Three old ladies were sitting around a table. The first says, "I'm getting so forgetful I was standing at the top of the stairs and I couldn't remember whether I was going down or had just come up."
The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day I was sitting on my bed and I couldn't remember whether I was going to sleep or getting up."
The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, I have no memory problems at all, knock wood."
She raps the table. "Who's there?"
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There was an elderly lady whom was waiting in the waiting room with her daughter.The nurse entered the waiting area and announced for the elderly lady to go on back to see the doctor. The nurse spoke louder but still she could not hear.
The elderly lady's daughter leaned over and said, "mother let's turn your hearing aid up." Then she yelled in shock,"That's not your hearing aid, its a suppository!
The elderly mother replied,"Well, now I know where my hearing aid went!
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A state trooper pulled a car over and told the man driving that he was going 50 mph in a 40 mph zone. "I was only going 40!" the driver protested. "Not according to my radar," the trooper said. "Yes, I was!" the man shouted back. "No you weren't!" the trooper said. With that, the man's wife leaned toward the window and said, 'Officer, I should warn you not to argue with my husband when he's been drinking."
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A man rushes into his house yells to his wife, "Martha, pack your things. I just won a million bucks!"
Martha excitedly replies. "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold weather?"
The man responds, "I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!"
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These are real absence excuses sent to school from the parents of kids at the Wells Branch School District.
Dear school please accuse John from being absent on January 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
Please excuse Dianne from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
I had to keep Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I didn't know what size she ware.
Please excuse Johnny for being. It was his father's fault.
Mary could not come to school because she was bothered by very close veins.
Chris will not be in school cuz he has an acre in his side.
John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face.
Excuse Gloria. She has been under the doctor.
Lillie was absent from school yesterday because she had a going over.
My son is under the doctor's care and should not take fizaca ed. Please execute him.
Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent this weekend with the Marines.
Please excuse Joyce from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday she fell off a tree and misplaced her hip.
Please excuse Ray friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
Maryann was absent December 11-16 because she had a fever, sore throat, headache, and upset stomack. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be the flu going around, her father even got hot last night.
Please excuse Blanche from jim today. She is adminstrating.
Please excuse Pedero from being absent yseterday. He had diah/ dyah/ the sh*ts.
George was absent yesterday because he had a stomach.
Ralph was absent yesterday because he had a sore trout.
Please excuse Wayne for being out yeaterday, because he had the fuel.
Please excuse Sarah for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
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