A woman was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the bottle. During
her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-year-old daughter to answer
the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she
added, "Mommy can't come to the phone right now. She's hitting the bottle."
******************************************
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his
paintings currently on display. "I've got good news and bad news," the owner
replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and
wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it
would, he bought all fifteen of your paintings."
"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed, "What's the bad news?" With
concern, the gallery owner replied, "The guy was your doctor."
******************************************
How many referral agents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw you out of a fee, and the other to send you to a store where
they ran out of bulbs weeks ago.
How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes
a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless
absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
How many nihilists does it take to change a light bulb?
There is nothing to change.
How many presidential candidates does it take to change a light bulb?
Fewer and fewer all the time.
How many believable, competent, "just-right-for-the-job" presidential
candidates does it take to change a light bulb?
It's going to be a dark 4 years, isn't it?
How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one, but it sure takes a lot of light bulbs!
How many strong people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
115. One to hold the bulb and 114 to rotate the house
How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one, but the light bulb has to really want to change.
******************************************
A young minister had just got out of the seminary, got his first church, and
was preaching his first sermon. In the seminary, they had taught him that if
he forgot something, just back up and repeat what he had said, and maybe it
would come back to him.
He started out with a quote, "Behold, I cometh..." but he couldn't remember the
rest of it.
So he tries to regain his composure, backs up an starts again... "Behold I
cometh..." but he still couldn't remember.
So he rears back and shouts again, "Behold I cometh!" but this time he trips
over the pulpit and falls right into the lap of a little old lady sitting the
front row!
He was embarrassed and started apologizing, but before he could finish the
woman muttered, "It isn't your fault sonny - you told me you were coming three
times. I should have moved!"
---------------------------------------------------------------
Definitions you won't find in the dictionary:
ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the
middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS: The only creatures you eat before they are born and after they are
dead.
COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.
INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.
SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
HAVE A NICE DAY!!!!
her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-year-old daughter to answer
the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she
added, "Mommy can't come to the phone right now. She's hitting the bottle."
******************************************
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his
paintings currently on display. "I've got good news and bad news," the owner
replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and
wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it
would, he bought all fifteen of your paintings."
"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed, "What's the bad news?" With
concern, the gallery owner replied, "The guy was your doctor."
******************************************
How many referral agents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw you out of a fee, and the other to send you to a store where
they ran out of bulbs weeks ago.
How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes
a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless
absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
How many nihilists does it take to change a light bulb?
There is nothing to change.
How many presidential candidates does it take to change a light bulb?
Fewer and fewer all the time.
How many believable, competent, "just-right-for-the-job" presidential
candidates does it take to change a light bulb?
It's going to be a dark 4 years, isn't it?
How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one, but it sure takes a lot of light bulbs!
How many strong people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
115. One to hold the bulb and 114 to rotate the house
How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one, but the light bulb has to really want to change.
******************************************
A young minister had just got out of the seminary, got his first church, and
was preaching his first sermon. In the seminary, they had taught him that if
he forgot something, just back up and repeat what he had said, and maybe it
would come back to him.
He started out with a quote, "Behold, I cometh..." but he couldn't remember the
rest of it.
So he tries to regain his composure, backs up an starts again... "Behold I
cometh..." but he still couldn't remember.
So he rears back and shouts again, "Behold I cometh!" but this time he trips
over the pulpit and falls right into the lap of a little old lady sitting the
front row!
He was embarrassed and started apologizing, but before he could finish the
woman muttered, "It isn't your fault sonny - you told me you were coming three
times. I should have moved!"
---------------------------------------------------------------
Definitions you won't find in the dictionary:
ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the
middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS: The only creatures you eat before they are born and after they are
dead.
COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.
INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.
SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
HAVE A NICE DAY!!!!
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