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In my line of work before I called it a day, I have met many types of parents, some of whom have blessed me in many ways and from whom I learnt many precious lessons about parenting and many who drove me up the wall. Parenting is not an easy job. I should know. I made enough blunders to write a book called "Parenting for Dummies" or something like that. However, I am thankful that with much encouragement from some friends and other parents, I slowly learnt from my mistakes and have become a much better mother to my two boys, though I still have lots to learn before I die.

Today, I thought it would be helpful for me to share my observations about the strong points of good parenting and pitfalls of clueless parenting with no malice, judgement or condemnation whatsoever directed to anyone in this world. Any coincidence with people you know is purely coincidental.

PUSHY PRUDENCE
Some parents can be so pushy that there have been many occasions where I was almost pushed off the edge by their unreasonable demands. Such parents have unrealistic demands of their children, friends, teachers and of any one human in the name of the child's well-being.

Examples of their pushiness:

* Pushing for extra homework, marks, time for the child
* Dropping the child early for class hoping that I will start the class earlier and leaving even much later hoping that with such a move, the child will receive added advantage compared to others
* Pushing their children to as many tuition classes as possible and surveying the whole town to see which tutor is better and switching their kids from one tutor to another in a bid to outdo other competitors
*Buying all the best workbooks available for their kids and pushing them to do these during their free time.
*Meeting teachers far too often to check up on the child's progress and pressuring the teacher to show more attention to their kid
I have seen many cases where Pushy Prudences have pushed their child to dysfunctional behavior in late teens or young adulthood, after which serious counselling and help is needed for the child.

EMO EMILY

Some can be so emo and unable to control their emotions which rule them to the extent that they make the wrong decisions for the child and even for themselves. In doing so, they will justify whatever futile attempt they make to make life 'better' for their child and at the end of it, go on an emo tantrum and regret what they did.

Such mothers usually have either equally emo kids or super emo kids or passive kids who are so used to such outbursts of emotions that they do not want to emulate such behavior and end up suppressing their emotions. Emo Emily moms are prone to tears when expressing their fears and are usually warm and loving when all is well but a bundle of nerves during pre-post exam periods or when sending their child to college/uni or marrying them off.

Emo Emilies usually plague the teacher for feedback after feedback, reacting negatively to negative comments and with disbelief to positive comments about their child.

Verdict: They are never happy with their lot in life and can drive family members and others insane or into passivity and silence.

HYPOCRITICAL HILDA
These are the ones I fear the most for one can never tell what are their true intentions or feelings. More often than not, they will shower all kinds of gifts and praises on the teacher but their eyes say something else. In the background, these tend to gossip, backbite etc. to dent the teacher's reputation. There is a direct correlation between the volume of gifts and the child's achievement. The higher the mark attained in an exam, the greater the volume of gifts.

Hypocritical Hildas are also prone to physically and verbally abusing their children. I have come across a few cases like this and the horror stories cannot be related here. Sometimes, I still get misty-eyed when I recall the welts on the arms and legs of some former students. Yet, when one looks at the mother, one would never imagine she could be capable of such acts.

It is ironical that some moms may have no qualms about spending thousands for slimming programs or liposuction but refuse to buy stationery or books for their children and instead, insisted that the child uses the pocket money given by the father! The emotional damage is definitely long lasting.

PERFECTIONIST PENELOPE
Such mothers are typically 'kiasu' and want their children to be the best, go to the best course, get the highest score, excel in everything etc. I should know. I USED to be like that when my older boy was in primary school. God has His ways of teaching me and when I had my spinal injury in 2002, I had to let go...Older and wiser now, I let my younger boy grow up like 'lallang' with little interference.

Perfectionistic moms are seldom happy with their lot in life and make life miserable for their loved ones and friends. They launch surveys to see what other parents or students do and then cross compare in a more detailed way than the national statistics department! Life is not about trends or results or scores. It is about living and loving!

Years ago, when I used to whine and moan, I thought my friends did not care for me when I poured out my heart etc. Eeeeeeeewwwwwwwww! *BLUSH* Now I understand their perspective and DO NOT whine or whinge or complain etc. but I look at life differently and believe me - I have NEVER been happier than where I am today. I learnt to see the beauty of imperfection and to know that no one is perfect and that I love...no matter what and allow others room to make mistakes or situations to turn out differently from what I expected. Isn't the variety of life the spice of life as well? Thank God that I learnt to let go ....

With my second one, I have never checked his bag or school homework etc. but I always instill in him important values, morals, virtues and concentrate on character building. One may have all the credentials but if the heart is not right before God, it is a waste of one's life.

I have met a few parents who are very inspiring and exemplary parents. Their outburst of joy unspoken and love and understanding for their children and each other are my sources of inspiration.

Mr. and Mrs. Hsui stand out heads and shoulders above all the parents whom I have met in my entire lifetime. I started teaching Elisa when she was in my Economics class in Uplands. When she left for another international school, I started tutoring her and her brother. Today, she is a happy mom of two and lives in Utah with her husband and children. She is a very stable, responsible, loving, expressive and devoted mother because her mom, Mrs. Hsui gave her best to them when they were young.

Mrs.Hsiu always has a smile on her face and when with her husband, they both are a picture of joy and happiness. She is so understanding, patient, forgiving, kind, loving, generous and compassionate and oh - I cannot finish describing her beautiful character. No matter what Elisa and Mike did or did not do, she would approach the situation with caution and a calm mind. No wonder Elisa and Mike are doing very well in U.S. I have NEVER heard her utter anything negative about anyone or anything in all the years that I have known her. Even when at the gym, no matter how tired she was after walking on the treadmill, the smile on her face would be there...Here's Mrs. Hsui with Elisa's kids. Note the happy demeanor on her face.


Another parent who is very much like Mrs. Hsiu is Mrs. Phoon, Jackson's mom. I have known her for almost thirteen years already and she is a model of kindness, love, patience, sincerity, generosity, understanding etc. She oozes with joy and happiness and allows her children the freedom of making mistakes and the joy of learning from them.

When she and her husband were away in another country, Jackson continued to work steadfastly under the watchful eye of his loving grandmother. Even after being diagnosed with the big C, she remained positive and joyful. No wonder she is a picture of strength and happiness. Candy has graduated and Jackson is doing very well in university. Honestly, parents like Mrs.Phoon, Mrs Anne Ang, Mrs. Lily Huang, Angela, Linda and Una...and many more whom I met - have taught me that love with moderation, understanding and patience are crucial to bring up children who can grow up into responsible, stable and successful adults.

I always believe that our aim as parents is NOT to mould straight A students. Our children need not be a straight A student or enter blue chip universities but as long we give them the best that we can offer in terms of our love, time, attention, education and character development, they will be on the road to victory and success. Love is the most important language that we need to use when communicating with our children.

Parenting is certainly not for cowards. If not for many parents from whom I learnt to be a better parent, and if not for many students (both good and bad) from whom I learnt a teenager's perspective of parents in order to understand my own kids and students more, I would not be where I am today....Thanks to all whose paths have crossed mine.

In closing, here are Ten Principles of the Effective Parent written by Susan A. Haid. Thanks for reading my post. Do leave a comment because I would love to hear from you. Have a nice day!

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1) Offer your children committed love. Let your children know, without a shadow of a doubt, that you love them and you will always love them no matter what. Make this a clear and consistent message.

2) Become the best educator of your children’s basic life skills that you can be. This is far more valuable than what you can ever buy them.

3) Teach your children to trust themselves more than anything else. Keep your children connected to their innate inner navigational equipment. Do not underestimate the power of self-trust; this is one of the greatest gifts you will ever give your child.

4) Give your children reasonable freedom to make choices for themselves. There is only one finer teacher than you are, and that is life experience itself.

5) Give your children the gift of time to themselves without tv or technology. This opens the doorway to imaginative play that cultivates a powerful, lasting form of creativity and resourcefulness that serves a child for a lifetime.

6) Make every effort to offer compassion to your child, even when discipline or consequences are required. Children are learning and therefore require explanations, education and understanding more than anything else. Make compassion your best friend.

7) Listen to what your children have to say, even if their words are contradictory. They have a lot to figure out in a very complex world. Listen and be present.

8) Give your children reasonable, basic responsibilities. Everyone in a household should contribute to the welfare of the family.

9) Enjoy your children for who they are. As parents, we have no other responsibility other than to honor and appreciate who our children already are.

10) Stop whatever you are doing and openly accept and receive your child’s love. Revel in it! Take the time to bask in it as often as possible. There is no greater gift you will ever receive. Let it heal you.

For helpful information about joyful, effective parenting and raising empowered children, visit www.lilystruth.com for more.

Author's Bio
Susan A. Haid, BSN, RN, MA, is the Author/Producer of the DVD multimedia package entitled Lily's Truth. She is also the author of two recent books entitled "Lily's Truth" and "Bloom." She is the mother of three beautiful children dedicated to the journey of spiritual mastery. Her work is lovingly designed to support children, teens, parents and caregivers in living joyful, sovereign and empowered lives.