masterwordsmith-unplugged

My father passed away on October 16th, 2007. Till today, I miss him very much and it was only three nights ago that I was crying in my sleep at about 5.45 a.m. because I saw him in my dreams. I was crying so much that my hubby woke up and he shook me gently and said, "It's only a dream."

Now that dad has gone, today, everyday and each and every Father's Day, I will never get a chance to say "I Love You, Papa". I still remember the last time I told him that I loved him was in late September, 2007 in the sitting room of my home. Then, I recall telling him to take care of himself and not to worry about his dialysis. And after he started on his dialysis, I knew how broken and disappointed he was inside that he had to go through that tedious process.

I know that there were many times in the past where it might have seemed as if I had taken him for granted but I did notice, even though he thought I did not. I knew all that he did for me and the sacrifices he made for my benefit. I may not have said anything at the time, and I am sure that many times he felt that I really didn't appreciate him but I did even if I did not show it as often as I wanted to. From the time mom passed away when I was 11, I realized that everything papa did was because he loved me and wanted the best for me.

In doing so much for me, it meant giving up a lot for himself. Papa gave me more than I ever deserved. He was always there whenever I needed him and would drive all the way to my house when my boys were ill, just so to make sure that I was ok after taking care of them. He was there for my Jon every single break time and fought many battles for Jon whenever he was bullied until Jon was in Std 4 or 5. Each day, he would fill his Tupperware with Milo, buy Jon's favorite food for him and put everything in a basket and then would drive to school for Jon even though I told him not to do so. Not only did my papa love me very much, he loved my two boys to bits.

It is too painful for me to finish writing this post. It is past 1.17 a.m.when I am writing this and I am scheduling it for publication at 11 a.m. I wish, how I wish that dad is still around today and that I can celebrate Father's Day with him. No one is perfect, and papa had his fair share of weaknesses - so do I. He was not an easy person to get along with, especially in the last few months of his life when he knew that his end was drawing near. In my own way, I kept my distance because I did not have the courage or strength to face the fact that my papa would have to go soon to a place where he will not have to suffer. I wish I had had the courage to face up to those fears instead of keeping my distance in the last three weeks before he died. It was too painful, just too painful to see him suffer.

As I look around, I see many parents who take care of themselves first and their children second. In the eyes of those children, I can see a hurt that I never knew. But deep within me, Papa, I know you gave me more than I ever deserved.

My dear papa, during a time when so many people are blaming their parents for what is wrong with them, I want to thank you for all that is good in me. You instilled it in me with each hug, scolding, understanding word, punishment, and even though you never said "I love you" directly, I know how much you did, dad.I just wanted to tell you that I am forever grateful, and I love you and very much and I wish you are still around...

Papa...Happy Father's Day wherever you may be....I love you and I miss you dreadfully...

So dear reader, if you still have your father around, don't forget to spend time with him today and as often as you can....Fathers and mothers - they are gifts from heaven to us...