Here's a selection of some of my favorite jokes...Enjoy...
Caution: Please do not laugh too loudly :-). Have a nice day!
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SUPER BOWL
A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sat down, he noticed that the seat next to him was empty. He asked the man on the other side of the empty seat whether anyone was sitting there. “No,” the man replied, “The seat is empty.”
“This is incredible,” said the first man. “Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?”
The second man replied, “Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This will be the first Super bowl we haven’t been to together since we got married in 1967.”
“Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. That’s terrible. But couldn’t you find someone else — a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?”
The man shook his head. “No, they’re all at the funeral.”
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WHO WEARS THE PANTS?
A newlywed couple had just arrived in their honeymoon suite. After unpacking, the husband took off his pants. “Put these on,” he said to his wife. She did and they were obviously much too large. “There’s no way I can wear these - they’re way too big,” she said. “Good! Now you know who wears the pants in this family,” replied the husband.
Flustered, the wife removed her panties, and handing them to her husband said, “Put these on.” The husband looked at the tiny panties and said, “There’s no way I can get into these.” To which the wife replied, “you’re darn right! At least not until you change your attitude!”
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PERFECT GOLF SHOT
Bob stood over his tee sot for what seemed an eternity.
He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn’t start his backswing. Finally his exasperated partner asked, “what the hell is taking so long?”
“My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse,” Bob explained. “I want to make a perfect shot.”
“Good lord!” his companion exlaimed. “You don’t have a snowball’s chance in hell of hitting her from here.”
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SHAVE THE BEARD
A married man was visiting his girlfriend one day, when she requested that he shave his beard.
“Oh, James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face.”
James replied, “My wife loves this beard, I couldn’t possibly do it. She would kill me!”
“Oh, please?” the girlfriend asked again in a sexy little voice.
“Really, I can’t,” he replied. “My wife loves this beard!”
The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighed and finally gave in.
That night, James crawled into bed with his wife while she was sleeping.
The wife woke up somewhat, felt his face, and replied “Oh, Michael, you shouldn’t be here. My husband will be home soon!”
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CELIBACY? IT'S ALL UP TO YOU
Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.
While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Walter and his wife Ann, listened to the instructor declare, ‘It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.’
He addressed the men, ‘Can you name and describe your wife’s favorite flower?’
Walter leaned over, touched Ann’s arm gently and whispered, ‘Robin Hood-All-purpose, isn’t it?’
And thus began Walter’s life of celibacy!
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THE WEDDING NIGHT
A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.
But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.
She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, “Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you’ve been wrestling an alligator!”
The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak,
“Ohhh God! He told me he’d been saving up for 75 years, and I thought he meant his money!!”
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MARRIAGE COUNSELLING
A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married.
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately as her husband watched with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, ‘This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?’
The husband thought for a moment and replied, ‘Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.’
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