masterwordsmith-unplugged

I admit it. I am a coward. For a few weeks now, I had been putting off reading the ending of "Marley and Me" for fear that I cannot take the grief of reading about a dog dying and how its beloved masters reacted. Tonight, I decided to finish the book and to run away no more. Believe me, it was not easy to do so. Some of you might think I am quite mad. After all, it is just the tale of a dog. And he was not even my dog.

You see - owning a dog always ends with sadness because they don't live as long as humans do.

I have been crying non-stop for an hour now. My nose is all clogged up and my eyes are so swollen that it hurts to even blink.

Reading what John Grogan went through with Marley made me go down memory lane when my own beloved dog Jody died - three days before my wedding day. We had been so busy preparing for the wedding that I forgot to take her for her hepatitis jab and somehow, she picked it up from somewhere.

I still remember her jaundiced face, yellowed eyes and the tears in her eyes as she lay there on the operating table. She had been boarded for three days and on the third day, the vet had told me that it would be better to put her to sleep.

Jody, a miniature Alsation type of mongrel, was the best dog anyone could have. She was obedient, loving, a wonderful watchdog and was always bullied by my other dog, Prince, a rambunctious Spitz whose one hobby in life was prancing around and intimidating Jody. It was so unbelievable that the two of them were my dogs as they were complete opposites.

Jody was dignified and cultured whereas Prince was the regular ruffian scampering around as though he had been imprisoned all this life. Her eyes were the most expressive eyes I had ever seen. So much love radiating through and she would always be there waiting for me whenever I came home, tail wagging at turbo speed, waiting patiently for me to pat her head and to ruffle her neck the way she loved me to tickle her.

I can never forget the way she looked at me. The vet gave me time to say goodbye to her. Her eyes were filled with tears - I am not lying - as she lay forlorn there, weak, feeble and trying to whimper to call out to me the way she used to. As I stroked her neck, I remember taking her left paw in my hand and calling out her name..."Jody, I love you...and I always will." And the tears welled in my eyes and her eyes. She knew. I knew she knew. She knew I knew that she knew that the end was at hand.

Eleven years. We shared a beautiful relationship for eleven years and how she filled my days with so much joy, fulfilment, love and how she listened to all my secrets, my heartaches and how my tears used to just fall on her head as I cried with her in my arms as a teenager. She listened and she did not move. She judged me not and was there for me...my best friend.

And when I read the part about how the vet injected Marley with the syringe, I just wept and wept because it reminded me so much of those last moments with Jody which till today are too painful to recollect.

I had thought to myself - why did he have to use such a big syringe when she was such a small dog? I held her head in my hands as she released a whimper when the needle poked her. All too soon, it was over and I was hysterical with grief as the tears cascaded ....The rest is too painful to recall...I remember holding her body and crying hysterically as I held her close and the vet and my hubby to be pulled me away from Jody. Such deep deep grief in me which has resurfaced because I read the last part about Marley's death.

I knew this would happen and cowardly me put off reading this moving part in the book. The death of Marley and Jody certainly remind me of the brevity of life - of fleeting moments of joy and happiness which we can take for granted...and also of missed opportunities that begin with "If only..."

It is 1.30a.m. and my dear hubby is not too happy with me sniffing away, blowing my nose endlessly. One thing is for sure - he said it and I know it. I can never have another dog because it is way too traumatic when they die. My hamster will be celebrating his 2nd birthday in 10 days time and I know too that his time is near....*sigh*

After Jody died, I never had any other dog. Prince passed away a year later and I was sad but it was not the same. I shared eleven years of my life with Jody whereas with Prince, we had seven years together.

For those of you who have dogs, I admire you....I admire your strength and courage to have a dog even though you know they cannot be with you for ever....As for me, tonight's emotional outburst has confirmed what my hubby said more than 25 years ago - that I am not strong enough to have another dog because truly, the pain of losing them when they die is too great for me to bear....

And now, all I have left would be the memories and photos of Jody, and Prince of course...and all the other dogs I had before them......Of which, the only I loved most was Jody.....