masterwordsmith-unplugged

Marriage is ... Part 1

1) Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence (a life sentence).

2) Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are still attached.

3) Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore marriage is an institution for the blind.

4) Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Master's.

5) Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger, and two under the man's eyes.

6) Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit.

7) Marriage is not just a having a wife but also worries inherited forever.

8) Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "RINGS":
* The Engagement Ring
* The Wedding Ring
* The Suffe-ring
* The Endu-ring

9) Married life is full of excitement and frustration:
* In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
* In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
* In the third year, they both speak and the NEIGHBORS listen.

10) It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener.

11) Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that instead.

12) It's true that all men are born free and equal-but some of them get MARRIED!

13) There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.

14) A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.

15) Conversations between son & father:
Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?
Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.
Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries.
Father: That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!

16) There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was until I got married.... and then it was too late!"

17) Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

18) They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage it is self-defense.

19) When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

20) There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through HELL.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Marriage is ... Part 2

1) Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest. (Irwin Corey)

2) When a man says it's a silly, childish game, it's probably something his wife can beat him at. (Epperson's law)

3) Honeymoon: A short period of doting between dating and debting. (Ray Bandy)

4) The more I know about men, the more I like dogs. (Gloria Allred, feminist attorney, 1995)

5) If God wanted women to understand men, football would never have been created. (Anonymous)

6) If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry. (Chekhov)

7) Love is the answer, but while you're waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions. (Woody Allen)

8) Once a boy becomes a man, he's a man all his life. But a woman is only sexy until she becomes your wife. (Al Bundy)

9) If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam. ( Johnny Carson)

10) Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back. (Al Bundy)

11) An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her. (Agatha Christie)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Marriage is like ...

How do men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done free!

Boring Husband: "Honey, why are you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
Bored Wife: "Because I married the wrong man!"

First Guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!"
Second Guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

A guy went to a party without his wife. He heard another guy say to his wife, "Pass the sugar, Honey," and "Pass the honey, Sugar." He thought this sort of speech is a good idea. The next morning when he and his wife are eating breakfast, he said to his wife, "Pass the bacon, Pig."

Before marriage, a man will lie awake all nite thinking about something you said. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

A man said his credit card was stolen, but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why. When a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone wonders why.

A man rushed home from work and exclaimed to his wife, "Pack your bags, I've won the lottery!" His wife excitedly asked, "Should I pack clothes for cold or warm weather?" He replied, "Pack'em all, your're leaving!
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q&A About Husbands & Wives

What do wives and proctologists have in common?
They always have to deal with a pain in the ass.

What's the difference between husbands and prisoners?
Prisoners complain behind bars. Husbands complain in them.

When does a man feel like watering the garden?
After having a six pack.

What's the difference between a happy marriage and a fairy tale?
A fairy tales happens at least once upon a time.

What do women and tax forms have in common?
Men love to cheat on them.

What does a married man say after sex?
Don't tell my wife.

What's the best part of marriage?
Divorce.

Why do husbands appreciate hell?
At least there, they know what they did wrong.

What do marriage and Bill Clinton have in common?
They're both a joke.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Kids' Little Top 10 Instructions On Life

Never trust a dog to watch your food.
Patrick, Age 11

When you want something expensive, ask your grandparents.
Sara, Age 12

Wear a hat when feeding seagulls.
Rocky, Age 9

Don't flush the john when you dad's in the shower.
Lamar, Age 10

When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him.
Heather, Age 16

Never tell your mom her diet's not working.
Michael, Age 14

Never try to baptize a cat.
Laura, Age 13

Never spit on a roller coaster.
Scott, Age 11

Stay away from prunes.
Randy, Age 9

Forget the cake, go for the icing.
Cynthia, Age 8
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A Little Boy In The Stripped Club


Once there was a little boy who was curious about what a strip club was like so one day he decided to sneak into one. Once he was in, he watched as the strippers danced. He watched until they started taking of their clothing. That's when he bolted out the door and started running down the street and into a man. The man asks the boy, "What's wrong young man? You look like you just saw a ghost!". The little boy replies, "My mommy and daddy told me that if I ever watched anybody undress, I'd turn to stone...and all of a sudden I felt something hard!".

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
At Breakfast


There was a boy playing in the farm field when his mom called him in for breakfast. On his way in he kicked a cow, pig, and a chicken. So when he gets to the table he sees a dry bowl of cereal. "What's the deal?" he asks. His mom says " You kicked the cow so no milk for you, you kicked the pig so no bacon for you, and you kicked the chicken so no eggs for you." Then his father walks into the kitchen and accidentally kicked the cat. The the boy says "Do you want me to tell him or should you?"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Top 10 Signs You Are An Internet Geek

10) When filling out your driver's license application you give your IP address.

9) You no longer ask prospective dates what their sign is, instead your line is "Hi, what's your URL?"

8) Instead of calling you to dinner, your spouse sends e-mail.

7) You're amazed to find out spam is a food.

6) You "ping" people to see if they're awake, "finger" them to find out how they are, and "AYT" them to make sure they're listening to you.

5) You search the Net endlessly hoping to win every silly free T-shirt contest.

4) You introduce your wife as "my lady@home.wife" and refer to your children as "client applications".

3) At social functions you introduce your husband as "my domain server".

2) After winning the office super bowl pool you blurt out, "I feel so "colon-right parentheses!"

And the number one sign you are an Internet Geek:

1) Two Words: "Pizza's Here!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You Know It Is Time To Reassess Your
Relationship With Your Computer When...

You Know It Is Time To Reassess Your Relationship With Your Computer When:

1) You wake up at 4 O'clock in the morning to go to the bathroom and stop to check your email on the way back to bed.

2) You turn off your computer and get an awful empty feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

3) You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.

4) You laugh at people with 28.8 modems.

5) You start using smile's :-) in your snail mail.

6) You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.com

7) You can't correspond with your mother because she doesn't have a computer.

8) When your email box shows "no new messages" and you feel really depressed.

9) You don't know the gender of your three closest friends because they have nondescript screen name and you never bothered to ask.

10) You move into a new house and you decide to Netscape before you landscape.

11) Your family always knows where you are.

12) In real life conversations, you don't laugh, you just say "LOL, LOL"

13) After reading this message, you immediately forward it to a friend! he he he :) (Yep!)

HAVE A NICE DAY!!!