quotable quotes which I may publish one day as "Confessions of a Disillusioned Lecturer". While some of you may laugh at this list, rest assured - the situation is worse on the home front!! In the mean time, smile while reading this list. Don't laugh too loudly :-)! Enjoy the rest of the evening!
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The following questions were set in last year's GCSE examination in Swindon,
Wiltshire (U.K.)
These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)
Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar
Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists
Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q. What causes the tides in the oceans?
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight.
Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed.
Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
Q. What are steroids?
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now ,there is little hope)
Q. What happens to your body as you age?
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
Q Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A. Premature death
Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)
Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)?
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I, O and U. (What the ??)
Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie
Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby
Q. What is the most common form of birth control?
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (That would work)
Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)
Q. What is a terminal illness?
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)
Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas.
Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.
Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head
The past eight days and nights have been an utter nightmare for me thanks to the 14 power outages (four - last night) in my neighbourhood and also low voltage problems. It was most embarrassing as I had guests from overseas who had just arrived at my home after dinner. Before we left for dinner, there was already a power cut.
The heroes of the nightBefore we left the restaurant, we called TNB to ensure they had restored the power supply. After they reassured us that all was well, we went home happily for a jam/singing session followed by wine and chit-chat. Alas, after we arrived home for five minutes and when I was taking out my Bailey's Cream, whisky and red wine - poooff -darkness filled the air. After a few telephone calls and two more outages after they restored supply, we gave up hope and refused to allow the power failures to mar our mood. With a small torch shining down on my piano keys, I played the piano while my friend Marcel strummed his guitar in the darkness with much gusto. Together with my hubby, Philip and Elizabeth, we sang our hearts out in three-part harmony - hits from Simon & Garfunkel, Bee Gees, Cliff Richard, Richie Valens, and many other oldies. I am blessed to have old friends like them who, in the last 32 years, did not desert me during my moments of darkness - both literally and figuratively.
I cannot explain how distressed I have been with the gross inefficiency of TNB and am meeting the head on Tuesday morning together with some neighbours to ask them for a legitimate explanation as to why the 12 houses where I live have had the misfortune of living with such power outages!!! To explain what I went through and the many versions of explanations different personnel gave would probably need two blog posts and I will not bore you with such depressing details. Instead, enjoy the following joke sent to me by Angela which just about sums up the foibles of Malaysians!!
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A Malaysian dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country. He goes first to the German hell and asks: "What do they do here?".
He is told : "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."
The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on.
He checks out the American, English, Singapore, French as well as the Russian hell and many more. He discovers that they are more or less the same as the German hell.
Then he comes to the Malaysian hell and finds that there is a very long line of people waiting to get in.
Amazed he asks "What do they do here?"
He is told "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Malaysian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."
"But that is exactly the same as all the other hells - why are there so many people waiting to get in? "
"Because maintenance is so bad that the electric chair does not work, someone has stolen all the nails from the bed, and the devil is a former Government servant, so he comes in, signs the register, then goes to the canteen for teh-tarik..."
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What do you think? Please leave a comment if you wish to share your experiences/views and thoughts. Thanks! Have a nice day! Cheers!
For as long as I can remember, I have often tried to understand why men are so different from women. It almost seems as though women speak in oestrogen and men listen in testosterone. So here's a post that will surely make your eyes pop out while you consider why men and women speak in different languages. Have a great day!
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Things Men need To Know About Style
1. Yes, Homer Simpson is funny - but not on your tie.
2. Only consider tucking your jumper into your jeans if you're a vicar.
3. Getting your girlfriend to iron your jeans is unacceptable. Ironing them yourself is evidence of an unsound mind.
4. Cowboy boots - NO!!!
5. Pointy lace-up shoes make women retch.
6. Going bald ? - shave it off for God's sake.
7. Never take your top off in public, unless you've just won Wimbledon.
8. Donald Duck socks do not reflect your individuality nor the wild side of your corporate façade. They do, however, mean your mother still dresses you or you wish she did.
9. Socks and sandals - lovely on Germans.
10. .A jester hat does not make a man wacky. Even Noddy Holder regrets the 70s.
11. Speedos are only acceptable on Olympic swimmers......
12. as are medallions.....
13. ....and tracksuit tops and bottoms.
14. Do you have a grey, red and black asymmetrical duvet?? Habitat helpline 0845 601 0740
15. Open shirts: one button open = professional; two buttons = casual; three = oversharing.
16. Tight sleeveless muscle t-shirts are only ok if you're 17, can do the running-on-the-spot dance at the drop of a hat, and are a member of NSync
17. Those fold-up scooters + middle thirties exec = tosser.
18. Here's a startling fact guys: Lara Croft isn't real. And Angelina is: a) an actress and b) married.
19. Is your definition of "new season shopping" buying the Man Utd kit? Please seek professional help.
20. Unless you own a rap empire, leave the chunky gold bracelet and "ice" ring in the window of H.Samuel where it can live a long and happy life doing no-one any harm....
21. You'll NEVER pull if you put your mobile in the mobile phone pocket of your combats.
22. Bleached blonde hair. If it doesn't work for Eddie Irvine, it's not going to do it for you.
23. Chinos - fashionable for 6 months in 1989 and that was it
Things Women need To Know About Style
1. Show more cleavage
2. Wear shorter skirts
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The Flight Controller
It can happen to any of us, but when the crew of a United States airliner made a wrong turn during taxying and came nose to nose with another aircraft, the furious ground controller screamed:
"
Continuing her verbal lashing of the embarrassed crew, she shouted "You've screwed everything up. It'll take forever to sort this out. You stay right there and don't move until I tell you to. You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half-an-hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you and how I tell you. You got that?"
Naturally, the frequency went very quiet until an unknown male pilot broke the silence and asked:
"Wasn't I married to you once?"
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One day in Eden
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God...
"Lord, I have a problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you." "What's a 'man', Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat,and be vain glorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such in a way that he will satisfy your ah, physical needs. He'll be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly.
"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.
"What's the catch, Lord?"
"Yeah, well.... you can have him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?"
"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring...So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first...So, just remember... it's a secret...
*posted for laughs
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How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb?
ONE!!
And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS.
But if they did, by some miracle, find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID xxxxxxx LIGHT BULBS CAME IN. WHY??? BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! THE HOUSE!!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS. That's how many.
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:-) This post is not intended as a form of blasphemy but solely for entertainment and humor. Please leave a comment if you wish to share your thoughts. Thanks and have a nice day!
