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Ah Beng always smiles during lightning storms because he thinks his picture is being taken.


Why can't Ah Beng dial 9-11?
Because he can't find the number 11 (eleven) on the phone.

Ah Beng urgently needed a few days off work, but he knew the Boss would not allow him to take leave. He thought that maybe if he acted "CRAZY" then the boss would tell him to take a few days off.

So he hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises.

His co-worker (Ms Lian) asked him what is he doing?

He told her that he is pretending to be a light bulb so that the boss would think he was "CRAZY" and give him a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, "What are you doing?" He told him that he is a light bulb. The boss said "You are clearly stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days".

Ah Beng jumped down and walked out of the office.

When his co-worker (Ms Lian) followed him out, the Boss asked her "...And where do you think you're going?"

She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!

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Ah Beng with two red ears went to his doctor.
The doctor asked him what had happened to his ears and he answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone ring, lah - but instead of picking up the phone, I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear, lah"
"Oh dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But ... what happened to the other ear?"
Ah Beng answered : "That stupid dumbo called back, lah !!!!"

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Ah Beng talk to a long-distance telephone operator.
Ah Beng : "COULD YOU PLEASE TELL ME THE TIME DIFFERENCE BETWEEN TAIPEI AND LAS VEGAS ?"
Operator : "JUST A MINUTE..."
Ah Beng : "THANK YOU , lah" AND PUTS DOWN THE PHONE.

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After completing a jigsaw puzzle he'd been working on for quite some time, Ah Beng proudly shows off the finished puzzle to a friend.

"It took me ONLY 5 MONTHS TO DO IT", Ah Beng brags.

"FIVE MONTHS? THAT'S TOO LONG", the friend exclaims.

"YOU ARE A FOOL." Ah Beng replies, "SEE THIS BOX, IT IS WRITTEN FOR 4-7 YRS".

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At a bar in New York, the man to Ah Beng's left tells the bartender, JOHNNIE WALKER, SINGLE"
and his companion says, "JACK DANIELS, SINGLE".
The bartender approaches Ah Beng and asks, "AND YOU, SIR ?"
Ah Beng replies : "Tan Ah Beng, MARRIED lah"

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Some classic Ah Beng jokes


Why did Ah Beng go to a movie with his 18 friends?
Because below 18 not allowed Lah !

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Ah Beng wants to buy a TV set. He goes to a shop.
Ah Beng : "Do you have color TV ?"
Salesgirl : "Yes !"
Ah Beng : "Give me a green one, please "

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Ah Beng goes to a store and sees a shiny object.
Ah Beng : "What is that shiny object ?"
Salesgirl : "That is a thermos flask."
Ah Beng : "What does it do ?"
Salesgirl : "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold"
Ah Beng : "I'll buy it"
The next day, Ah Beng goes to work with his thermo flask.
Boss : "What is that shiny object ?"
Ah Beng : "It's a thermos flask."
Boss : "What does it do ?"
Ah Beng : "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold"
Boss : "What do you have in it?"
Ah Beng : "Two cups of coffee and one cup of ice cream"

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After making photocopies of documents, Ah Beng always compares it with the original for spelling mistakes.

Ah Beng is filling up an application form for a job.
He supplied the information for the columns on Name, Age, Address, etc.
Then he comes to column on "Salary Expected", but he is not sure of the question.
After much thought, he writes "Yes"

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Ah Beng had just bought a new computer and was using it. When he encountered some problems. He decide to use the 'Help' command. Soon after, he became very irritated and called the computer retailer for support.
Ah Beng : "I press the 'F1' key for help lah, but it's been over half an hour and still nobody come and help me Lah ?!"

Ah Beng comes back to his car and finds a note saying ‘Parking Fine’

He writes a note and sticks it to a pole ‘Thanks for complement.’

_____________________________

Ah Lian called Ah Beng over the telephone.

Lian: " Beng, I can't get my new jig saw puzzle fixed, mah-chiam all the edges cannot fix together, leh."

Beng: " Jig saw puzzle si mi picture, ha?"

Lian: " The box show a big rooster, kanna like the one you see in comics lah."

Beng: "Okay, lah, okay, lah. I come over to hepchu, lah."

Ah Beng arrives at Ah Lian's place, where she happily leads him to the kitchen table where the jigsaw puzzle is.

Ah Beng examines the puzzle and says, " Kan ni neh, put back the corn flakes into the box, lah."
___________________________

The Jigsaw Part 2

Jigsaw Puzzle

After completing a jigsaw puzzle he'd been working on for quite some time, Ah Beng proudly shows off the finished puzzle to a friend.

"It took me only 5 months to do it", Ah Beng brags.

"Five months? That's too long", the friend exclaims.

"You are a fool" Ah Beng replies, "See this on the box, it is written "For 4-7 Years".

Photocopy Mistakes

After taking photocopies of documents, Ah Beng always compares it with the original for spelling mistakes.

Famous Photos

Ah Beng always smiles during lightning storms because he thinks his picture is being taken.

911

Why can't Ah Beng dial 911?

Because he can't find the number 11 (eleven) on the phone.


A Seamen's Tale  

Ah Beng, Mohammad and Muthu were at sea when they were hijacked by a group of pirates.

The pirates cornered the 3 men and said "Give us all your valuables!" The chief pirate then raised a syringe and added, "Or else we'll inject you with the AIDS virus!"

Mohammad quickly stripped off all his valuables and handed them to the pirates. Satisfied, they threw him into the sea.

Muthu was equally quick to comply with the pirates' wishes. Similarly, he removed his valuables and surrendered them to the pirates. Like Mohammad, he was thrown into the sea.

Finally it came to Ah Beng's turn. He stared at the pirates and sneered. "You all kee see lah! (go and die!) Inject, inject lah, you'll never get my lolex and my JPG warret!"

The pirates, showing no mercy, injected Ah Beng with the HIV virus, and robbed him of his precious watch and wallet. They then threw him into the sea with the rest.

In the water, both Mohammad and Muthu commended Ah Beng for his bravery. However, they were pretty perplexed by why he was unafraid of the virus. Grinning, Ah Beng answered, "AIDS I not scared, what... I got condom!!!"

Ah Beng's Job Interview 

Ah Beng went for an job interview for a sales job. When the manager saw Ah Beng's colourful attire, his mind screamed, "Not this man!!"

Nevertheless he still had to entertain Ah Beng. So he told Ah Beng, "If you can form a sentence using the words I give you, then I will give you a chance!"

"The words are "Green, Pink, Yellow, Blue, White, Purple, Black".

Ah Beng thought for a while and said "I heard the phone go green, green, and then I went to pink up the phone and said Yellow. Blue's that? White did you say? Aiyah, wrong number. Don't purplely disturb people and don't call Black, ok?"

Ah Beng got the job.

Oh, My Lurf, My Ah Beng

One evening, Ah Beng and Ah Seng went to a lounge and requested the DJ to play the song "Ah Cheng Buey Lo Ti" (Ah Cheng buys bread). The DJ told them they only played English songs and asked them to request another song. They were upset and complained to the manager that the DJ was insulting them. After many hours of calming them down, the manager found out they were actually requesting the Righteous Brothers' song, "Unchained Melody".


Ah Beng: Up in Smoke

Long time ago, a rich Singapore tycoon wanted to know how happy a man could be if he was given one wish.
He paid 3 people to test out his experiment:

The rules were:
1. Each person could only have 1 wish.
2. They will be left on a deserted island for 30 years.
3. Food, but not liquor would be provided.

The first contestant, Billy Klinton (USA) asked for the 30 prettiest PLAYBOY centrefolds: " So I can make the most beautiful babies in the world."

The second contestant, Jon Mayjor (UK) said, "I want 30 years' supply of booze."

The last contestant ,Ah Beng (Singapore) said," I want 30 years' supply of Saa-lim (Salem) cigarettes so I can smoke until I song-song"

Thirty years later, the 3 contestants came back for a press conference.

Billy had with him 200 children and 30 estranged women. He remarked, " It has been a long sexual experience for me and I was wondering whether anyone would care to buy a child. I will even throw in the mother for free !"

Jon, hanging on to a bottle of beer, was suffering from a hangover but he managed to utter these words. " God save the Beer ! The Queen can drink sea water. "

The last contestant, Ah Beng, hugging onto cartons of Salem shouted, "Ni na beh! Buay kee gia lighter!!!" (@#$*! Forgot to bring lighter!)