masterwordsmith-unplugged

In 2002, I was the epitome of the modern day super-mom, juggling career with family successfully. The word 'rest' was absent from my vocabulary and it was 'go go go' all the time like an endless spinning wheel.

Little did I know that a hiking accident in mid December 2001 would have such devastating effects on my life. On that fateful day, I had gone hiking with my family and we were busy talking away as we made our way downhill. As it had rained the night before, the slopes were rather slippery. When I let my guard down, I slipped on a damp leaf, tripped and landed heavily on my butt after hitting my tailbone on a rock. Initially, I had a bit of pain in my derriere but life went on despite a nagging pain that worsened as time went by.

In time, I went for traditional massage and the Chinese 'sifu' who told me it was a muscle problem so I did not take it seriously. However, the main grew in intensity and so every other day, I would be at the Chinese doctor's clinic.

On the afternoon of Mother's Day 2002, I had just finished mopping the house. After rinsing the mop, I bent down to empty the pail of water and to my horror, a sharp pain ran through my spine and thereafter I could no longer stand upright. No one was home so I had to lean backwards and slowly walk upstairs to lie down. Since it was Mother's Day, I kept quiet and let my family take me for dinner at Roadhouse Grill. I still remember I was a sight to behold walking in a strange manner, leaning backwards. Even sitting for the duration of the dinner was a problem. I tried to make my way to MPH upstairs but to no avail and I barely made it to the car. The pain was beyond description and radiated from my spine down my right leg until my toes.

The next morning, I was admitted to hospital and a MRI scan revealed that I had an extensive spinal injury that resulted in a herniated disc at L4,L5, S1,S2, S3 with nerve compression on my sciatic nerve. The MRI was a terrible experience for me because I am claustrophobic so you an imagine the terror I felt apart from the pain. With each passing moment, the pain worsened and it was excruciatingly painful to stand, sit or walk, The only comfortable position I could assume was lying flat.The specialist recommended surgery and warned that there was a 50:50 chance that I might not recover and that I might be paralyzed for life. In the end, I chickened out of the surgery.

Subsequently, I sought all kinds of treatment to avoid going under the knife. I know almost all the famous hospital physiotherapists, Chinese sinsehs and massage therapists in Penang cos I tried almost every one and spent so much money on the different types of treatment.The first month, I was in bed 24/7 except when in the chiropractor's clinic (I had to go four times a week!!!) and even though I did nothing but sleep, cry and read, I lost 10 pounds just from sweating and crying from the pain. No painkiller could ease the pain. I tried everything - hot pack, cold compression, all kinds of ointments, cold cream, hot cream - you name it, I tried it.

To exacerbate matters, my husband also came down with a spinal injury - degenerative disc and my younger boy contacted Hand, Food and Mouth disease from his kindergarten. Things could not be worse!

I had to give up some of my courses in college, my household chores came to a standstill and it was as though I was in a torture chamber. All day and night, all I did was to lie in bed and cry as the pain was so bad. Even going to the toilet or having a shower was a painful experience.

Looking back, I am thankful to God for He really provided people such as the late Paul Chan's wife Siew Lay, TT Chan (now is Saudi Arabia) and my son's friend's mom Mrs Leong and a childhood friend Jen who would take turns to come in to help me in housework until my maid arrived. They really helped me to ferry the kids to and fro school, to and fro chiropractor's clinic and other traditional doctors' centres, bringing us food, driving me to college when I had lectures. Believe me, I actually had a time-table to coordinate all that and I can never forget how God provided the people to help me.

Frankly, the college students were fantastic. Some like Jin Huang (who is now a lawyer in Singapore) would take turns to drive me to school while two others would be waiting for me at the porch with a swivel chair. They would then help me out of the car as I could not walk and then made sure I was comfortable in the chair before they pushed the chair to the elevator and then straight to the lecture room. By the grace of God, that mature cohort of A-Level students that I had for 2002 churned out the best results I ever produced in the nine years that I taught General Paper. Out of 18 students, six had A, 8 scored B, 2 scored C and there were only 2 who obtained D. Halfway during my lectures, I would be crying because the spasms of pain and Joanne Gan would massage my leg and there was such a dead silence. Every single student handed up their assignment on time and I had to mark their work while lying horizontal in bed with a pencil as a pen cannot work when in an anti-gravitational position.

Initially, I took it pretty badly. Why did I have to go through such pain and inconveniences? I was driven to the abyss of despair, disappointment and suffering. There in the desert of my trial, I realized what I had become - sold out to work, enslaved to my chores and kitchen and losing my humanity and humility. I was such a workaholic before I had my injury. The realization that I had to let go and take life at a slower pace and not kill myself and those around me hit me real hard and also the fact that I had to soften and not be so demanding and hard on myself and others. Yup. I confess I was a tough lecturer and mother/wife too and everything had to work at clockwork precision until this experience was like a spanner in the wheel of my life.

After about four months, I could sit continuously for a max of only about two hours for the first year and gradually, for longer periods but full recovery took two years. Wherever I went, I had to carry a special cushion for my back support and I had to wear back support for four years when at home. It was only after two years that the pain went off. Now, I have to take care and still get pain if I sit on soft sofas or any chair with no proper back support. The fact that I can walknow is a miracle. By 2004, I joined a gym and had a trainer who guided me in a special program to strengthen my back and to regain my fitness level. (Since I started blogging, *sigh* my fitness level is zilch and my boy says, "Mom, you used to go jogging and now it is blogging!")

Through it all, I mellowed and I thank God for all that I have gone through...for the healing and recovery I received...for hubby, sons, family and friends who stood by me and gave me their steadfast love and support which helped me through this dark period.

You know, sometimes people do not understand why I am humble or why I offer positive comments to others about different situations. Fact is - I used to be very confident, proud, cocksure of myself, ultra-self-sufficient etc. until this experience really humbled me. Who am I? What do I have? What is so special about me? Nothing. I am just a plain ordinary human being and I learnt not to be proud, not to put others down and I learnt that in this world, people matter and I matter too so I had better learn to look at others in a different light. So ironical cos I used to have such a caustic tongue. Now, I look back and thank God for the painful experience that made me whole. When I meet nasty toxic characters, I remind myself I was almost as bad and would have been worse had I not gone through this pain that made me whole. From that time, I looked at handicapped persons and the elderly from a totally new perspective because I had gone through the physical challenges of this painful experience.

Truly, I am glad that I did not become bitter about this negative experience but became better in so many ways. Much of what I write in this blog stem from my personal experiences and encounter with various types of challenges. I learnt to let go and to let God heal me, lead me and bless me in ways that I could never even begin to imagine.

Never will I return to the break-neck pace of work I was doing in the past because I now know that the measure of success is not by accomplishments but by intimacy with God and our loved ones. True, I earned good money then and spent on lots of unnecessary stuff like clothes and even my college students remarked that they had never seen me wear the same thing twice. After this experience, I gave away lots of clothes, even the branded ones and now, shopping holds little attraction for me except if I go to another place - then there is the novelty of shopping in a new environment.

Now, I don't take health for granted. Neither do I take my loved ones for granted for I will never know when my life will end and when it does, I would not want to depart with the knowledge that I had not finished what I want to do. So, when bad experiences come your way, don't let it make you bitter...let it make you stronger. Then with each bad experience, you will become stronger and stronger and be the man/woman you are destined to be! Funny how after one bad experience, I go through another one and then there is a respite and then another one. The last one was my thingy in November and that too has been a big milestone in my life cos by then, I thought I had such a comfortable cocooned life and nothing could happen to me. How wrong I was! And God had to lead me through another valley, through another desert plain for me to take stock of my life and to realize that He is not through with me yet and that I had to go through more fire and tests to be a better person.

Most ironically, my hubby and older boy also have spinal injury. In my house,we have an inversion table that provides the traction that we need for our spinal care. Now, I am grateful for what I have, who I have and all I have gone through and I never ever dare to say "Yea, I have made it" but I try to live each day as happily as I can and to take one step at a time. I have to because I cannot afford to have another fall. So dear reader, I pray each of you will have God's protection and that you will not suffer any injury like I did. Take care, cherish your loved ones and your life - even your five senses. I am in a very reflective mood tonight because I still have not recovered fully although I can say about ten words now without going into a coughing spasm.

Have a lovely evening and may God bless you and yours always!