masterwordsmith-unplugged

Have you ever been hurt by another person in your life? Have you ever suffered because of a thoughtless remark, rumours or fabrications of truth or the agony of infidelity or betrayal? If you have, then you know what it feels like to be hurt. We are only human and it is natural and most tempting to hold on to such negative feelings and to build a veneer of hardness around yourself to protect yourself from other such incidents that could inflict more hurts and pain. However, the best way to heal is to forgive the person who hurt us, no matter how difficult. For some, it may take years whereas it may be quite easy for others.

Many religions teach us to forgive. And why so? When we forgive others, I believe that it simply means that we consciously decide not to let their actions or words affect us negatively. In other words, we do not allow ourselves to feel anger, pain, bitterness, or resentment. Conversely, if we choose not to forgive, it then means that we are consciously or unconsciously making a decision to hold on to our feelings of resentment, anger, and pain.

Sometimes one wonders why one should forgive - especially when one is not at fault. If we regard forgiveness as a benefit that we allow ourselves to enjoy because it frees us from anger and allows us to restore close and satisfying relationships with others, then it is not a real chore.

Research has shown that many patients with all kinds of ailments or diseases actually suffer from deep unforgiveness that have been developed from different experiences in their lives. Anger is a potently lethal emotion that comes from being hurt. If we are filled with anger and bitterness, we are hurting inside as much as it hurts the person who has harmed us. It is as if we are filled with some toxic element which can devour us from within if they are not dealt with in the right manner so we can either choose to feed those negative and deadly feelings or to forgive the person who harmed us. Actually, when we choose not to forgive, we are hurting ourselves the most because the pain gnaws us and plagues us in many ways.

We are not saints on this earth. I have to admit it is not easy to forgive. It took me years to forgive my mother for dying when I was 11 years old. I was angry because I did not have her with me when I went through my teenage angst. I was hurting when my mother was not there when I got married. I was broken-hearted when I had my kids and she was not there to see her grandchildren. The pain of losing her was and still is very deep and even as I type this, I still miss her and am very misty-eyed.

When we choose to forgive, we must realize that it does not mean we will never again feel the pain or remember the thing that hurt us. The emotionally painful experience is remembered. At the same time, when we decide to forgive, we are not suppressing these feelings of anger, rather, we are acknowledging those feelings and then learning from those experiences while letting go of whatever or whoever hurt us.

We are also not celestial beings and have no right to moralize as to who is right or wrong in a case. I believe we need to recognize our personal responsibility in each situation and to know that when we forgive, it is not that we are closing one eye to a person's act/words or giving that person the license to persist in that form of behavior. Rather, it means we do not want to be bound by that situation and we free ourselves from it and do not allow that person/s to have a hold over our lives be it in the form of fear or resentment. In forgiving, it is also up to us whether we choose to continue the relationship or to keep our distance. The choice is ours.

Sometimes, it pays if we are honest with ourselves. If we are hurt, angry or unhappy, just admit it!

Suppressing such feelings can cause other problems in the future, including a build-up of negative feelings.

To be honest, I do have a fiery temper and may hurt others with my words when I lash out. Older and wiser, I have learnt to and try to control what I say to be sure that I do not hurt others. Thus, the old advice to take deep breaths when one is angry is really most helpful in challenging situations.

Empathy helps a lot. Seeing the situation from the other person’s point of view can help us develop compassion instead of anger. Guess what? I learnt this from my older son. Once, in an argument, he told me, "Mom, you've been telling me how you feel but have you given any thought to how I feel?" I was stunned. Looking back, I wish I had been more patient with him and know that it was not easy to have me for a mother. I don't make the same mistakes with my younger one and my older boy always says that he is the guinea pig of my parenting experiment and his younger brother is enjoying the lessons I learnt.

Yup, my boy and I went through a difficult journey to discover ourselves, to love each other and most importantly, to forgive one another. In my recovery stage, I spent many moments thinking about the ways in which I had erred and had to consciously decide not to blame myself but to forgive myself for the pain I inflicted on my son. Today, he and I have a very beautiful relationship which I treasure very much. I try not to look back at the past which was filled with hurts. Sometimes, I still do and then I am filled with regret. When that happens, I have to steer myself out of the abyss of regret into the road to the future and to be thankful for the many years ahead that I can share with my older boy. In fact, he always reminds me to leave the past behind.

There have been times when I tried to understand why it is so easy to hurt the people we love. We must also realize that our loved ones may not know why too. At this point of writing this post, I remember "Hurting Each Other" by Carpenters.

Can't we stop hurting each other

Gotta stop hurting each other

Making each other cry

Breaking each other's heart

Tearing each other apart

That is why it has to begin with us. When one party forgives, chances are the other party will acquiesce and there will be healing in the relationship. If they do not react positively, it does not matter. What matters is that we forgive that person and also we forgive ourselves.

I am not going to sermonize as to how to forgive, what to do. I am still learning but in this post, I just want to share my thoughts with you, dear reader, from the bottom of my heart....

From my experience, it is only when we have let go of the pain and released ourselves from past hurts that we can feel a greater sense of freedom and well-being. Then only can we be free to move on in life without bitterness and resentment. We would have left the hurts and our past behind and would be able to look forward with expectancy.

Have a great day!