masterwordsmith-unplugged

POLITICAL JOKES

How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, the seeds of revolution and change are within the lightbulb itself.

How many socialists does it take to change a light bulb?
One to petition the Ministry of Light for a bulb, fifty to establish the state production quota, two hundred militia to force the factory unions to allow production of the bulb, and one to surreptitiously dial an '800' number to order an American light bulb.

How many social scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
They do not change light bulbs; they search for the root cause as to why the last one went out.

How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Four, one to change it and the other three to deny it.

How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. If the light bulb really needed changing, market forces would have already caused it to happen.

How many Conservative economists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
None. The invisible hand does it.

How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
Two. One to change it, and another one to change it back again.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
MARRIAGE JOKES

I met a man who had been married for 66 years. "Amazing. 66 years!" I said. "What's the secret to such a long, happy marriage?"

"Well," he replied, "It's like this. The man makes all the big decisions... and the woman just makes the little decisions."

"Really?" I responded. "Does that really work?"

"Oh, yes," he said proudly. "66 years, and so far, not one big decision!"

----------------------------------
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the vicar with an unusual offer.

"Look, I’ll give you £100 if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I’m to promise to ‘love, honor and obey’ and ‘forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,’ I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that part out." He passed the clergyman the cash and walked away satisfied.

It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where
the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom’s vows, the vicar looks the young
man in the eye and says:

"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you
will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes." The groom leaned toward the vicar and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."

The vicar put the £100 into his hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."
-----------------------------------------
An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them.

When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left.

Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?"

He replied, "To the kitchen."

She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

He replied, "Sure."

She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?"

He said, "No, I can remember that."

She then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that."

He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down."

With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily:

"I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!"
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
TECH JOKES

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you
what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results.

He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
KIDS' JOKES

It was the nursery teachers birthday and the students decided that they would each buy their teacher a gift.

The first student, whose parents own a florist shop, gave her a present. She held it and said "I guess that it is flowers". "How did you guess?" asked the little boy. She laughed and thanked him.

The second student, whose parents own a sweet shop, gave her a present. She held it and said, "I guess that is some sweets."

"How did you guess?" asked the little boy. She again laughed and thanked him also.

The third student, whose parents own a wine outlet, gave her a box which was leaking. The teacher touched the liquid with her finger and tasted it. "Mmmmm is it wine?" she asked.

"No," said the little girl.

So she tasted it again. "Is it Champagne?" she asked.

"No," replied the little girl, "It is a puppy."

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A teacher was helping her student with a math problem. She recited the following story :

"There are three birds sitting on a wire. A hunter shoots one of the birds. How many birds are left on the wire?"

The boy pauses.

"None," he replied thoughtfully.

"No, no, no. Let's try again," the teacher says patiently.

She holds up three fingers.

"There are three birds sitting on a wire. A hunter shoots one,"she puts down one finger, "how many birds are left on the wire?"

"None," the boy says with authority.

The teacher sighs.

"Tell me how you came up with that."

"It's simple," says the boy, "after the hunter shot one bird, he scared the other two away."