masterwordsmith-unplugged

Keith comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, "Get me a beer before it starts."

The wife sighs and gets him a beer.

Fifteen minutes later, he says, "Get me another beer before it starts."

She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him.

He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute."

The wife is furious. She yells at him "Is that all you're going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore . . ."

Keith sighs and says, "It's started . . "
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AM I DEAF?

On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?"

The farmer replied: "Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!"

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GRUMPY OR SLEEPY?

A marriage counselor was attempting to determine an angry wife's general demeanor.

"Did you wake up grumpy this morning?" he asked.

"No," replied the woman, "I just let him sleep."

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HAND-ME DOWNS

A wife arriving home from a shopping trip was horrified to find her husband in bed with a lovely young woman. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words:

"Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. While I was driving along the highway, I saw this young girl here, looking tired and bedraggled.

So I brought her home and made her a meal from the roast beef you had forgotten in the refrigerator. She had only some worn-out sandals on her feet, so I gave her a pair of good shoes you had discarded because they had gone out of style. She was cold, so I gave her the sweater I bought you for your birthday that you never wore because the colors didn't suit you. Her pants were worn out, so I gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good but too small for you now.

Then, as the young girl was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, "Is there anything else your wife doesn't use anymore?"

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THE FIRST DEER

As part of their "ranch" holiday, a guy takes his wife hunting. When they reach their deer blinds, the guy says, "If you shoot a deer, be sure you don't let anybody else say he's the one who shot it. Otherwise, he'll take the deer from you. The deer belongs to whoever shoots it."

The guy goes to his own blind. Ten minutes later, he hears his wife shooting from her blind nearby.

He rushes over and finds her pointing her rifle at a cowboy who's shouting, "OK, lady, OK! You can have the deer! Just lemme get my saddle off it!"

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MEMORY

Man: "My wife has the worst memory ever."

Friend: "She forgets everything, huh?"

Man: "No, she remembers everything!"

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THE UGLY AUNT

Little Johnny said to his aunt Tess, "My God, you're ugly, aren't you!"

His mother overheard this and pulled Johnny into the kitchen. "You naughty boy!" she screamed, "How can you say to your aunt that she's ugly! You go right in and apologize to her! Tell her you're sorry!"

Little Johnny entered the living room, walked over to his aunt and said, "Aunt Tess, I am sorry you're so ugly."

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Bitter End

Little Johnny's teacher asked him, "Johnny, give me a sentence using the words, "bitter end" in it.

Little Johnny thought for a moment and replies, "Our dog chased our cat and he bitter end."

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BEANS


A teacher asked her class for sentences using the word "beans".

"My mother grows beans," said Jane.

"My father cooks beans," said Al.

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FREE SCOPE

A man decided to buy a new telescope for his hunting rifle. He goes to a rifle shop and asks the clerk to show him a scope.

The clerk takes out a scope and says to the man, "This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill." The man takes a look through the scope and starts laughing.

"What's so funny?" asks the clerk.

"I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house," the man replies.

The clerk grabs the scope from the man and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's pecker off."

The man takes another look through the scope, and says, "You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!"