masterwordsmith-unplugged

As a mother of two boys, I can vouch that it is not easy to talk to our children if we do not have the right frame of mind or method to express our feelings, voice our concerns or to make suggestions. Needless to say, I made many blunders with my older one, especially when he was young and I was a young mother.

By the grace of God, I have learned many lessons along the way, and my older boy and I have a very good relationship now, much to the surprise of those who know us from the 1990s. In fact, he used to joke and say that he was the guinea pig for my experiments in parenting skills and the younger brother is enjoying the benefits of the lessons I learned. That's the thing about parenting - it is like making pancakes :-). We mess up with the first one, and the subsequent ones get increasingly better. Whatever it takes, let me assure that one of the greatest treasures in my life is my family and believe me, it takes great effort and loads of patience, wisdom, strength and time to build a happy family.


So, for today, I would like to share with you some of the precious lessons I learned as a mother. To me, parenting is the toughest job in the world, in particular, that of a full-time mother :-)...in that it is very alienating (because moms without maids don't have time to socialize), taxing (no medical leave or annual leave), demanding (on call 24/7), tiring (we have to multi-task) etc etc... Of course, fathers are important as well but the range of responsibilities and other related issues are quite different, although similarities do exist. Ok. Sorry for the digression...back on track...

Personally, I have learnt that when parents have a problem or concern, they need to keep their cool and use effective ways to communicate their feelings. If any parent threatens or blames, it is only natural that they put up their defenses and stop listening and start thinking about how to defend themselves.

A lot depends on the parent - we have to look at our own attitudes....What do we have in our minds? Pre-conceived ideas? Prejudices? Past experiences that mar our objectivity? How would these influence the way we communicate? My older boy is a very intelligent boy and even as primary school kid, he once asked me, "Mom, did your mom scold you the way you are scolding me?" I almost fainted from shock. Of course the answer to his question was an affirmative 'YES". Kids actually know and think better than we think they do. Take my younger boy. On Sunday, I wrote something on democracy. He runs his own blog too...Then he said to me, "Mom, when you will ever learn? Don't write anything sensitive, ok? I wouldn't want anything to happen to you." Mind you, he is only ten years old!!!

When talking to our kids, we have to watch our tone and body language so that we don't accidentally send hidden messages of criticism and blame. We need to make statements in positive terms.

For example, a statement such as "You can't play (with your friends) until....(e.g. you clean up your room or practise your piano etc.) has an unfriendly tone and uses negative words like "can't" and "don't." Many children would rebel against this power play or test the parent's challenge. Instead, word the same thought with positive words such as, "When (your room is clean) you can (play with your friends)."

When they have done something wrong, we need to describe the behavior without blaming or judging. Avoid the word "you" if at all possible. Instead of saying, "When you write on the wall..." say "When I see writing on the wall..." I believe we should speak about our feelings and perceptions instead of labeling the other person as "bad" or "wrong."

Apart from that, I feel we need to acknowledge the other person's feelings or perspective first before sharing our feelings, opinions, or concerns. This opens the door to communication and reduces defensiveness and could be the first half of an opening statement to stimulate a discussion about the other person's concerns. When we spend the time to help others resolve their feelings or concerns, their behavior often changes, which might automatically resolve our concerns and feelings.


Another thing is to own up to our feelings. Say, "I feel worried..." instead of "You make me worry..." Regardless of what another person does, we choose our interpretations and feelings about the event. Don't give your personal power to others by saying they can make you feel something. I constantly remind myself that anger is a secondary emotion and I need to get in touch with the primary emotion, such as frustration, concern, pressured, and use these words to describe my feelings.

Another weakness of mine was to put my kids on guilt trips. When I said I was "embarrassed" and "disappointed", my boys interpreted it as "You are an embarrassment to me..." Children should change their behavior based on the child learning the value of correcting the behavior and not because of guilt. My older boy used to tell me never to embarrass him in front of anyone with my remarks. You know, years ago, I took offense to that and it was only a few years ago that I realized my weaknesses in my parenting style and that he is a good kid after all and that I should not pressure or tease him so much. Thank goodness I saw the light and that my older boy and I are very close and he is so different from who he used to be - but then, it is because I have changed too...we never stop learning till the day we die and I am sure there's still lots more that I will learn.

From my experiences, I have also learned to give short explanations to help my children figure out how to avoid a problem in the future. For example, saying "Milk spoils when it is left out" instead of "keep the milk in the fridge". And I have learnt to say "Wet towels grow mold." instead of "Hang your towel properly". These are quick, effective ways to teach children the reasons behind certain requests. I discovered that my boy cooperated with this more than orders and commands.

Finally, when I was too upset to speak, I wrote him short notes and even emails in a friendly tone instead of losing my cool. That really defused the situation cos my angry tone of voice was not there and he read just the words for what they meant to him.

Truly, I learnt these lessons the hard way and if given a choice, I would do it all again the right way. Nonetheless, I thank God that I did learn these lessons and that I have a very close relationship with my boy now and I miss him to bits. Additionally, my younger boy is such an angel and I know it is because it is the 'wiser' me who has given him the space to be himself and not to live out my dreams in him. I did not molly-coddle my second boy the way I did with my older one and turns out that with independence, he learned responsibility and developed at a fantastic speed not only emotionally, intellectually and socially but also musically.

The toughest job is that of a parent and I strongly believe that whether we succeed or fail depends so much on the way we communicate with them - and for the record, I only realized it when I read this book - Gary Chapman's "FIVE LANGUAGES OF LOVE" which I have not discussed in this post. If you have not read it, do read it or go to this link.

I believe we all need to think about the long term messages that our present communication style might be teaching. Undoubtedly, new ways of speaking seem awkward and initially take more time to think of and say. However, in the long run, children are more cooperative and self-disciplined, instead of relying on constant reminders. With the right communication skills, we can have meaningful and loving relationships, not just with our children and spouses but also with our friends.

May God bless you and your family! Have a nice day!