Dear reader,
These are some of the best jokes I have sourced from various places . Read at your own peril. The degree of humor increases as you scroll down so if you are reading this in the office, be forewarned :-) and don't laugh too loudly :-).
Enjoy! I do apologize if you find any of these jokes offensive. It is just for laughs and not to insult anyone. Thanks and have a great day!
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WHAT IS PMS?
1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweat pants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff
13. Potential Murder Suspect
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What is the difference between girls/woman aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68, and 78 ?
At 8 — You take her to bed and tell her a story.
At 18 — You tell her a story and take her to bed.
At 28 — You don’t need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
At 38 — She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
At 48 — She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.
At 58 — You stay in bed to avoid her story.
At 68 — If you take her to bed, that’ll be a story!
At 78 — What story??? What bed??? Who the hell are you???
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DIVORCE Vs MURDER
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said; ‘I would like to buy some cyanide.’
The pharmacist asked; ‘Why in the world do you need cyanide?’
The lady replied; ‘I need it to poison my husband.’
The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he exclaimed; ‘Lord have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband. That’s against the law! I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!’
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied; ‘Well now, that’s different. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.’
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U.S. BANKING PROBLEM EXPLAINED
Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day he drove up and said, “Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.”
Chuck replied, “Well, then just give me my money back.”
The farmer said, “Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.”
Chuck said, “OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.”
The farmer asked, “What ya gonna do with him?”
Chuck said, “I’m going to raffle him off.”
The farmer said, “You can’t raffle off a dead donkey!”
Chuck said, “Sure I can. Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.”
A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, “What happened with that dead donkey?”
Chuck said, “I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898.00.”
The farmer said, “Didn’t anyone complain?”
Chuck said, “Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.”
Chuck now works for Wall Street.
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FROM THE WORLD OF LAME AND CORNY JOKES...
I bet a kid has told you these before. It’s Thursday and I am feeling a bit silly so here we go.
1. The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, “You stay here, I’ll go on a head.”
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then, it hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, “Keep off the Grass.”
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, “No change yet.”
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
18. It’s not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn’t have the balls to do it.
19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
20. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
21. A backward poet writes inverse.
22. In democracy, it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism, it’s your count that votes.
23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
24. Don’t join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects!
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The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.
The Indian Chief proclaims, “So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger” …
“In honor of the Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed in three days.”
“Before I kill you, I grant you three requests”
“What is your FIRST request ???’
The Lone Ranger responds, “I’d like to speak to my horse.”
The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver’s ear, and the horse gallops away.
Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger’s tent and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he’s impressed. “You have a very fine and loyal horse”, “But I will still kill you in two days.”
“What is your SECOND request ???”
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse’s ear.
As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.
Later that evening, to the Chief’s surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde.
She enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. “You are indeed a man of many talents,” “But I will still kill you tomorrow.”
“What is your LAST request ???”
The Lone Ranger responds, “I’d like to speak to my horse, …. alone.”
The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger’s tent.
Once they’re alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, Looks him square in the eye and says,
Listen Very Carefully !!!! FOR… THE… LAST… TIME… I SAID …
“BRING POSSE”
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Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, she can’t stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to write a sexual harassment grievance against him.
The human resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks, “what’s sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?”
The woman replies, “Its Keith, the midget.”
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And now the best for the last....
Here is mine: Years ago I got a support ticket saying the user lost their CD inside the computer. So I go see the user and she explains that she thought the CD tray that slid out was “too big” so she closed it and slid the CD into the crack in the case that was just below the CD drive.
Here are the rest:
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one…
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Customer: Hi, this is Maureen. I can’t get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it’s really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn’t sound good; I’ll make a note.
Customer: No , wait a minute… I hadn’t inserted it yet… it’s still on my desk… sorry….
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Tech support: Click on the ‘my computer’ icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
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Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello… I can’t print.
Tech support: Would you click on “start” for me and…
Customer: Listen pal; don’t start getting technical on me! I’m not Bill Gates.
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Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can’t print. Every time I try, it says ‘Can’t find printer’. I’ve even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can’t find it…
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Customer: I have problems printing in red…
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah………………..thank you.
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Tech support: What’s on your monitor now, ma’am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at Woolies.
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Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it’s plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can’t get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer:! OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there’s another one here. Ah…that one does work…
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Tech support: Your password is the small letter “a” as in apple, a capital letter V as n Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters ?
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Customer: can’t get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I’m sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
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Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That’s not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry…Internet Explorer.
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Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
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Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I’m writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter ‘a’ in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?
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A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: “No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.”
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Tech support: “Okay Colin, let’s press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter “P” to bring up the Program Manager.”
Customer: I don’t have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Colin.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: “P”…..on your keyboard, Colin.
Customer: I’M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!
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:-) Have a great day!
2 comments to WITTY JOKES JUST FOR YOU :
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Unknown Dear Anon @ 3.24am
Hehe! I am glad you enjoyed this list. Do browse the Humor pages - am sure you will find others you might enjoy :-).
Take care and have a lovely Sunday! Thanks for swinging by.
Cheers!
Anonymous LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL.....TOOOO FUNNY.....SPECIALLY THE TECH VS COSTUMER DIALOGUE
LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL