masterwordsmith-unplugged

Dear blogreader, I have not been blogging as much because my laptop is in ICU. The graphic card and motherboard were burnt because I did not know that the fan was not working. It will cost a lot to repair it and it is not worth it :-( and I will eventually get a replacement. Part of me is so numb because I love my 17inch DELL deeply and it was good while it served me. It has been a very expensive lesson not to spend endless hours in front of my laptop and I am going through cold turkey :-(. Nonetheless, this evening, I came across this excellent article which I would like to share with you. Thanks for visiting my blog. Take care and may you have a lovely weekend.

Warmest wishes,
masterwordsmith

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"An insincere and evil friend is more to be feared than a wild beast; a wild beast may wound your body, but an evil friend will wound your mind."
-Buddha

Some of what I've learned in the last year, has to do with the exercise of wisdom in setting limits with others and being more discerning about whom to call friend. Friendship of course varies in its intimacy and function. We all have those whom we consider intimates and the more intimate we are with anyone, friend or lover, we increase our vulnerability.

I have made the mistake of attempting to help a few people that I let get close to me, and find myself recovering in many ways in which I was wounded by them. And to make it clear, I'm not entirely innocent of this. There are those who become the evil friend as a result of not attending to their conscience, wisdom and their own internal moral compass, which I believe we all possess. I have at times drifted (as I have at least hinted at in prior blog entries), and as a result I have been the evil friend who has created dissent, tempting others to fall away from their path in wisdom by tempting them to revenge by my actions. And I have suffered great losses as a result.

It may have been from the knowledge, the deep existential knowledge, that I had wounded others that I thought I should dare to attempt to provide aid and comfort to those that I suspected may hurt me, or at the very least disappoint me. And this, in retrospect is related to the blog on self-invalidation (posted this week). I wasn't taking my own status as wounded and not equipped to help others, especially those who were not working on change or growth and reciprocal in providing aid.

I believe that people often don't know what they're doing, even when they're being destructive to others. Any of us can become blind to the needs of others, and how our actions affect those around us. In my recent history I didn't heed wisdom to acknowledge that I needed my own healing before I can offer to others, or at least set limits to that help.

In my case, I faced some financial setbacks, had my privacy violated and even had some valuables stolen from my home. Anyone can recover from these losses, the real damage was in mind, the heart, even the soul as the wounds were delivered by people I decided to trust. One person in particular is someone that I would expect would know better. Ah, I hear the old adage, "Remember what you are when you make assumptions..."

In these situations there is a temptation to go to the embrace cynicism and paranoia. What I have done is cataloged this experience as a lesson and growth. These incidents helped to spark actions to self-care and a continued move into the circles of trust and friendships that have that Aristotelian quality of sharing a mutual and greater good than friendships of convenience.

We all have choices to make about who our friends are. Even in desperate situations or periods of pain we don't have to take whatever comes our way. We can honor ourselves by tending to what we need to grow into the best person each of can be. As we work on our own growth and strength, we can decide, from a position of wisdom and awareness to whom we open the doors of our homes and hearts. We can do this with limits in mind, to be sure that we're providing "helpful help" and not simply enable the laziness and moral inertia of another person that will only lead to our depletion and their continued evil, such as it is.

As we do so, let us also consider what we bring to others, what we mean to them. Let's stay mindful to doing all that we can do to be a good friend to those we love, to be a blessing rather than a curse; to be healers rather than wounders.

When we do wound the others the best course of action is to repair the relationship through acknowledgment of the injury and our part in making it come to pass--this at the very least! And from there endure the response of the wounded that may come with some suspicion, and decide with our wills to continue to build our trustworthiness, earning back any trust lost.

Those who have wounded me are wounded themselves. By other events they couldn't control, and through their own poor actions, moving further away from what seems human. As they wound others they accumulate more wounds themselves. I hope the best for them, even though we can't walk the same path.

Healing comes through the help of others. This has been very true for me and I have a great deal of gratitude to those people--some of them are reading this now, and know who they are. In return, I want to reciprocate goodness and trustworthiness. I want to contribute and a good ear for listening, a disciplined tongue for keeping confidence, and ready hands to help with physical chores and tasks to reduce their burden.

It's all in the practice, and in the practice the learning the art of friendship; and ultimately we learn, with some wavering and failures along the way, what it means to be human.

Be mindful, be prayerful.

Scott Spradlin, MA, LPC
www.cccwichita.com
www.myspace.com/dbtcounselor

Author's Bio
Scott Spradlin is the author of "Don't Let Your Emotions Run Your Life: How Dialectical Behavior Therapy Can Put You in Control" (New Harbinger, 2003). He is a professional counselor at the Christian Counseling Center of Wichita in Wichita, KS and is an adjunct professor at Wichita State University.