masterwordsmith-unplugged

I have to confess - I am a hopeless dreamer. I can sit and daydream the whole day, especially when lazing under a coconut tree by the beach which is what I love to do on some weekends. Somehow, there is a certain magical aura that makes my mind come alive when I close my eyes and lose myself in my dreams, projects and aspirations when I am out in the open and hearing the lapping of the waves amidst the cries of the children chasing crabs on the beach.

"What lies before us and what lies behind us are small matters compared to what lies within us. And when we bring what is within out into the world, miracles happen." - Henry David Thoreau

I think I have accumulated enough 'someday, one day, any day' excuses that hinder me from getting on track in my life.

Just last week, in my post called "TIME FOR CHANGE", I had listed twelve grand projects for the next six months as my own way of coping with the imminent mid-life crisis. Thankfully, I am still in my forties but if truth be told, if I honestly took stock of all the creative/household projects I have accumulated over the years, it would take more than one lifetime to get them all finished! Reality bites - my projects are definitely going to outlive me. There are times when I wish I could be like Mary Poppins and have the supernatural power to clear the house with the snap of a finger or the lilt of a song.

Somehow, I get a natural high when I think of clearing (note - THINK - not DO PHYSICALLY :-)! ) the piles of unread TIME magazines, accumulated junk in drawers, clothes that haven't been worn in years and some still with their price tags, loads of memento and souvenirs, toys that my boys used to love and so on. I realize that I have to get moving and to start letting go of things which are not important in my life anymore. I must not procrastinate and say I will do it someday, one day or any day and I have to just DO IT.

And what am I talking about? Spring cleaning of course - both physically and mentally!

Often times, I ask myself :

If I were moving, would I take this with me?

Is this something I see myself completing and even something I want to complete?

What is the cost to building my "bigger dream" by keeping this **********?

What is my priority?

At the same time I asked these questions, I checked my feelings about letting them go or keeping them. When the feeling lacked passion or desire, I would let it go. And sometimes when I do let it go, I lament and regret. Admittedly, the range of resistance varies when deciding which object to release. Some were easier than others. Some - I simply cannot let go because I am such a sentimental character...

Would you believe me if I tell you that I still have the dress I wore on my first date with my husband? I have my Std. 3 green sports shorts that I wore as a MGS pupil. I even have my graduation dress, going away dress for my honeymoon and my son's diapers, some of their baby clothing, toys etc. (although I gave away lots). I even have my primary school pencils, pencil cases, the ink eraser that I used from Std 5 till I graduated, the ruler that I used for 32 years until I kept it in a treasured pencil box, all the birthday cards that I received from 1967!!!! I even have all the essays I wrote in secondary school and all my university term papers. If not for my husband, I would have kept all my uni notes as well! I even have my wedding cards, thank you cards, and every single card or letter or aerogram that my former students sent to me - one big box representing an era without the Internet. The list is simply endless! I even have a few drawers full of my paper bag collection from all over the world!!!

Even now, I feel so tired thinking of all the junk that I mentioned but yet, precious memento from the past. There were a couple of items that I wished I would have held on to but I seem to have blotted them from my mind. There is so much that I want to throw away and yet, I cannot bear to do so....because of the memories that they hold...

There are so many clothes, scarves, shoes, handbags, books that I bought in the past to be used SOMEDAY and that one day never came....and that is the reason why I do not like to shop now...So many beautiful pens that were given to me as gifts and I never used them for I always kept them for SOMEDAY....and when ONE DAY I wanted to use them, the ink had dried up and I lost the opportunity to maximize the pen's utility...The same for my perfume collection.

I opened a box of one of my DKNY perfumes and was horrified that 1/3 of it had evaporated!!! And it was the same for a few other bottles of precious scents. Sighs. I have so many bottles of perfume that my husband sometimes ask me if I intend to open a gift shop and sell my perfumes,, accessories (which I seldom use), books, VCDs, DVDs and the list is endless. Junk. Why did I have a-buy-when-I-feel-like-it mentality in the past???

Now, I have learnt to let go....to let go of material things. Sometimes, people ask me why it is easy for me to lead a simple life when I could enjoy one of affluence. Simplicity is a saner and environment-friendly way to live. It wasn't easy letting go. I felt guilty over money spent; guilty about letting dreams go when I saved all those stuff for someday. However, I now see the metaphor of having these "somedays" in my life. They were keeping my bigger dream of living life on purpose into the same "someday" category. In releasing my attachment to these articles, I allowed myself more space to grow emotionally, spiritually and even intellectually.

I donated a lot, gave away lots and trashed some. I still have more to do. It is amazing how much I have accumulated. I feel tired each time I think of clearing everything. But yet, I have to let go in favor of my "bigger picture" in being true to myself and purpose. I have a BIG Dream to move on in my life and to STOP being such a dreamer and to pursue my dreams with a higher level of commitment, perseverance, and discipline.

I feel more at peace. It has changed my life significantly and has me living truer to "anything is possible."

The past few days, I have been thinking of my unrealized ambitions and dreams which had been stored for somedays - one of which is my postgrad studies. I came so close to submitting my proposal but then dad passed away and I was too distraught to even fill up the form and put it all together and I lost that opportunity because my thesis was on the impact of the internet on the democratic process in Malaysia. And now, once again, I have selected another topic but there are still the 'someday' excuse which is keeping me from being on purpose to my dream.

To create space for passion, the future has to be free of baggage that is clogging the future. I have been looking around my house and have taken an inventory of what's sitting around taking up space and sucking up my energy. And yes, I will accomplish the 12 part project I listed out the other day.

And I have resolved that instead of being overwhelmed by the volume of work that has to be done, the best way to begin is small steps at a time with small blocks of time, and with a goal that each week something will be sold, trashed, or donated. And I will clear one drawer, one closet, one room at a time.

All it takes is a firm farewell to my 'Someday, One Day & Any day' excuse. Yup -time is running out and now I must seize the day!!! I will chase my dream and fulfil my ambitions without procrastinating and telling myself silly excuses that someday....one day...on any day I will...

Nope.

I will reach out and I will DO IT!