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THE LAWYER, THE BANKER AND THE ROLLS-ROYCE
Before going to Europe on business, a lawyer drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown NY City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000.
The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral. "Well, then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce", the lawyer said.
The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping, and gave him $5,000.
Two weeks later, the lawyer walked through the bank's doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back. "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $20.30 in Interest", the loan officer said. The lawyer wrote out a check and started to walk away.
"Wait sir", the loan officer said, "while you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?"
The lawyer smiled. "Where else could I park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $20.30?
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A FIRST DATE
A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town. Things were getting hot and heavy when the girl stopped the boy.
"I really should ave mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex," she said.
The boy just looked at her for a couple of seconds, but then reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.
After the cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.
"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25."
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A CONFESSION
Becky was on her deathbed, with her husband Jake at her side. He held her cold hand and tears silently streamed down his face.
Her pale lips moved. "Jake," she said quietly.
"Hush," he quickly interrupted, "don't talk."
But she insisted. "Jake," she said in her tired voice. "I have to talk. I must confess."
"There is nothing to confess," said the weeping Jake. "It's all right. Everything's all right."
"No, no. I must die in peace. I must confess, Jake, that I have been unfaithful to you."
Jake stroked her hand, squeezed it and sobbingly told her, "Now Becky, don't be concerned. I know all about it," he cried uncontrollably. "Why else would I poison you?"
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GRANNY'S CAR POOL
A state police officer observed a car puttering along the highway at only 22 m.p.h. He turned on his lights and pulled the car over. Approaching the vehicle, he noticed that it contained five old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back, and that all the old ladies were wide-eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, said, "Officer, I don't understand. I was going exactly the speed limit. What's the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replied, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? I'm following the posted speed exactly!"
The officer, trying to contain a chuckle, explained "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. Embarrassed, the woman smiled and thanked him for pointing out her error. Before letting her go, however, the officer asked, "Is everyone in the car okay? Those women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a peep this whole time."
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 119."
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THE ICE-CREAM TRUCK
On hearing that her elderly grandfather had passed away, Jenny rushed to her grandmother's side. When she asked the particulars of her grandfather's death, her grandmother explained, "He had a heart attack during sex on Sunday morning."
Horrified, Jenny suggested sex at age 94 was surely asking for trouble. "Oh, no," her grandmother replied, "We had sex every Sunday morning, in time with the church bells - in with the dings and out with the dongs."
She paused and wiped away a tear. "If it hadn't been for that ice cream truck going past, he'd still be alive."
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A FEW TOO MANY
An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he stood up and again fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom. When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.
He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, "So, you've been out drinking again!!"
"What makes you say that?" he asked, putting on an innocent look. "The pub called. You left your wheelchair there again."
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LENA'S CONFESSION
As soon as she had finished parochial school, a bright young girl named Lena shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New York where before long, she became a successful performer in show business. Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit and on Saturday night went to confession in the church which she had always attended as a child.
In the confessional Father Sullivan recognized her and began asking her about her work.
She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to know what that meant. She said she would be happy to show him the kind of thing she did on stage. She stepped out of the confessional and within sight of Father Sullivan, she went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits, handsprings and backflips. Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two middle-aged ladies.
They witnessed Lena's acrobatics with wide eyes, and one said to the other: "Will you just look at the penance Father Sullivan is giving' out this night, and me without me bloomers on!"
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DOCTOR'S ORDERS
A 92 year-old man went to the Doctor to get a physical.
A few days later the Doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.
At the next physical the Doctor talked to the man and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doctor, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful."
The Doctor exclaimed, "I didn't say that. I said you got a HEART MURMUR. BE CAREFUL."
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I always save the best for the last so hold your breath and get ready to explode :-)
DOCTOR, DOCTOR....
A man goes to the Doctor. "Doctor," he says, in total frustration, "my pecker is 50 inches long and I can't get any women to have sex with me. Is there any way you can shorten it?"
The doctor replied, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But, I do know this witch who may be able to help you." So the doctor gives him directions to the witch. The man calls upon the witch and relays his story.
"Witch, my pecker is 50 inches long and I can't get any women to have sex with me. Can you help me shorten it?"
The witch scratches her head, and then replies, "I think I have a solution to your problem. What you have to do is go to this pond deep in the forest. In the pond you will see a frog sitting on a log who can help solve your dilemma. First you must ask the frog, will you marry me? Each time the frog says NO, your pecker will be ten inches shorter."
The man's face lit up and he dashed off into the forest. He came upon the pond and sure enough, there sat this frog on a log. He called out to the frog, "will you marry me?" The frog looked at him dejectedly and replied, "NO".
The man looked down and suddenly his pecker was 10 inches shorter. "WOW," he screamed out loud, "This is great!! But it's still too long at 40 inches, so I'll ask the frog to marry me again."
"Frog, will you marry me?," the guy shouted. The frog rolled its eyes back in its head and screamed back, "NO!"
The man felt another twitch in his pecker, looked down, and it was another 10 inches shorter. The man laughed, "This is fantastic." 30 inches is still a monster, he thought, just a little less would be ideal. So, I'll ask the frog to marry me one more time.
Grinning, he looked across the pond and yelled out, "Frog will you marry me?" The frog looked back across pond shaking its head,
NO!..........NO!!..........and for the last time.........NO!!!"
mei1 haha, I like the last one!